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Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Author's Note: One-shot.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue. soar
***Why didn't Hannibal want him?
Will stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom, choking back tears. He had to force himself to lift his gaze to study himself in the mirror; he didn't want to look and see the face and the body that Hannibal had rejected. He didn't want to see his shortcomings.
What was wrong with him that made Hannibal want to push him away? There had to be something about him that was completely repulsive.
Hannibal hadn't said that, not in so many words; really, Hannibal hadn't said definitively that he didn't want Will. But he'd made it clear that this wasn't the right time for a relationship to start. And no matter what he had meant, the rejection still stung.
Hell, it didn't just sting. It hurt like a motherfucker.
Will felt as though he'd taken a sucker punch to the gut, an uppercut to the jaw, and had been thrown hard against a brick wall. It was as though he could feel his heart being squeezed by a giant fist inside his chest, one that wouldn't let him draw a full breath.
He was used to not being wanted, wasn't he? It wasn't like anyone had ever really wanted him before. The few people who had were drawn to him because of his empathy; they'd only wanted to use him, to find out more about what he could do.
And then there had been the few who were attracted to him because of his looks, but he'd taken care of that. He tried to make himself as unattractive and unobtrusive as possible.
He didn't want anyone to want him. Except Hannibal. He would trade the desire, even the friendship, of every other person he'd ever known if it meant that Hannibal Lecter would want to be with him. All he wanted was for Hannibal to love him.
Will's eyes widened; he hadn't thought in those particular terms before.
Love? He wanted Hannibal's love? That wasn't possible, and he should know better than to wish for it. He didn't think Hannibal actually loved anyone or anything; the man was far too self-contained to let an emotion like that run free.
Hannibal had never discussed love with him in any of their sessions; he'd carefully avoided the subject, as if Will's emotions weren't something he wanted to talk about.
Was that because he knew how Will felt about him? Did it show? Will hoped not; he didn't want Hannibal to know how he felt. It would be too embarrassing -- and heartbreaking -- to have the other man know how he felt and pity him for it.
The last thing he wanted was Hannibal's pity. He wanted the other man's love; he didn't want Hannibal to feel sorry for him, or tell him that they could be "friends" because he felt sorry for someone who would never have the love that he so desperately wanted.
Unloved. Unwanted. That was all he'd ever be.
What was so horrible about him that made Hannibal reject him? He didn't think he was a bad-looking man, even though he went out of his way to make himself unattractive. The thick glasses, ill-fitting clothes, and razor stubble probably didn't endear him to Hannibal at all.
No, to attract Hannibal, he would have to be more well-dressed, and he'd have to present himself as being more suave than he could ever be. Hannibal wasn't going to be attracted to someone like him, someone who didn't put a lot of stock in appearances.
Hannibal would want someone who was more polished, more elegant, more .... Will sighed, turning away from the mirror, not wanting to see his reflection there.
Whatever it was that Hannibal looked for in a man, it wasn't him. He had made that clear enough. He didn't want Will; he wasn't interested in them being anything more than doctor and patient, barely on a level that could be called friendship.
He would never have more than that from the man he loved. Never.
What was so horrible about him? He wasn't repulsive; he knew that just from looking in the mirror. But maybe the fact that he didn't try to make himself attractive to everyone around him was something that Hannibal saw as being unacceptable.
Will didn't think think that was the case; he was fairly sure that Hannibal found him attractive, even with the ways that he tried to disguise his good looks. No, that wasn't the reason why Hannibal didn't want him. And it wasn't that Hannibal didn't like men.
At least, he didn't think that was the reason. If it was, then he was doomed to feel an unrequited love for all of his life.
If Hannibal wasn't interested in men, if he was completely straight, then nothing Will could do or say would change him. It was pointless to even try. But he was fairly sure that Hannibal did have an interest in men, from some things that Hannibal had said and done.
He'd even though that Hannibal was interested in him.
But he'd been wrong about that, hadn't he? Will asked himself, his eyes filling with tears again. Hannibal might not have told him in so many words that he wasn't wanted in the physical sense, but that was what he had meant.
Hannibal didn't want to be with him. Hannibal wanted them to be friends, to be kept at arm's length, never to be more than merely doctor and patient.
He wouldn't settle for that. He wouldn't be satisfied with mere friendship between himself and Hannibal. He wanted more, needed more. And he knew that he would never have it, no matter how hard he tried to change himself to be what Hannibal might want him to be.
Will would never be the one who Hannibal wanted. He clenched his fists, closing his eyes against the tears that still threatened to spill over. He'd had enough of crying for a black-hearted monster who would never care for him in the way that he wanted.
He would never shed another tear over Hannibal Lecter.
He wasn't worth crying over. If he didn't want Will, then Will wouldn't want him, either. Will sighed softly, wishing that it was as easy to carry out that plan as it was to think about it. Not wanting Hannibal would be much more easily said than done.
But he would do it. He would force that uncaring, cold-hearted piece of garbage out of his mind, and out of his heart, if it was the last thing he did.
No matter what it took, he would cut Hannibal out of his heart. It might take a long time for him to get over that loss, but he would. That bastard wasn't worth his time, wasn't worth his love. He would show Hannibal that he no longer cared, and no longer wanted him.
If he was unwanted, then he would return that feeling a hundredfold.
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