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Title: Don't Always Look At the Rain
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Author's Note: Sequel to "Left Wanting More."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***Will stood at his bedroom window, staring out at the rainy day. It had been pouring ever since last night, and he'd barely beaten the rain home in his drive from the FBI Academy. He had just made it into the front door when the rain had begun.
The dogs hadn't been happy about missing their usual weekend outside, romping in the woods around the house and yapping excitedly. But even though he'd let them out to do what they had to do, he hadn't let them stay in the rain for long.
Now, he was reduced to standing here watching the fat drop hit the glass of the windowpane and wondering what Hannibal was doing.
Was he standing at his window, too, watching the rain and thinking of the man he'd so unceremoniously sent away after they'd had sex just three nights ago? No, probably not. Hannibal wasn't the sort of person to waste a moment of he time.
Hannibal probably wasn't even thinking of him.
Will sighed, closing his eyes to block out the depressing sight of the sheets of rain cascading down the glass. He didn't want to think about that last night, didn't want to think about how it had made him feel when Hannibal had told him to leave.
Maybe it had been for the best. Maybe they were getting too close, and Hannibal was trying to keep him at arm's length for good reasons.
But that didn't make him feel any better. He had been avoiding Hannibal -- he'd missed a session, and hadn't seen his lover in three long days -- and that avoidance had only made his heart ache more, as well as making his body yearn for Hannibal's touch.
He had to stop thinking about Hannibal -- and he really had to stop avoiding the conversation they needed to have. Avoidance wasn't doing either of them any good. It would only build up the wall that was already there between the two of them.
They had to talk, and they had to do it soon.
But he wasn't going to drive all the way into Baltimore on a day like this. It might be Saturday, he might have the day off, but he wasn't going to go out when it was raining so hard if he didn't absolutely have to. And really, he needed to gather his thoughts.
If he tried to talk to Hannibal when he was feeling like this, without having thought about what he was going to say beforehand, there was a good chance that he'd screw things up by saying the first thing that came into his mind. That wasn't a good idea.
He'd long ago learned the folly of speaking before he thought about his words. He was all too good at doing that, and he didn't want it to happen this time.
He wanted to sit down and talk to Hannibal calmly and rationally, explain to his lover exactly how he felt, and hopefully get things worked out between the two of them. They couldn't keep going like this, not when he felt as though he wasn't really a part of Hannibal's life.
He wasn't so much Hannibal's lover as a .... distraction.
Anyway, that was how he felt, he thought gloomily. Maybe Hannibal didn't see him in that way, but it was definitely the feeling he got more and more often when they were together. He hated that feeling; he didn't want to think of himself in that light.
If that was how Hannibal thought of him, then their relationship really wasn't going anywhere. Will didn't want to think that was the case; he wanted to believe that Hannibal had more regard for him than that, and that his lover saw him as being someone special.
After all, Hannibal wouldn't want to be with him if he had no feelings for him, would he? There had to be something under that calm, enigmatic exterior.
There was a passionate man under that calmness Hannibal always showed to the world. Will had seen that passion more than once; he knew what Hannibal kept hidden under that carefully groomed outer shell. He knew the kind of passions his lover was capable of.
He just wished that Hannibal would bring those passions to the light more often.
Hannibal was a passionate man; no one knew that better than Will. He was sure that no one in the little intimate circle of people that Hannibal tended to spend his time with knew just what kind of passion was hidden under that quiet, enigmatic surface.
Only he knew. And though the bright flames of that passion had swept him up in their grasp before, those passions could be just as easily doused.
Just like the rain was drenching everything around them right now, Will thought with another soft sigh. He couldn't help but feel that the rain pouring down outside mirrored his own inner feelings; the hope that kept a light burning within him had been effectively snuffed out.
Maybe Hannibal hadn't meant to do that, but it was exactly what had happened. No, his love for the other man hadn't died, but a little bit of the hope that Hannibal bore the same kind of love in his heart, that his lover returned his emotions, had been chipped away.
He didn't want to lose that hope. If he did, then there was no going back.
He didn't want to always look at the rain, at the dark side of things. But it seemed that lately, his wavering relationship with Hannibal was growing darker. The bright light of their passion for each other was giving way to something that he didn't know how to put a name to.
Always looking at the dark side of his relationship with Hannibal wasn't going to move things forward; if he kept looking at the proverbial rain that fell into their lives, then he would never be able to see the good that had come of their relationship.
Being with Hannibal had brought him out of his self-imposed isolation, had made him more aware of the world around him. That was probably a good thing.
And more than that, being in love with Hannibal had given him a sense of purpose. For the first time in his life, he was driven by a wish to find his own happiness, by something outside of his work. And he liked having that goal in his life.
He wasn't going to keep looking at only the rain. He'd see the bright side, too.
If he kept looking at the rain, and didn't see the good things about his relationship with Hannibal, then that relationship would inevitably deteriorate. He couldn't let that happen. He had to talk to his lover, and sooner was probably better than later.
Will made a face at the rain; he hated to go out when it was like this, but talking to Hannibal was a priority. They had to get some things straightened out between them.
It might not be the easiest thing to do, but he wanted to make sure that he knew where they stood. And if Hannibal was starting to feel as though he wanted their relationship to be less intense, less emotional, he needed to know that, too -- so he could figure out how he felt about that.
Will sighed, turning away from the rain outside the window to head for his closet. He would get dressed, then brave the rain and drive into Baltimore. He needed to talk to Hannibal, to set his mind at ease. Once he did that, then hopefully, he'd be able to see more than just the rain.
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