Title: Before and After
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 6, 50ficlets
Prompt: 10, Before
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

"You know, there are times when I can hardly remember what my life was like before you came into it," the Doctor said softly, leaning back against the pillows and running a hand through Jamie's hair. "I can hardly even remember being lonely."

"Really?" The Time Lord's words made Jamie smile; that was what he wanted to hear, that he made his lover's life better. There were still times when he couldn't help but wonder if the Doctor would be happier without having to take responsibility for a human.

"Really," the Doctor told him, ruffling his hair affectionately. "You've changed my life in so many ways, Jamie -- and all of them have been for the better. I can't imagine what I'd be like now, if you weren't here. I know one thing -- I'd be a very lonely man."

"So would I," Jamie said softly, shuddering at the thought of what his life would be like if he'd been forced to go that alternate universe with that whiny, spoilt brat. He didn't want to dwell on those thoughts; they were too disturbing, too repulsive.

"You would have made friends," the Doctor told him, sounding a little reproachful. "You would have been able to make a life for yourself there, even if you hadn't stayed with her. You could have been happy in some ways, Jamie. I know you could have."

"Maybe." Jamie was noncommittal; he didn't really believe that he would have been happy at all if he'd been forced to go off to spend his sort human life span with someone he didn't love. And even if he had left her in the dust, he still wouldn't have been happy.

He would have had such vivid memories of the brief time he'd been able to spend with the Doctor, a time he would have always recalled as being the happiest short hours of his life. He would have lived to see the Doctor again, and done anything he could to make that happen.

Though it would probably have all been useless in the end, he thought with a sigh. He would never have seen the Doctor again; he would have been reduced to nothing more than the memories that crowded into his mind, memories that didn't even belong to him.

No one should have to live like that, spending the short time that was allotted to a human yearning for a person they could never see again, much less have in their lives on a constant basis. He was grateful that his own life hadn't been reduced to that.

He couldn't have lived with only his memories of the time he'd spent with the Doctor before; he would more than likely have chosen to end the life he'd been given. It wouldn't really be a life without the Doctor, would it? Not for him.

Or was there too much of the Doctor in him to contemplate doing something like that? Jamie didn't know the answer to that question definitively, but he suspected that there was. He had too much of a love of life and respect for it to take his own, no matter what the circumstances.

Fortunately, the decision had been taken out of his hands; he didn't have to spend the rest of his life looking back at what had gone before it had all gone so wrong. He was here, with the Doctor, right by his side -- exactly where the wanted to be.

"What are you thinking about?" the Doctor asked, his voice soft. He sounded curious, as though he really had no idea what Jamie could be thinking, even though he could have easily reached into his lover's mind with his telepathic abilities and gleaned what he wanted to know.

"I'm thinking about us," Jamie told him, his voice equally soft, a husky tone to it. "I'm thinking about what it would have been like for me, before and after. How I could have spent an entire human lifetime mourning because I'd lost you, and how glad I am that didn't happen."

"It never would have, love," the Doctor murmured, his voice breaking a little on the last word. "Because if it had, then I would have lost you, too -- and I couldn't live with that. Let people think that I'm selfish. Let them think whatever they want. I know that I did the right thing."

"Yes, you did. For both of us," Jamie said, turning his head to press a kiss to the Time Lord's bare shoulder. He snuggled into his lover's arms with a sigh of satisfaction, closing his eyes and giving himself up to slumber, pushing away those disturbing thoughts in favor of pleasant dreams.

***