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Title: Uncomfortable Feelings
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Jimmy Palmer/Tim McGee
Fandom: NCIS
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1drabble
Prompt: 17, Dirty
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Jimmy Palmer or Tim McGee, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.***
Just being here made him feel dirty.
Jimmy tried to push that feeling away; he shouldn't feel that way, not here in a cheerful office, where a doctor who wanted to help him was waiting to talk to him.
But there was something about being here that made him feel as though he was being judged, that all of his problems were out there front and center for the world to see. He hated that feeling; he hated being vulnerable to what other people might think of him.
He'd never really cared about that before, so why start now? Why did it suddenly matter so much what people he didn't even know might see in him?
He sighed softly, resting his head in one hand.
It mattered because he didn't want to be seen as a victim, that was why. He didn't want to be seen as being weak, as being "that guy who'd been raped."
He couldn't help feeling that talking to a therapist about his ordeal would make him relive it again, and feel just as dirty as he had while it was happening. It would all come back, and he wouldn't be able to shake the feeling away. It would be even more deeply ingrained.
Tim didn't think that would happen, but Tim wasn't the one who had gone through it. Tim meant well, but he could never really understand how this felt.
No one who hadn't experienced it could ever know what it was like. And he wouldn't wish an experience like that on anyone, not even his worst enemy.
If only it didn't make him feel so dirty just to think about what he'd been through, then this would be so much easier. Talking about it was only going to bring everything back, and rather than exacerbate those feelings, Jimmy was sure that it would only make them more pronounced.
But he had to talk to someone. Tim was right. He couldn't keep this all bottled up inside, or it was going to start affecting their relationship.
That was the last thing he wanted. He wouldn't let it happen.
Jimmy took one deep breath, then another. He was going to talk to this therapist, see this thing through. The first time would probably be the hardest.
After all, he had nothing to lose by doing this. Maybe Tim was right; maybe in the long run, it would make him feel a lot better to talk to someone who could be completely objective, someone who didn't know him. And maybe the therapist wouldn't judge him.
He had to push the uncomfortable feelings aside, put them out of his mind. And if they persisted, maybe he would just have to find a different therapist.
Most of all, he had to believe that this was the right thing for him to do.***