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Title: If You Leave Me Now
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Table: 2, narrative_x_10
Prompt: Story 10
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***Will looked up from the book he was reading, sighing softly as he gazed at Hannibal. His lover was at his desk, finishing up some paperwork, and appeared to be concentrating entirely on what he was doing. Will wished that he could say the same for himself.
He had chosen to stay here tonight instead of going home to Wolf Trap, knowing that the dogs had been fed that morning and would be all right. He needed to be with Hannibal.
Only it seemed that wasn't going to happen.
Hannibal had been ... well, distant as of late. It was as though now that Will had been taken by someone else, Hannibal no longer wanted to touch him any more than was necessary. They still slept in the same bed at times, Hannibal still kissed him, but .... something was missing.
He was sure that Hannibal was going to leave him. It was only a matter of time.
Will's eyes filled with tears at the thought; he couldn't hold back a slight sob. He hadn't wanted to make a sound, hadn't even wanted Hannibal to know that he was upset. But his emotions had been too close to the surface lately; he couldn't hold them back any longer.
"Will, is something wrong?" Hannibal had lifted his head from his paperwork, and was watching Will with a slight frown. "What can I do to help?"
"You can act like you still want me!" Will blurted out before he could stop himself. He literally threw his book aside, standing up and heading for the doorway, wanting to get out of the this room and away from his lover before he cried in front of him.
He was almost at the front door before he felt Hannibal's hand on his arm.
Will didn't turn around, but he let that hand restrain him. He didn't want to leave; he just didn't want to burst into tears in front of his lover. He had been doing far too much crying lately; he knew that Hannibal would understand why, but he still didn't like it.
He felt too vulnerable, too exposed, too raw. Everything was still too much on edge, even a few weeks after his abduction. He still felt the violation too acutely.
"Will." Those strong arms were around him; Hannibal was turning him so that they faced each other, pulling him close, letting Will rest his forehead on his shoulder. "I don't mean to push you away. I am not trying to do that. I'm only trying to be ... cautious."
"So cautious that you don't want to be with me any more," Will whispered miserably.
"That is not true, William." Now Hannibal sounded exasperated, as though he was angered by Will's words. "If I didn't want to be with you, then you wouldn't be here."
"I don't mean be with me as in ... having my company." Will's voice faltered; he had wanted to talk about this, but he felt unprepared. "I mean that you don't want to kiss me or touch me or .... do anything sexual with me. It's like you think I'm .... tainted."
Hannibal placed a finger under his chin, raising Will's face to his.
Will gazed into Hannibal's eyes, seeing nothing there but concern and worry, and .... desire. His heart felt as though it leaped from his chest into his throat at that look; yes, there was desire there. Hannibal still wanted him. It was impossible for him to hide it.
The problem was that he wasn't sure how he felt about being desired. He wanted Hannibal to want him, yes, and even to need him. But the act itself terrified him.
It had seemed so easy before everything had happened. Hannibal had made love to him -- and sometimes it was just fucking, just sex, raw, pure need. That had been acceptable, as well, because he had felt that need right along with Hannibal.
But making love was different. It didn't just involve their bodies.
When he made love with Hannibal, he had to open himself completely, his heart and soul as well as his body. He didn't have a hard time doing that with the man he loved, not at all. It was just that combined with giving his body, it made him feel .... far too exposed.
The man who had kidnapped and raped him had wanted that part of him. He'd wanted Will's vulnerability, his exposure, that raw part of himself that he kept hidden.
That man had wanted the part of him that belonged to no one but Hannibal. He had struggled against giving it, and he had won. But now, he had hidden that part of him so deeply within that he was having a hard time accessing it, even for his lover.
The fact that he was having a harder time than ever with intimacy didn't help, either.
"I was under the impression that you were not ready for us to be sexually intimate, Will," Hannibal said, his voice very soft. "Was I wrong? Are you ready? If you are, then I have no reservations about taking you to bed here and now."
Will was forced to shake his head, struggling to keep the tears back. "No. Yes. I don't know." His voice lowered until it was barely audible. "I'm just afraid that you'll .... leave me."
There. He'd said it. That was his greatest fear; losing the man he loved. Seeing Hannibal walk away from him because he could no longer be what Hannibal needed, or give him what he wanted. He was terrified of losing the one person who made him feel.
The one person who meant anything to him. The one person who touched his heart.
The words that he hadn't been able to make himself say before now came pouring out, as though they had merely been waiting for this point in time to make themselves heard. "If you leave me now, then I'll have .... nothing. Not even my heart. I can't deal with that."
"Will." Hannibal's voice was still very quiet; he lowered his head to kiss the tears from Will's cheeks, his lips warm against the young man's skin.
"How could you think that I would leave you because of this? You need me more now than you ever have. I would never leave anyone who was in such need, or in such pain. And least of all would I leave someone who I truly care for. I'm going nowhere. You have no need to worry."
Those words almost brought another rush of tears, but Will managed to hold them back.
"If you don't feel that you are ready for .... complete intimacy, then we can work our way up to that." Will leaned against Hannibal as his lover continued speaking, feeling relief seep through him. "Will, I'm here for you. In every way that I can be."
"Th-thank you," Will managed to whisper, wrapping his arms around Hannibal's waist. He didn't feel that he deserved such consideration, but he was grateful for it.
"I want us not to go back to what we were, Will, but to become something better," Hannibal told him, his voice still very soft, a different note in it than there had been before. Will wasn't sure, but he thought that he could hear compassion along with the concern.
And yes, he could still hear the desire there. Loud and clear.
He raised his face to look at Hannibal, his blue gaze meeting the older man's dark one. Hannibal brushed the tears from Will's cheeks, smiling as he did so. "No more tears, Will. There is no need for them. Any other tears will be happy ones, I trust."
Will nodded, his own lips curving in a soft smile.
Hannibal wasn't going to leave him. He had said that he wouldn't, and Will believed him. He had to believe. He had to hold on to the knowledge that Hannibal was his.
Hannibal wasn't going to leave him. And he wasn't going to leave Hannibal, not for any reason. Will leaned his head against Hannibal's shoulder again, relaxing into his lover's embrace. Now all he had to do was leap that last chasm that loomed before him, and all would be well again.
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