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Title: Between Sleeping and Waking
Pairing: gen - Will Graham
Table: Otherwordly Challenge, tv_universe
Author's Note: One-shot.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing him for a while. Please do not sue.
***This was the space that it was so easy to get lost in.
The space between sleeping and waking was a fine line; Will knew that. He could be awake one moment, and asleep the next, or vice versa. He didn't really know which state he was in now; he was somewhere between both of those states, inhabiting neither fully.
He was in dormiveglia, the state between sleeping and waking. He'd read about it, researched it, and now, he apparently spent a lot of time here.
This wasn't where he was when he was sleepwalking; that was a completely different state of being. When he was sleepwalking, his unconscious mind took over; he had no idea what his body was doing, and usually had no memory of it when he awakened.
But dormiveglia was different. Here, he could remember.
Here, he knew who he was, where he was, and what he was doing. But he couldn't simply reach back into his memory to know what he'd been doing when he was asleep.
No, those memories were lost to him. Whatever he'd done during that time would remain a mystery; Will didn't feel that he could trust his conscious mind to pull out those memories and have them be true ones. For all he knew, his mind would lie to him.
When he couldn't trust his own mind, what could he trust? He tried to push that thought away from him, but it came back a moment later, stronger than ever.
He didn't want to feel that he couldn't trust his own mind. He didn't want to feel that he would be so easily able to deceive himself about what his sleepwalking body did. But there was the truth of the matter; he didn't trust his subconscious mind to give him the truth.
For some reason, his body decided to sleepwalk at times. And he knew very well that it wouldn't give up the secrets of what it did when his mind wasn't in control.
But in these moments, this dormiveglia, he could guess.
This was the closest he would ever get to knowing just what he did in those times. This was when he could pierce that veil and see behind it.
This was when that veil between his sleeping and waking worlds was thinnest; this was when he should be able to reach behind it, pull the curtain back, and have a clear and precise picture of just what his body had done while he wasn't in conscious control.
Will wanted to have that picture. He wanted to see what he had done, to know what his body was capable of leading him through of its own volition.
But a part of him was terrified to know just what his body did. Maybe he did things that were too horrifying for his conscious mind to deal with.
Maybe his mind was shielding him from the things his body did, things that were so terrible his mind had to distance him from them. Will shuddered at the thought, a tremor moving through his slender body. That wasn't something he wanted to even consider.
No. Even without control of his conscious thought, his body wouldn't go on a murder spree, or something equally outrageous. He wasn't that kind of person.
Even without his mind's control, he wouldn't become a monster.
Will took one deep breath, then another. No, he wasn't a monster. No matter what, his body would never do things that his mind, that he himself, would be ashamed of.
He wasn't someone who could commit atrocities, even when he wasn't fully in control of what he was doing. He couldn't make himself believe that he could do anything like that; he couldn't picture himself as keeping those kinds of secrets hidden away.
Here, in this sweet, comfortable place between sleeping and waking, he could assess what his body might have done while he wasn't in control of things.
But, of course, his mind wasn't giving up those secrets. No matter that he felt relaxed and receptive at the moment, his mind was stubbornly refusing to cooperate. There were no veils being lifted, no secrets revealed. Only the drifting feeling of being half-asleep and half-awake.
So he would remain in darkness, and not know just what his body had been up to. He really shouldn't be so surprised at that, should he? It was always the case.
He should have known that was all he would get.
Will sighed and slowly opened his eyes, the dormiveglia he'd been allowing himself to drift in vanishing like tendrils of mist. He had wanted to stay in that comfortable place, wanted some answers to all the questions he had about the time he spent sleepwalking.
Those answers seemed as though they would never come. Would he ever know for sure just what he did -- or just what his sleeping body could be capable of doing?
Even in that quiet, relaxed state between sleeping and waking, he couldn't pull back the misty veils that had his sleepwalking obscured and find out just what he did during that time. It was frustrating, but he might as well get used to it.
Besides, he might not like those answers once he had them within his grasp.
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