Title: Still Wonder
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham
Fandom: Hannibal
Rating: PG-13
Table: Big Bang Inspirations, tv_universe
Prompt: Wonder
Author's Note: Sequel to "Only When I Breathe."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Hannibal Lecter or Will Graham, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***
He had to wonder how it had come to this.Will sighed softly, looking down at his hands clasped in his lap. He almost wished that he was sitting in the chair across from Hannibal's, in one of their impromptu sessions.
But that would never happen again. Hannibal was behind bars, and he was sitting here in his own living room, going over his part in that arrest.
He hadn't been there when it had happened; Jack had refused to let him be a part of it. He didn't want Hannibal to know that it was Will's vision, his dream, that had led the FBI to get a search warrant for Hannibal's house. And he wouldn't tell Will just how he'd managed to lawfully procure that warrant.
Somehow, he had done it, and from what he had told Will about the search, what they had found in Hannibal's basement was one of the grisliest sights any of them had ever seen.
There had been body parts everywhere, Jack had said. And, worst of all, they had found some of those parts stored in the refrigerator -- as though they were food.
Will had felt like throwing up when he'd heard those words.
Was his former boyfriend a cannibal? Had he actually eaten the body parts of the men he'd murdered? And had there been other victims, as well?
Worse, had he actually fed people to his dinner party guests? Will didn't want to think of how often he'd gone to those dinner parties, and how good the food had been. Just thinking of it made him want to be sick; he had to take his mind off that aspect of the case.
It was bad enough that the man he loved was behind bars for the rest of his life, and that had had been most of the reason for Hannibal being there.
He had to admit the truth to himself; he still loved Hannibal.
In spite of all that his former lover had done, he couldn't simply turn off his emotions. He knew that he had to put them into the past, but he needed time to mourn first.
He had to allow himself the time to mourn for a relationship that he'd had so much hope for, one that he had believed in with all of his heart and soul.
It hurt to know that all of those hopes he'd had for the two of them, all of his dreams for their future, would never come true now. It was almost unbearably painful to realize what a mistake he'd made, how the wool had been pulled over his eyes as to what Hannibal was really like.
The thing that was uppermost in his mind was the idea that Hannibal had never really loved him, that he had never been anything more than a plaything to his former lover.
Was that true? Will wondered. Had Hannibal truly been in love with him, or only obsessed? He would never know; it was a question that he could never ask.
Years from now, he knew, he would still wonder about that. He would spend his life with that question hauting him, a question that would never be answered, a question that he would go to his grave asking. Even if he he met another man and fell in love again, he would still always wonder.
That burning question would always be in his heart until he got a definitive answer. And he was absolutely sure that Hannibal would never give him the answer he needed.
No, Hannibal would do what he had always done -- he would smile and give some kind of oblique answer, playing mind games and enjoying every moment of it.
He'd always loved to do that, and Will had never been entirely comfortable with it.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that there had been a lot of things about his former boyfriend that he wasn't entirely comfortable with.
They were little things, things that he had ignored, telling himself that it was just Hannibal's way, and it was something that he had to learn to put up with if he wanted their relationship to last. He had deliberately closed his eyes to those problems, rather than talking with Hannibal about them.
Really, he hadn't wanted to admit that they had any problems. He had been like an ostrich, burying his head in the sand, turning a blind eye to what he didn't want to see.
But now, he was glad that his eyes had been opened.
Their relationship had always been doomed, given Hannibal's obsession with him. Obsession wasn't love -- and Will couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't realized long ago that Hannibal had crossed that line.
He would always wonder if Hannibal had ever loved him; that was a question that would never quite leave his mind, even if he never had a definitive answer.
Will sighed softly, closing his eyes and swallowing hard. He would have to push those thoughts away; he couldn't let himself linger on them. If he did, then he would drive himself crazy, and that was the last thing he needed. Too many of the people around him already thought he'd gone around the bend.
He would have to go through the rest of his life without the man who he'd thought was going to be his salvation, and had instead turned out to be his greatest mistake.
Would he still wonder whether their relationship could have worked if Hannibal hadn't been so obsessive when he was old and grey? He'd really just have to wait and see.
Though it was a question that he wasn't sure he wanted to be answered.
***
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