Title: Tears Are Not Enough
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: 5, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 6, Tears
Warning: past non-con.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***


The Doctor curled up in his favorite chair in the library of the Tardis, wondering where Brendan could be, but glad that he was alone at the moment. His emotions were getting the better of him, and he didn't want his boyfriend to see him in this state.

Ever since their ill-fated encounter with the Master, he'd felt a wall being built between Brendan and himself. He had no idea how to knock that wall down, or scale it and land safely on the other side. And he could feel it getting higher with each passing day.

Soon, he was sure, the two of them would be separated by a wide, gaping chasm that neither of them would be able to leap over. All that they had shared would be gone, and they would lose each other. Which was exactly what the Master had wanted all along.

How that monster would laugh if he knew what sort of damage he'd caused! And of course, being the vain popinjay he was, he would expect the Doctor to come to him, to admit that he was the only man who could possibly satisfy another Time Lord.

The Doctor clenched his fists, a momentary anger sweeping over him. No. He'd never do that. He would never give in to the Master's demands. He would die first. And there was no way that he was going to sacrifice his relationship with Brendan on the altar of the Master's lust.

He'd been hovering between those moments of anger and the hopelessness of tears all day; whenever he looked at Brendan, he could feel those tears rising behind his eyes, though he had been careful not to let them overflow and be seen.

How many tears had he already cried over what had been done to the man he loved? Too many to count; there was no way that he could recall all the times he had cried over the past few days, and not only at the memory of what had taken place.

He'd cried with frustration, and helplessness. He'd cried from the knowledge that he couldn't take them back in time and fix this, smooth out their lives so that none of this had ever happened to Brendan and he didn't feel tainted by the Master's evil desires.

Most of all, he'd cried for the separation that he was sure would be coming. He couldn't make things better, and he couldn't make Brendan forget about what had happened. The blame for all of this could only be rested squarely on his shoulders, no one else's.

Of course, it could be argued that the blame all belonged to the Master. Be that as it may, the Doctor told himself, the tears starting to rise again, he still blamed himself. After all, this wouldn't have happened to Brendan if he hadn't been with the Doctor.

That was the crux of the situation, wasn't it? The Master had done this because he was angry at the Doctor for being with someone else, for taking a human lover. Brendan was innocent of any blame in any way; he had simply been the innocent bystander caught in the crossfire.

And yet the Master had focused on him, used him to get at the Doctor. This was why he'd never gotten involved with his companions in the past, other than Jack, and why he'd never taken a companion as a lover. Because of precisely this sort of danger to them.

He had never wanted his lovers -- or indeed, anyone he cared for -- to be subjected to the Master's single-minded obsession with him. He'd never wanted them to be used as a way for the Master to get to him, and he'd always tried to protect the people he cared about.

But this time, the Master had been able to circumvent those protections -- or maybe he himself hadn't been vigilant enough. He'd let his guard down, and the Master had been able to slip through the cracks to hurt the man he loved. He would never be able to forgive himself for that.

Brendan would probably argue that it wasn't his fault -- but the way he saw things, it was. He had fallen down in his vigilance, in his vow to protect those who he cared about the most. And Brendan had been the one to suffer because of his carelessness.

The tears were streaking down his face now; he couldn't hold them back, couldn't keep them hidden any longer. It was a good thing that Brendan was somewhere else on the ship, he thought, raising a hand to wipe ineffectually at his tears.

He didn't have enough tears to cry for the guilt he felt over letting the Master get to his beloved. If only he'd been more careful; if only he'd been able to distract that evil monster away from his boyfriend, to take all of that punishment onto himself ....

The Doctor sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He had to make an attempt to calm down; if he didn't, then he would more than likely manage to have a complete emotional breakdown, something that he couldn't remember doing since the death of his mother.

No, he wasn't going to let that happen. Not again. He managed to hide his emotions from the world; he could do that now, tuck them away and not let them out. He could hide behind the stoicism that he had always prided himself on presenting.

He wouldn't hide his feelings from Brendan, though. That was impossible. He wasn't going to pretend that everything his lover had suffered didn't matter; there was no need to hide his tears from the man who meant everything to him.

Still, tears were not enough to express the depth of his guilt. He had no words for it, either. How could he explain exactly how he felt to Brendan, when he wasn't sure of it himself? There were so many emotions roiling within him that he didn't know how to separate them all.

There was anger alongside the guilt, love for Brendan, hatred for the Master .... along with many other emotions that he didn't even have a name for. Feelings that he'd never had before, an emotional outpouring that he didn't know how to deal with.

He could never make enough apologies to Brendan to take away the pain of what had happened -- and it was very possible that his lover would never forgive him for this. He wouldn't blame Brendan if they drifted further apart; it wasn't the other man's fault.

Who would want to stay with someone who had let them be violated? True, he'd been helpless to stop the Master -- but he should have been able to protect Brendan. He should have been able to keep his enemy from being able to reach the man he loved.

Brendan couldn't be blamed if he wanted to go back to his life on Earth. He'd said that he still loved the Doctor, and that he wanted to stay -- but he had every right to change his mind. And if he was going to be exposed to danger like this all the time, he had a right to choose to leave.

The thought made the Doctor's tears fall faster; he had to choke back a sob, raising a hand to his mouth to cover the sound. He didn't want to lose Brendan. Losing his lover would hurt more than tearing his own hearts out of his chest and offering them up to the Master on a silver platter.

All that he could do, really, was hope that Brendan didn't change his mind. The last thing he wanted as the outcome of all this was to lose the man he loved; he couldn't let the Master force the two of them to part so easily. He wouldn't let that happen.

Would Brendan be able to forgive him for allowing this to happen? The Doctor took another deep breath, wiping away the last vestiges of the tears on his face. He had to hold on to the hope that Brendan's love for him was stronger than whatever resentment he might feel.

Tears and recriminations against himself weren't enough to make this right, the Doctor thought with a sigh. No, he had to talk to Brendan; he had to go to his boyfriend and explain how he felt. He had to get all of these emotions out in the open and let the two of them talk it over.

If he didn't have the courage to do that, then they were doomed. They would continue to drift further and further apart, until there was no way that they could possibly find each other again, no matter how much they wanted to. And the Master would have won.

No. No. The Doctor clenched his fists, a look of steely determination settling onto his features. That wasn't going to be the outcome of this. His enemy was not going to win. Nothing was going to drive a wedge between himself and Brendan. Nothing.

Getting to his feet, he headed out of the room, determined to find Brendan. He would talk this over with his lover, and get all of his emotions out in the open. Shedding tears over all that had happened wouldn't fix things; he needed to take action, and the sooner he did, the better for both of them.

***