Author: Lyrical Soul aka Private Stash
E-mail: lyricalsoul@gmail.com
Feedback: Yes
Archive: Sure, just tell me where
Rating: G (beware the innuendo)
Pairing: Holmes/Watson. And Lestrade
Fandom: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
Spoilers: No
Disclaimer: I do not own Holmes, Watson, or Lestrade.
Notes: Answer to the Holmesslash "Threesome" Challenge. Again, all dialogue. All because I couldn't think of the 19th century word for "cock-blocking".
***
"Don't, Watson...""I was about to wake him,
Holmes."
"Let him sleep. Poor Lestrade.
It was a tiring evening for him."
"Yes, your lectures can be
rather drawn out."
"I meant the chase and
subsequent capture of Claude de Brunhill."
"Oh."
"And I was most certainly not
lecturing. I was merely pointing out the flaws in his pursuit of the case,
Watson."
"Best described as a soliloquy
then."
"You wound
me."
"And he is
snoring!"
"You snore
also."
"I live here, and pay my share
in order to sleep as I like. Guests, even ones we know as well as we know
Lestrade, should not snore."
"But look at him, Watson. The
lines around the eyes and mouth, the haggardness, even in sleep. If this is a
place where he is comfortable enough to let down his guard, why would you rob
him of that?"
"He's been sleeping for nearly
an hour! And as much I enjoy our Thursday evening meetings with the Inspector, I
have other plans, and they do not involve a third
party."
"I, too, have plans. A duet of
sorts. And while Lestrade is most certainly not a part of said plans, I do not
think waking him and shoving him out the door is proper
etiquette."
"I wasn't going to shove him
out, Holmes. It's just.. well, it's an important anniversary. That is, if one
counts such things…"
"One most certainly does,
Watson. As if I would be so callous as to forget the significance of this
day."
"Yes, well, one never knows
what you find significant. And see there! He's getting saliva on the
settee."
"There has been far worse
there."
"Holmes, you are not
helping."
"Glaring at Lestrade is not
helping, either."
"I bought
champagne."
"Indeed?"
"Yes. There is pate de fois
gras, and a fine wedge of brie. Which you can spread on those savoury biscuits
you pretend not to like, but I know you hoard them in the bottom of your chest
of drawers."
"Mr. Carr's biscuits? Oh,
Watson, you do spoil me. And your talent for finding my hidden treasures
improves daily."
"I shall not rise to the bait –
literally, or figuratively."
"A
pity."
"At any rate, I cannot share
such things with you if he's lying there, snoring."
"That is true. But, as he was
so kind to you during my… absence, assisting you in your fledging career as an
amateur detective and police surgeon, how can you begrudge him his
rest?"
"Because he's preventing me my
well-planned evening!"
"Do calm yourself, Watson.
He'll awaken soon."
"Hmph. One would think you were
not interested in my plans at all."
"Oh, I assure you, dear boy, I
am very interested."
"Oh, yes, I forgot. Pate de
fois gras never fails to bring you to your knees."
"True, but it is not the only
thing that has the power to do so."
"Holmes!"
"Ah, yes, Watson, it is not
wise to discuss such things with an officer of the law snoring away in our
sitting room."
"It is not I who continues to
talk out of turn. And it isn't as though he could possibly hear us with all the
noise he's making."
"He's trained to hear things. I
am certain he's particularly attuned to hearing conversations about
vices."
"Fine. I shall say no more. You
silence yourself as well."
"You are positively beastly
when your needs aren't met, Watson."
"It's been a while, Holmes. In
fact, it's been seventeen days-"
"Fourteen hours, and nearly
nine minutes. I am well aware that some time has passed since we were last
together. Perhaps I should play my violin. Music does calm the savage beast,
they say."
"Do whatever you'd like,
Holmes. I shall retire to the wintry comfort of my
bed."
"You'll do no such thing. Stand
there, by the window, and listen. Perhaps you'll be so moved, you will come up
with a title for our little adventure this past
week."
"The Case of the Celibate
Doctor sounds perfect."
"Hah! Quiet now, and listen…
"
"Hmm… you do have a way with
the bow..."
"You have
said."
"Let us not forget the presence
of the snoring Inspector, Holmes."
"I was not being
facetious."
"So you say. The melody is
exquisite... what is this piece called?"
"Intimate Frustrations in D
major."
"How fitting. Continue to saw
away, and perhaps the resulting tension will cause the strings to break, thus
perfecting your concerto."
"Put away your bull-pup, my
dear Watson. Hope is on the horizon."
"Indeed?"
"Yes. Look… he's rousing even
as we speak."
"Oh, I'm sorry, gentlemen… did
I drop off?"
"Indeed you did, Inspector. I'm
sure it has been a rather frustrating week for
you."
"Well, yes, Mr. Holmes, I
suppose it has. But I do beg your pardon for being so
rude."
"Not at all. You are always
welcome at Baker Street."
"I'll be going now. My wife has
been known to bolt the door when I don't come home as I
should."
"I understand completely,
Lestrade. Here's your hat. And please, have a few humbugs for your journey
home."
"You're too kind, Dr. Watson.
Though I do have something for you… I think you'll find great pleasure in
these."
"Tickets to hear Joachim,
Holmes! Lestrade, this is too much…"
"Simply a small token to show
my appreciation for your assistance in criminal
matters."
"You will be billed as usual,
Inspector. Such a gesture is not necessary."
"I know, but I thought
something from me personally would go a long way in showing my gratitude.
Besides, the unfortunate chap who held these tickets will no longer be able to
use. And I know of no one else who would enjoy
Joachim."
"Your wife,
surely…?"
"Doctor, please. If she wishes
to attend, I would have to do so also. Please take them, with my sincere thanks.
And maybe you will look upon them as an anniversary present of
sorts."
"We are commemorating the fact
that it has been exactly one year since I returned from the dead,
Lestrade."
"Along with a few other facts,
if I heard correctly, Mr. Holmes. While I cannot imagine how such a thing came
about, I do not begrudge either of you your happiness, if that is what you have
found. I wish you both well."
"You do us a great justice,
Inspector."
"Yes, well… I'll be getting
along now. I shouldn't want your champagne to go flat, Doctor. Good night to you
both."
"Good night, Inspector. Our
best to your wife."
"I told you he could hear you,
Watson."
"So you did. You will note that
he did not bat an eye. Or arrest us."
"He isn't blind, nor is he as
unobservant as I once thought he was. Years of exposure to my methods, I
suppose."
"Probably that his years of exposure to your bohemian nature make him immune to deviant behaviour on your part."
"Your participation did not surprise him, either, Watson."
"I should like to think he deduced that you seduced and corrupted me."
"Ever the romantic."
"Speaking of which... the
remainder of the evening belongs to us. If I'm not mistaken, you have a new
dressing gown you wished to wear tonight…?"
"Indeed I do. And your new
smoking jacket would be most welcome sight as we
dine."
"You see to the fire, and
I'll-"
"I shall indeed see to the
fire, my dear Watson…"
***