Title: Never Be Mine
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 8, Never
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling of the Tardis' control room before closing his eyes to block out the sight. Quiet settled around him; the only sound was the gentle whirring sound that the ship always seemed to make.

Solitude was something that most people would welcome, the Time Lord thought, resolutely keeping his eyes closed rather than looking around him to see how empty the ship was of any presence but his own. That was something he was trying very, very hard to forget.

Why was it that he always wanted to have someone with him? There were other Time Lords who had seemed to get along just fine without companions; he shouldn't have such an ingrained need, a yearning to have someone around that he could share his life with.

It wasn't even a romantic partner that he was looking for, he told himself with a sigh. He just wanted a .... a friend. Someone to talk with, someone who could share the long, lonely hours with him. Someone who could make his life seem less .... desolate.

Of all the things he'd ever wanted in his long life, companionship seemed to be the one thing he was always denied. It was the one thing that he reached out for with both hands, desperate to have it within his grasp, only to see it slip through his fingers time and time again.

Oh, he had companions. He had friends. But they always left him at some point. It was inevitable. His wasn't the kind of life that anyone wanted to make theirs; anyone who was with him would always leave after what seemed like an inordinately short amount of time.

Why was it that the one thing he wanted most of all was destined to never be his?

And why was it that he didn't feel complete without someone sharing his life? He could exist on his own with no problem; he'd proven that many times before. But that was all it felt like -- an existence. An empty existence, where he was just marking time.

He didn't want an existence, an emptiness that seemed bigger than time and space. He wanted a life that he could share with a friend, someone who would be there for him in his sorrows as well as his joys, a person who could share everything with him.

Not a romantic involvement. No. He'd tried that with a companion before, only to have that person choose another life over one with him. He wasn't going to relive the pain of having a lover walk away from his as Jack had. That was the past, and he wouldn't try to recereate it.

There would be no more taking on companions who he could fall in love with, the Doctor told himself firmly. That was over and done, a thing of the past. He'd tried it before, and there had always been disastrous consequences -- though none so bad as this last time.

Still, there had to be a way for him to find a companion who wouldn't either capture his hearts, or demand more in a personal sort of way than he was willing to give. He winced at the thought, pushing away the memory of the last two who had done that.

He had cared for both of them -- in a friendly way, and no more. One had been nothing more than a child -- a selfish, spoilt child who had literally attempted to set the whole galaxy at war just because she couldn't have what she thought she wanted from him.

The memory brought a shudder; he pushed it away, locking it into the back of his mind.

Why was it that he could never find a companion who was happy to be with him just a friend? That was what he needed -- someone who would respect his limits, and who would give him the love and support of a friend. Someone who would watch his back and be there for him.

Not someone who would try to make him feel something that he never could, someone who would insist that they be his first priority, the alpha and omega of his world. He'd had enough of that. It wasn't what he had ever wanted from anyone.

He just wanted a friend. Someone to laugh with, to commiserate with, someone to share the ups and downs of life traveling in time and space with. Someone who could relate to him without expecting more from him than he was ready or willing to give.

But it didn't seem as though he was destined to ever find anyone like that. The few times that he thought he had, that person had always ended up turning out to be the very opposite of the companion he'd wanted and thought he had -- or they had walked away from him.

Why was it that what he most wanted always seemed to elude him? Of course, no one could be perfectly happy all the time -- and he was more than willing to accept that maybe the happiness of finding someone who would be his perfect companion could only be fleeting.

He could accept that, if only he could find such a person, even for what would seem to him like a short time. He knew the futility of trying to find someone who would be with him for the length of time he wanted them to be -- he'd tried that with Jack, and it hadn't worked.

Jack. The one person who could have been with him forever -- and who hadn't wanted to be.

How many of his companions had sworn that they wanted what he did, only to want it for reasons that the Doctor wouldn't even consider? Jack had been the only person who had seemed to want to be with him for the right reasons -- but still, he'd left like all the others.

He wasn't going to think about Jack. That was yet another part of the past, a past that it was time to close the door on and stop yearning after. He had to learn to let go of those memories, to look back on them and realize that they could never be resurrected.

It was just so disheartening to think that the companionship he sought would never be his. He had to resign himself that he would never find the perfect companion he so desperately longed for; he would have to learn to accept people as they were, both when they joined him and when they decided to leave.

Sighing, the Doctor got to his feet, going to the console and frowning down at it. Where did he want to go? There was no particular destination that he had in mind -- but for some reason, whenever he didn't know where he wanted to be, he was always drawn back to Earth.

All right, then. Earth it was. The place where he usually found most of his companions -- and where he just might find the next one. His spirits rose at the thought as he pressed in the coordinates to take him there, optimism taking the place of depression.

It didn't matter if whatever companion he might happen to chance upon was only with him for a short time. It would still be worth it, to have another person in the world who he could call a friend, someone who could share his life, even if only for a brief period.

Anything beyond that would be a gift -- one that he would readily accept. Maybe he would never find the perfect companion, and maybe true happiness would never be his. But he would take those moments where he could find them, and be grateful for what he did have in the end.

***