Title: Black Tangled Heart
Pairing: John Reese/Jordan Hester
Fandom: Person of Interest
Table: 1, stories_a_z
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely John Reese or Jordan Hester, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***What was he doing here? There was no earthly reason for him to be trudging up these steps, possibly heading for one of the biggest disappointments of his life. He should turn around and leave, force himself to forget about the man he so desperately wanted to see.
John almost wanted to curse himself as he put one foot in front of the other, slowly moving up the steps towards Jordan Hester's apartment. He shouldn't be here. He had helped Jordan get his identity back; his involvement with this man should end there.
But he couldn't stop himself from putting one foot in front of the other, each step taking him closer to the moment when he would knock on that closed door and hope that it would swing wide in welcome once Jordan saw who was standing there.
Why was he so obsessed with this man? Maybe it was because he'd misjudged Jordan at first, thinking, as everyone else had, that he was the villain in the situation that he'd been caught up in. John still felt guilty over that, though he knew that he had no reason to.
What would Jordan say when he saw John standing at his door? Would he be invited in with open arms, or would Jordan prefer to simply forget about him? He wasn't sure exactly what would happen, or even why he was here. He only knew that he had to see Jordan again.
He hadn't been able to get his mind off the man he and Finch had helped; Jordan certainly wasn't the first, nor would he be the last, but there had been something about him that had captured John's attention, drawing him to Jordan like the proverbial moth to a flame.
He'd spent the last two weeks trying to sort out his feelings, but they had only seemed to become more tangled as he'd tried to compartmentalize them. He didn't know exactly how he felt about Jordan -- but he knew that he wanted to see the other man again.
The restlessness he'd been feeling for the past two weeks wasn't going to abate until he did. He hadn't told Finch that he was coming here; he knew that the man he worked with would caution against it, that he would have all kinds of reasons for leaving Jordan in the past.
Even though that would undoubtedly be the best thing he could do, he wasn't going to turn back now. He was too close; he could almost feel Jordan's presence. He could see those eyes, that face, the features so clearly etched into his mind's eye.
What was wrong with him? Hadn't he learned not to get involved with the people he and Finch helped? He was only heading for a heartbreak, yet another in a long series of them. He wasn't going to do himself any favors by seeing Jordan again.
Being in the presence of the man he wanted was only going to point out to him how impossible it was for him to be with Jordan. He should leave well enough alone, take his heart back into his keeping and back away, let Jordan live his life without John being in it.
But he couldn't do that, John thought with a sigh as his foot touched the carpet in the hallway that led to Jordan's apartment. He was here now; he had come too far to back away. If he turned and left at this point, he was nothing more than a coward.
He had to face the feelings that he had for Jordan -- and he had to find out if those feelings might be returned. If he didn't ask, then he was never going to know -- and he couldn't go through the rest of his life without knowing. He had to have a definitive answer.
If Jordan said that he wasn't interested, then he would respect that. He would apologize for bothering him, and he would go on his way. But he knew that he would never be able to get Jordan Hester out of his mind -- or out of his heart.
Why had he fallen so hard, and so quickly? That wasn't like him. He'd thought that he had kept a tight rein on his emotions; the only one that he allowed himself to feel now was anger. He wouldn't let the softer side of who he was be seen. Never again.
He'd done that too often in the past -- and it had always ended badly. The only softer emotion he would let himself feel now was his friendship and loyalty to Harold. He had no room for emotions in his life; they only slowed him down and made him less effective at what he did.
John wasn't sure that he'd have tried to push his feelings for Jordan aside, even if he could. Yes, having those strong emotions was going to make him less useful -- but he was tired of being alone. He wasn't going to let yet another chance for love go by.
He wanted Jordan. More than that, he needed this man. He needed someone by his side, to stand strong with him, to be there for him when he needed someone to hold. He needed someone who could be there with him, someone who could understand who he was.
That would be hard to do, considering that he didn't really understand that himself, John thought with a wry smile. But if anyone was capable of understanding him, it was Jordan. He didn't know why that was; he just had a definite feeling that Jordan was the one.
It was crazy to feel this way, he told himself as he walked slowly along the thickly carpeted hallway. For all he knew, Jordan wouldn't be interested. He knew that Jordan liked men; he'd followed the other man enough to see him entering and exiting gay bars. But Jordan might not want him.
John took a deep breath, pausing where he stood and closing his eyes. What if that was the case? What if Jordan had already found someone -- or he simply wasn't interested? It wasn't going to be easy to back off and lick his wounds. Not this time.
He'd let himself build Jordan and what they might be able to build together too much in his mind; he wanted this man too badly to back off. All that he could do was hold out his black tangled heart to Jordan, the heart that had been broken far too many times already.
He had to hope that Jordan would take that heart in his hands and treat it gently -- and also hope that Jordan might hold out his own heart in return. He wouldn't blame the other man if he didn't. he would simply walk away and try to put the object of his desire out of his mind.
But he would never be able to put Jordan out of his heart. He didn't know why he'd fallen so hard for this man, but he had -- and he had to accept the fact. Whether they ended up being together or not, he had already surrendered his heart.
His heart wasn't worth much now, John thought wryly. Jordan deserved more than such a black tangled heart, a heart that had already been wrung of all its emotions and hung out to dry. But still, he wanted to give what was left of that heart to the other man.
He wanted Jordan to take that heart and bring it back to life, to make it breathe again. He wanted to have that heart filled with love -- a love that, this time, wouldn't be taken away from him. He wanted a chance to start over again, to let his heart soar to the heavens.
It was the wrong thing for someone like him to want. He knew it. There was very little chance that his heart would ever achieve the heights that it had once been capable of soaring to -- but somehow, he knew that if anyone could take him there, it was Jordan.
Why he felt that, John had no idea -- but it was a conviction that was growing stronger with each step that he took towards Jordan's door. In just a few more moments, he would be there -- prepared to hold out his heart to the man he wanted to take it.
Would his heart be enough to offer Jordan? It had to be, John told himself firmly. It was all he had to offer. He couldn't give Jordan stability and security -- but he could give him love, loyalty, and a heart that needed to reach out for him, a heart that would love as it was loved.
His footsteps stopped in front of Jordan's door; he stood there, staring at it, raising his hand to knock before lowering it again and closing his eyes. Was he doing the right thing? Should he be here? Or was he making a mistake, one that they could both end up bitterly regretting?
He would never regret loving Jordan, or being with him. He couldn't Even if this didn't turn out to be all that he'd hoped, he could never regret letting his black tangled heart, the heart that had been hidden for so long, be lured out into the open by someone he could love.
All he could do was hope that his heart would be delivered safely into Jordan's hands, and that it would be treasured and cared for. Taking a deep breath, he raised his hand again, rapping his knuckles on the door and holding his breath when he heard footsteps approaching on the other side.
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