Title: Building Up Barriers
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, prompt_palooza
Prompt: 6, Wall
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

There was always a wall between himself and everyone around him.

It was true, the Doctor thought morosely as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Even when he was walking along a crowded street in London, with people all around him, he didn't feel open to anyone. He was hiding within himself, as he always did.

Of course, the fact that he wasn't human had a great deal to do with him putting up those walls. But he had the tendency to do that anyway, even with people who were close to him. He'd spent his life telling himself that it was simply part of his nature to do so.

But was it? Did he really have to distance himself so much? Or did he do it as some sort of form of self-preservation?

Ah, he'd hit upon the truth with that thought, he told himself inwardly, a wry smile flitting across his features. Anyone who looked at him in that moment might have thought they'd seen a slight smile on that handsome face, a smile that was gone in an instant.

He couldn't open himself up to anyone. Either they would be like Jack and make promises that they had no intention of keeping, or they would eventually turn on him. He didn't honestly know which one was the worst form of betrayal.

It seemed to him that those walls had always been there, even when he was younger and had been in a body that was long gone. He'd learned quickly to be cautious about opening up to anyone, even in friendship. That had been a hard lesson.

Maybe it was easier for other members of his race to detach themselves, but for him, it had always been the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

He'd always been told that he shouldn't be so fond of humans, that he needed to keep some distance between himself and them. He'd never really listened to that; he'd always had a firm belief that the human race was worth knowing.

Though now, through his experiences with Jack and a few others, that opinion was changing.

It was happening slowly, over a period of time, but his attitude towards humans was becoming more cautious. It wasn't a change that he liked; he fought against it, but he could still feeling it happening within himself, feel those walls going up.

He had always known that he couldn't afford to be completely open and truthful with humans. There had been more than a few who'd learned his true nature, but most of those had been people he could trust, who would never betray him.

Then, of course, there had been the ones who had no loyalty to him, no faith in him. They'd been the ones who had been the start of those walls being built, and with the passage of time, more experience with their race had led to those walls slowly growing taller.

They weren't so tall yet that they couldn't be scaled. But it would grow harder and harder for them to be breached over time, and they'd eventually be far too high for anyone to get past them.

He didn't want that. Not really. He didn't want to shut himself away behind mental and emotional walls. Most of his own race had lived like that, secure in the knowledge that no one could get to them behind those barriers -- locked away within themselves.

They had never known what it was like to reach out to others, to let their emotions take rein over their minds. He had been cautioned that as a Time Lord, he would have to adopt that sort of attitude, assured that it was the "safest" way to live.

The Doctor sighed, moving aside for someone headed down the street in the opposite direction. The man bumped into him slightly, shooting him an aggrieved look before he made his way down the pavement without a backward glance.

What was that man like when he wasn't hurrying to get somewhere? Would he have been a human worth knowing, someone who could have been a friend?

He would never know. There were so many humans here in the city of London, such possibilities for a companion, a friend -- possibly even a lover. One who would stay with him for the duration of their lifetime, one who wouldn't want to leave.

That thought was pushed away from his mind as soon as it occurred to him. He'd learned his lesson about taking lovers, hadn't he? That was something he'd sworn to himself he'd never do again. Not after Jack. That was a complication he didn't need in his life.

It was a pain that he didn't need to feel again. A pain that never went away.

Even though the walls had gone up, and he was keeping them well-guarded, that memory always lingered to pierce his hearts. If there was any one reason for his barriers against the world becoming stronger, that was it.

Lovers were something that he had to guard against. Casual lovers were fine -- there were certainly plenty of places in the universe that he could find those, including Earth. A night of passion here and there to satisfy a physical need -- that was all.

But someone to touch his hearts, someone who could hold him to them emotionally -- that was in the past. He wasn't looking for that sort of love in his life any more. It was the last thing he needed; his relationship with Jack had proven that.

Yes, the walls were high and thick, and growing more so with each passing day. They weren't going to come down again. He'd make sure they didn't.

Was it a mistake to live that way, as the rest of his race had, locked away behind barriers and trying to live within his own mind? He had needs that the rest of his kind seemed well enough able to ignore -- needs that he found it nearly impossible to turn away from.

He had to. He couldn't let those needs take over his life -- and he couldn't let himself forget what he was because of them. He wasn't a human who could indulge himself with emotions. He was first and foremost a Time Lord.

No, that wasn't all he was, the Doctor thought to himself as he turned a corner, reluctantly starting to retrace his steps back to the Tardis.

He was first and foremost a lonely man.

And that loneliness would follow him through all the days of his life, as the walls around him grew ever higher and separated him irrevocably from the rest of the world.

***