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Title: Facing Fear
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Jimmy Palmer/Tim McGee
Fandom: NCIS
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Jimmy Palmer or Tim McGee, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.***
He couldn't keep doing this.
Jimmy took a deep breath, closing his eyes and clenching his fists in his lap. He sat on the edge of the bed, one foot tapping nervously on the floor.
He couldn't keep expecting Tim to wait for him to conquer his fears. He had to start facing those fears head-on, to confront them and put them behind him.
He had to slay those dragons. There was no sense in letting them control him as they were now; if he kept doing it, then he might never be able to face those dragons and put his fears to rest. He and Tim might never have a normal, loving relationship.
It wasn't fair to Tim to keep putting him through this. Just how long was he going to stay in a relationship with a man who wouldn't sleep with him?
Of course, they did share a bed. That wasn't the problem, Jimmy thought with a sigh. The problem was that they still hadn't made love.
It wasn't that he didn't want to. Of course he did.
But something always held him back from telling Tim that this was the night, that he was ready. His fears were still controlling him, even though he hated the fact.
It was the hardest thing in the world for him to utter those words, "make love to me." As much as he trusted Tim not to hurt him, the idea of having sex took him back to those horrible hours when he'd been a helpless captive, not knowing what was going to happen to him.
Jimmy pressed his lips together, holding back a small whimper. He didn't want to think about those hours. They were over and done with, long in the past.
But they were still affecting him, and affecting Tim, as well. In fairness to both of them, he couldn't let this go on. He had to take that last leap of faith.
He trusted Tim. Of course he did. He loved his boyfriend with all of his heart and soul, unreservedly. There was nothing that he wouldn't do for Tim. Making love was the one barrier that he hadn't been able to break down, the line that he couldn't force himself to cross.
He had to cross that line. And it had to be tonight. He couldn't wait any longer. It was past time that he'd done this; the time for waiting was over.
It was far past time for them to consummate their relationship.
All he had to do was walk into the living room, sit down beside Tim on the couch, take his boyfriend's hand, and tell him that he was ready, that tonight was the night.
Tim had been waiting to hear that for a long time, and he had every right to hear the words spoken sincerely. He needed a boyfriend who would be his completely.
He was Tim's completely, in every way but the physical, Jimmy told himself firmly. And that was the only way that he hadn't yet given himself to the man he loved. He had told himself for a long time now that it was coming, and he was finally going to make good on that promise.
He wasn't going to keep Tim waiting any longer, no matter how difficult this might be for him. He had to take the bull by the proverbial horns tonight.
The phrase made him smile wryly. It was fitting in more ways than one, and he wasn't surprised that it had come into his mind at this particular time.
Tonight, he was going to face his fears and put them behind him.
Taking another deep breath, he got to his feet, knowing that his legs were shaking. It took a few moments before he could make himself walk towards the doorway.
If only facing his fears didn't have to be so hard to do! But he was going to do this tonight; he wasn't going to keep either himself or Tim in suspense. He was tired of letting his fears control him; tonight, he was going to take back control of his own life.
Just saying that to himself felt good. It felt right. Jimmy squared his shoulders, clearing his throat and running a hand through his hair.
This was the first night of the rest of his life with the man he loved.
He took one step towards the door, then another. The third step faltered, but he forced himself to keep moving. He'd made up his mind; he wasn't going to back down now.
It was time for him to face his fear head-on, and to turn that fear around and make it vanish. With that thought in his mind, Jimmy walked into the living room, holding out his hand to Tim.
"Hey, sweetheart," he said with a smile. "We have something to discuss."
When Tim looked up at him with a question in his eyes, Jimmy only smiled and leaned down to kiss him quite thoroughly, a kiss that took his own breath away.
Jimmy's arms went around Tim; he found himself sitting in his boyfriend's lap, straddling the other man, their foreheads against each other, his breath coming in gasps.
Oh yes, this was definitely the right time.***