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Title: Secrets I Keep
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Table: 8, 50ficlets
Prompt: 3, Secret
Author's Note: This is a 50-ficlet AU series for Will/Hannibal. In this universe, the two of them are deeply in love with each other, though neither knows quite how to bring that love out into the open.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***Will sighed as he looked into the mirror, running a hand through his dark curls. He didn't particularly like what he saw, but there was no reason to try to change it. If he didn't think it was all that great, then likely no one else did, either. That was what he wanted.
He wanted to fade into the background, to become a part of the wallpaper. He didn't want peopel to look at him, to notice him.
There was only one person he wanted to do that.
Fat chance of that happening, he thought with a snort. Hannibal Lecter would never look at him twice. He could have anyone he wanted; he wouldn't settle for a nondescript man in ill-fitting clothes, who wore thick-lensed glasses and grew a scruffy beard.
Will knew that he could make himself look at lot better if he tried; but he didn't want to try. He didn't want people to notice him, to be interested in him.
Of all the secrets he'd ever held close to him, this was the biggest one he'd ever kept. He wanted Hannibal Lecter, wanted to be with him, to be close to him. He wanted to give himself to Hannibal, to be taken, to be his. He wanted them to be one.
He'd never wanted anyone before, not like this. Oh, he'd had his adolescent crushes, but he had never acted on them; he'd never been physically intimate with anyone. Yet his body burned for Hannibal in a way that almost shocked him.
He had never expected to want anyone like this.
Will was well aware of his problems with intimacy; that had never really bothered him before. Not being involved with anyone, not wanting to be in a relationship, gave him that much more time for his work, for his teaching, for helping people by working in the field.
He wanted to turn his attention to his work, he told himself firmly. He wanted to find justice for people who had been victims. It was his calling.
He didn't have time for a relationship. He never had, and probably never would. But he couldn't ignore his feelings for Hannibal; it felt as though they became stronger every day, and at some point, they would have to come out into the open.
He wouldn't let them out; they would force their way out eventually.
Of all the secrets he had ever kept in his life, those feelings were probably the one that it was hardest to keep quiet. It was the biggest secret he'd ever kept.
But how could he let them out? If he did, then Hannibal would more than likely run as fast as he could in the opposite direction, and Will wouldn't blame him. Why would a handsome, suave, urbane man like Hannibal Lecter want with him?
His desires were going to unquenched, his needs unfulfilled. He was sure that there was no way Hannibal could feel the same about him, or even be interested in him.
And today, he would have to see Hannibal at the crime scene he was headed to.
That was going to be so hard, to see Hannibal standing there, so near and yet so far away. He wouldn't be able to keep his eyes from the other man; he knew that his gaze would be following Hannibal, that he would have to fight to keep the desire out of his stare.
Hannibal was all he wanted, all he needed. He didn't doubt for one moment that he was in love with the other man, but he couldn't say that aloud.
He could never tell Hannibal how he felt. Either he would laughed at, or he would be rejected. In Will's eyes, those were the only two outcomes that confessing his feelings could have; it never occurred to him that those feelings might possibly be returned.
He didn't do well with rejection. No one did, Will told himself wryly.
If he ever had the nerve to tell Hannibal how he felt and the other man turned away from him, he knew that it would be done gently. Hannibal would let him down easy.
But it would still be rejection, and he didn't want to cope with that. He didn't want to think that the man he wanted more than he had ever wanted anything was completely out of his league, but he was too afraid to make the attempt of reaching out to him.
If he made that attempt and was rejected, even though he didn't think Hannibal would be cruel about it, that would still bring his secret out into the open.
And that rejection would destroy him.
Best to leave things as they were, to let Hannibal think that he saw the two of them as nothing more than friends. Best for him to think that there was no desire here, nothing but an interest in a casual friendship; best for him never to learn what secrets Will kept.
Even if keeping that secret was the hardest thing he had ever done; even if keeping such a secret tore a piece from his heart and soul every day.
He would see Hannibal in just a little while, and that secret would struggle to get out.
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