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Title: Rudderless
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Fandom: Hannibal
Rating: PG-13
Table: Quotables Challenge, tv_universe
Prompt: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -- Douglas Adams
Author's Note: One-shot.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.


This wasn't how he had intended his life to work out.

Will sighed as he sank down onto the couch in his living room, listening to the rain pattering on the windows. This wasn't where he had intended to be tonight, but as it had been pouring rain all day, he hadn't wanted to drive all the way into Baltimore.

He had called Hannibal and explained, and his lover had understood. He had told Will that they could see each other tomorrow night, and hadn't seemed upset.

Sometimes it bothered Will to think that Hannibal didn't get upset or annoyed when they couldn't see each other. Or maybe he just hid that annoyance well.

But Will didn't think. He had the nagging feeling that Hannibal wasn't as emotionally involved with him as he was with Hannibal, that his lover could really take him or leave him. He didn't think that he meant all that much to Hannibal.

He didn't want to think that feeling was true.

Who was he to judge? He couldn't know Hannibal's feelings, as much as he might want to. There was no telling what went on in the other man's mind.

Or in his heart, Will thought with another sigh. He didn't know how Hannibal felt about him; his lover never gave voice to his emotions. He always felt lucky to get even so much as a smile from Hannibal after they had made love.

He knew that it shouldn't mean so much to him, that he should just treat this like a casual relationship and not feel that his heart had been given away.

But he couldn't do that. He wasn't made that way.

He couldn't just ask Hannibal how he felt; somehow, that seemed too intrusive. And he wasn't good at just dropping hints, at beating around the bush.

Sometimes he felt that he wasn't good at much of anything, other than at his job. And even that didn't give him the sense of satisfaction lately that it always had before. Catching killers wasn't something that he wanted to spend all of his life doing.

He was tired of focusing on his work. He wanted more from his life than just running after the bad guys. He wanted more stability, more security.

Will knew that he was turning away from his work more and more, and moving closer to Hannibal. But he didn't know if his lover wanted that closeness.

The problem was, he didn't know whether or not Hannibal was moving closer to him. He had never intended to move in this direction, but he'd ended up where he needed to be. The question was whether or not Hannibal felt the same.

If he didn't, then there was no safety, no stability, no security. The ground was just as treacherous under his feet as it had always been, with no safe rock to cling to.

Without Hannibal in his life, he was rudderless.

Before he had known his lover, he'd felt lost; Hannibal had given him the direction he'd never had, made him feel more connected to the world.

Now, he was starting to lose that connection whenever he thought that Hannibal might not feel the same way about him. A frisson of fear would trickle down his spine, a cold finger of ice that made him shiver all over, a fear that wouldn't go away.

He was where he wanted to be, where he needed to be. It hadn't been his intent to get here, but when he had met Hannibal, everything in his life had seemed to go awry.

Everything had focused on this one man, and how much Will wanted him.

If Hannibal didn't love him, he could survive. He could put his heart away and make things work out between them, consider Hannibal as nothing more than his friend and a casual lover. It wasn't what he wanted, but if it was all he could have, he would deal with that.

But he would die a little inside every time Hannibal touched him, knowing that he wasn't wanted in the same way that he wanted Hannibal.

It would eventually kill him. Will didn't doubt that. He would end up destroyed, a shell of his former self -- and Hannibal would move on to his next lover without a second thought.

That wasn't how he wanted things to work out for them. But it seemed that it was where they were heading. He hadn't gone where he intended to go, and even though he was right where he needed to be, he still wasn't sure if he truly belonged there.

Will sighed again, holding back the tears. Maybe he would never know.