Title: Relinquish Control
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Fandom: Hannibal
Rating: PG-13
Table: writers_choice
Prompt: #241, The morning after
Author's Note: Sequel to "The Next Step."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***
Will awakened with a start, his eyes flying open. It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't in his own bed in Wolf Trap, but rather, in Hannibal's bed, in his house.Hannibal was nowhere to be seen when he opened his eyes; when he rolled over and squinted at the clock on the bedside table, he knew why. It was after ten in the morning; his lover probably had patients, and Will had slept so late that he'd even missed breakfast.
It felt odd to be here in Hannibal's bed, odd to be sharing that space again. Though he'd slept here a few times since he'd been released from the hospital, that had been all he'd done. Just slept.
But last night, everything had changed.
He didn't regret it, not in the slightest. He had asked for last night. He'd wanted it, wanted Hannibal to sweep away all that had gone before.
He'd wanted Hannibal to make love to him. He had thought that if they were intimate on the level that they used to be, it would eradicate all the memories of what had been done to him, and he would finally be able to move forward.
The problem was that he couldn't. It would take more than a single night of lovemaking to erase the past; he should have known that it would be this way.
Will sighed, rolling over onto his stomach. This wasn't Hannibal's fault, nor was it his. But the blame for their lack of intimacy lay more on him; he should be able to trust Hannibal, should be able to push the past away and let his lover comfort and guide him.
Shouldn't he? he asked himself. Or was he being far too optimistic to think that he would ever be able to do that? Was her overestimating himself?
He needed to talk to Hannibal about this.
He needed to give himself to Hannibal in every way, to relinquish control. That was the only way he would be able to get past what had been done to him.
He had been forced to relinquish control of his fate to the man who had kidnapped and raped him. He needed to give that control to his lover freely, willingly. If he could do that, then maybe he could push aside the fear that rose in him at the thought of losing that control.
There was nothing to be afraid of, Will told himself firmly. Not with Hannibal. His lover might take control, but he would never use it to harm.
Hannibal knew just how far to push him, knew when to break down boundaries and when to let them stand. He could trust Hannibal to be his guide.
Still, the thought of letting those barriers break down was terrifying. It was as though what had happened to him had taken him back to the beginning of his relationship with Hannibal, when he was still unsure and afraid to reach out for what he wanted.
That was frustrating. He didn't want to go back to being that scared, repressed person. He wanted to build on what they'd already achieved so far.
And Hannibal was probably even more frustrated than he was.
Will sighed at that thought, fear seeping through him. What if Hannibal decided that a damaged boyfriend wasn't worth waiting for?
No, Hannibal wouldn't do that to him. How many times had his lover told him that they had a connection which went beyond mere lovemaking? Well, Hannibal hadn't used those exact words, but Will had been able to infer what he meant well enough.
Hannibal had said that he wasn't going to leave him because of something that had been done to him that was beyond his control. He had to hold onto those words.
He had to let himself trust Hannibal, to believe that they were going to stay strong. Here, on the morning after the first time they'd been together since everything had taken place, he couldn't let that resolve falter or fail. He had to hold on to his belief in the two of them.
His lover had said that they couldn't go back to what they were before, that they had to move on from here and become something better. That much was true.
Will only hoped that they could become better.
He didn't know where this would lead, or where they would end up. But he did know that he had to trust in Hannibal, and trust in what they shared.
He wasn't going to let his fears conquer him. He wasn't going to let any uncertainty creep in. He knew what he had to do, what he needed to do. He needed to relinquish all control to Hannibal, to let his lover take over, even if that terrified him.
It was the only way that they were going to get their relationship back on a level that would satisfy them both. At the moment, they were both still too skittish.
Even though last night had been wonderful, there was something missing.
Hannibal didn't want to push him, didn't want to control him for fear that it might send him fleeing ,send him back into hiding. And he didn't want that, either. He didn't want to be that scared person who Hannibal had first pushed across his boundaries.
That would be taking too many huge steps backwards. They'd already moved back enough; now it was time to regain that ground, to move forward again.
He was going to give that control to Hannibal, let his lover do whatever he pleased with him. That would be the only way to move forward, to keep breaking down barriers. Giving Hannibal carte blanche with him was a frightening thought, but it was something he had to do.
He had to trust Hannibal to bring those barriers crashing to the ground.
taking a deep breath, Will sat up, pushing back the covers and swinging his legs out of bed. There was no time like the present, and it was past time he and Hannibal had a talk.
***
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