Title: An Honest Mistake
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 32B, Ignored Instinct
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor rolled over in bed, pressing his face into the pillow and closing his eyes tightly. He hated it when thoughts of the past came back to him so vividly, especially when he was trying to get comfortable and go to sleep.

He really had to stop doing this. He hadn't been getting even a requisite amount of rest lately; he'd been running himself into the ground, which was something he rarely did. He generally tried to take better care of himself -- after all, it didn't take much effort.

He needed to rest, he told himself crossly as he squelched the urge to punch his pillow and fling it across the room. He didn't need as much sleep as a human, but there were times when he did need to recharge, and this was one of them.

But his thoughts wouldn't calm down; the memories of his past were coming into the forefront of his thoughts, playing through his mind like a Technicolor movie, scrolling past his mind's eye in living color as if they'd only happened yesterday.

Especially thoughts of Jack. Memories that were better left buried in the back of his mind, where they would never torture him with regrets over what might have been.

He should have known that his relationship with Jack would come to an end. After all, he knew what the other man was like; Jack didn't have meaningful relationships that lasted. He should consider himself lucky to have been involved with the immortal at all.

The Doctor's mouth twisted wryly at the thought. Lucky? No, he hadn't been lucky at all. He'd merely been just one more person that Jack had been attracted to, someone that the immortal had used for his own gratification for a short while.

And then he'd been thrown away when Jack had gotten tired of him, just like every other person in the immortal's life. Jack didn't have the capacity to be faithful, not for any long period of time. And the Doctor had always known that his emotions were fickle.

Jack was shallow, selfish, nothing more than a child in emotional terms. He would never be faithful, never make a real commitment to anyone.

He should have known that when he first became involved with the other man, the Doctor told himself irritably, wishing that he could banish the thoughts of Jack and their time together from his mind, push them away and lock them behind closed doors.

But he couldn't. Those thoughts, those memories, would always come back to him when he least expected them, haunting him with their fleeting sweetness. The times that he'd spent with Jack when he'd been so sure that the other man loved him.

All of his instincts had told him from the beginning that he should be careful, that Jack wasn't capable of making him happy. He should have listened to those instincts, but instead, he'd chosen to ignore them, and his subsequent unhappiness was no one's fault but his own.

Of course, he hadn't listened to the instincts that had told him time and time again to go back to the Hub, to see Jack again and try to renew their relationship, either.

It was too late for that. Jack had made it clear that he was done with the Doctor, that he had no further interest in their relationship. Maybe he would change his mind -- but there was the issue of pride to consider. He wouldn't grovel at Jack's feet.

He could lure the immortal back to his side; he had no doubt of that. He could appeal to Jack's innate sensuality, to his lack of morals. The other man might not be easy to win back, but he could do it; Jack's strong attraction to him couldn't be denied.

But he would never be happy. He would always worry about whether or not Jack was being faithful -- and even if he tried to lull himself into a false sense of security on that score, he would always know in the back of his mind that his lover was cheating on him.

With anyone else, that wouldn't matter. He would just accept the relationship as something casual, and have little flings of his own without caring.

That hadn't been true with Jack. He'd been unlucky enough to fall head over heels in love with the immortal; he'd given Jack both of his hearts, his soul. And he'd been stupid enough to think that love was returned as fully as he'd given it.

He should have known better. He knew that Jack's emotions were shallow; he'd known that the man only cared about pleasing himself when it came to relationships, and that it was easy for him to walk away and forget that other people had feelings.

But he'd also ignored that instinct that had told him to avoid letting his emotions become involved, and he'd jumped in head first, with his eyes closed. That was always a mistake, but more so with someone like Jack, who was a born user.

And this was what he was left with. Frustration, unhappiness, and an empty bed that he didn't want to fill with someone who meant nothing more than a physical connection.

He was also left with the inability to sleep because of the images that kept moving through his mind, flooding his thoughts with memories that he'd rather forget. Well, not forget -- but push into obscurity and lock safely away.

Falling in love was a luxury that he shouldn't have allowed himself. It was something he usually kept scrupulously away from; he made friends, he even had lovers, but he didn't allow his emotions to be involved with them -- or theirs with him.

If only he'd listened to those instincts that had told him falling in love with Jack was a mistake, instead of ignoring them. Then he'd be much better off at his present point, the Doctor told himself, finally giving in to the urge to punch his pillow.

At least it had been an honest mistake. There was nothing wrong with falling in love -- as long as it was the right person. But Jack had definitely been the wrong one. And there was nothing he could do about that mistake now, other than deal with the repercussions.

Pulling up the covers around his bare shoulders, the Doctor resolutely closed his eyes, trying to push those thoughts of Jack out of his mind. It was obvious that sleep was going to be a long time in coming, if he managed to get any at all.

***