Title: All the Answers
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Michael Cutter
Fandom: Doctor Who/Law & Order
Rating: PG-13
Table: 100_tales
Prompt: 87, Answers
Warning: Mentions of rape.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Michael Cutter, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Michael looked down at his hands clasped in his lap, his mouth opening but no words coming out. The Doctor slid closer to him on the couch, slipping one arm around his lover's slender waist and letting the other man rest his head on his shoulder.

Closing his eyes, he rested his cheek against the softness of Michael's hair, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Whatever the man he loved had to tell him, he was going to be calm and prepared, and not push Michael into telling him more than he wanted to.

"It's all right, Mike," he murmured, not realizing that he'd used the diminutive form of his lover's name for the first time. "You can tell me anything you need to. You know that."

The other man nodded, swallowing audibly and reaching for the Doctor's free hand. The Time Lord twined their fingers together, wondering what in the world Michael could have to say that he needed this kind of support to be able to tell.

It didn't matter what Michael had to say -- he would support the man he loved, no matter if he said something horrific that took his breath away. Whatever was on his mind, whatever confession he felt that he needed to make, he would have someone to lean on.

The Doctor waited silently, raising one hand to stroke Michael's hair. He didn't want to rush the other man; he knew how hard it was to talk about things from the past, all the more so if it was still a recent wound and the scars were fresh.

"I don't know where to start," Michael whispered, his voice barely audible. He sounded dispirited, broken; the Doctor had never heard him sound quite so downhearted, not even when he'd been in the hospital. The tone of his lover's voice alarmed him.

Sitting up a little straighter, he wrapped his arm around Michael's waist again, pulling the other man more tightly against him. "Just let it come out, love," he encouraged, almost holding his breath.

"I .... this wasn't the first time something like this happened to me." The words seemed to tumble out after the shaky start, Michael's voice starting to rise slightly on the last few. "Only the last time, nobody else found me, and I didn't tell anybody what had happened."

"You've been -- raped before?" The Doctor could feel a wave of nausea threatening to overtake him; he had to blink rapidly and swallow hard before he could take a breath. "Michael, when did this happen? How long ago was it?"

"High school." Michael's voice was still tense, but it was on a more even keel now. "It's been years .... I hadn't even thought about it in forever. I just pushed it into the back of my mind and pretended it never happened. Just .... erased it."

"That never works," the Doctor said softly, closing his eyes and brushing his lips across Michael's hair. "I've tried to do that, too. But what you're feeling never disappear, Michael. It stays with you, and it colors your whole life."

Michael shook his head, his voice hoarse when he spoke again. "I just wanted to forget it. I knew that if I told anyone, I'd be .... a pariah. And I couldn't have dealt with that. Nobody even knew I was gay back then. So I had to keep it a secret."

"How old were you?" the Doctor asked, trying to keep his tone steady. His hearts ached for Michael; he shouldn't have had to hide who he was behind a mask of pretense.

"Sixteen." Michael's voice was just above a whisper; the Doctor almost had to strain to hear him. The quiet word brought tears to his eyes; he could just imagine what Michael had been like at that age, young and innocent and too afraid to tell anyone what he'd been through.

"I wish I'd known you then," he whispered, wanting to pull Michael into his arms and keep him there forever, to protect his lover with his own life if need be. If only he could take this man away to some place where he'd never be threatened with anything like that again ....

He could. He could take Michael out into the stars with him -- but they would both face more dangers there than his lover could ever face in a courtroom. He wouldn't be completely safe there any more than here, no matter how much the Doctor wanted him to be.

Michael let out a short, mirthless laugh. "You wouldn't have recognized me," he said, shaking his head, finally sitting up to look at the Time Lord. "I was a real geek. Glasses, carrying books around with me all the time." He smiled rueflly, still shaking his head. "A younger version of me now."

"But without the glasses," the Doctor murmured, laying one hand on Michael's cheek. "You need to talk to someone about what's happened to you, Michael. You can't just push it aside. You've done that once -- you shouldn't have to do it again."

The other man shook his head, spreading his hands out in front of him. "No need to try to keep this under wraps. Everybody knows. I'm already 'the prosecutor who let himself get fucked -- literally.' Not in so many words, but that's the inference."

"You didn't 'let' anything happen," the Doctor protested, his brows drawing together in a frown. "You were kidnapped and raped. You didn't ask for it."

"That doesn't matter." Michael's voice was flat, matter-of-fact. "There are going to be a lot of ugly questions asked about my personal life -- and I'm not going to hide who I am. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not gay. I haven't done that for a long time. I won't hide."

"You shouldn't have to hide, love." The Time Lord sighed, dropping his gaze and taking a deep breath. "I've been through the same thing you have. I know what it's like to feel that you can't talk to anyone -- and I know the effect it can have."

Michael squeezed his hand, his own voice soft and a little choked. "I hate to think of anything like that happening to you. You're .... more fragile than I am. I can handle it. I can't help thinking that it must have been a lot harder for you to deal with."

"I think you're much more fragile than you admit to being," the Doctor told him, taking both of Michael's hands in his own. "And as for those questions -- you don't have to give out all the answers, Mike. Your personal life is no one's business but your own."

It would be far too dangerous for him if there was a lot of prying into Michael's personal life -- the last thing he needed was pictures of himself in the papers, and a scrutiny into his background. He didn't have one for anyone to find, and that could be a sticky situation.

Once Michael found out that he wasn't the man he appeared to be .... what then? He'd have some explaining to do, and he wouldn't blame this man if he turned and walked away from him. He'd have no one to blame for that but himself.

Then he would have to give out some of the answers, if not all of them. And face the fact that Michael might very well choose not to be with him -- and that he'd be alone again.

He'd wanted to tell Michael the truth about himself for so long now, but he'd kept putting it off. Now, it looked as though he'd be forced to reveal everything about who he was -- and put the question to Michael of whether they should be together or not.

It was horrible timing. He didn't want to force his lover into making a choice like that, not after what had so recently happened to him. Michael already had a lot to face without the possibility of the two of them losing each other added to his worries.

Sighing softly, he squeezed Michael's hands, looking into the other man's eyes. "We'll get through this, Michael," he murmured, hoping that he was telling the truth. "We'll stick together, and we'll help each other cope with whatever we have to."

Michael nodded but didn't answer, his gaze moving down to their clasped hands. The Time Lord could only hope that he would be granted a little more time to decide just how to tell Michael about himself -- and time for the other man to make the decision that would affect their whole future.

***