Title: Change of Heart
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 100_tales
Prompt: 65, Leaving
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

He should be used to being lonely by now, the Doctor reflected, sighing and stretching his long legs out in front of him. In fact, he should welcome it. It was a way of life for him, something that he could sink into as if it was a comfortable coat that he shrugged into on a cold day.

Even when he had companions, he was always haunted by the knowledge that they would inevitably leave. The ones who said that they would stay with him forever were always the ones who left the soonest, he told himself, a wry smile quirking his lips. Strange, that.

Ah, well, he was used to it. Or at least he should be. Somehow, no matter how often he told himself that he was probably meant to spend his life alone, it always hurt like the devil when any of his companions left. Even the ones who he'd thought he wouldn't want to have around for too long.

Of course, there were some who he hadn't minded letting go -- but he wasn't going to spend time thinking of them. The past was the past, after all, and their time with him had been brief.

Brief to him -- but to humans, the time they spent with him could encompass a large part of their lives. A year was so long to a human! he thought, another slight smile twisting his lips. A year. That was nothing to him. A year flew by in an instant, the blink of an eye.

There had been years in his life that had seemed to stretch on forever -- some that he didn't care to remember, he thought, wincing as he pushed some of the memories back and slammed a mental door on them. Some things were better off not thought of; they needed to remain in the past.

And what did the past matter? It was over, done, behind him; he should think about the future, examine the possibility of finding a new companion and showing them the universe. Wallowing in the past wasn't going to do him any good; it would only make him feel bitter. And he didn't need that.

Still .... he closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall of the Tardis. What was going to happen when he found a new companion? The usual. They would be with him for a while, entranced by all that he could show them. They would adventure around the galaxy, and he'd form a friendship that he would allow himself to hope could last forever.

He would become close to a person -- not physically, but as a friend, someone he cared for -- hoping against hope that this time, things would be different and they would be the one to stay.

Then, something would happen, and his companion would start to pull away from him -- build up walls, think of reasons why they shouldn't do this or go running into that. And then would come the inevitable day when they would tell him that they had to leave.

Everyone who'd left had always done it properly, he couldn't deny that. They'd never just walked out on him; they'd always had their reasons, and some of them hadn't actually wanted to leave, but had been forced to by circumstances beyond their control. He'd never held it against any of them.

But it all boiled down to the same thing. In the end -- they left. And he was left alone again, wondering if he would ever find the one person who would be able to give him forever.

There had only been one person who would have been able to do that, he told himself, feeling his hearts clench in his chest at the thought. But that person had chosen a life on Earth, not in his own time, but in a time and place where he felt comfortable. Somewhere that he felt he could do some good for the world.

He couldn't deny Jack that. He himself had always been ruled by the need to help wherever he could; he understood Jack's feelings in that area. If Jack felt that he belonged on 21st-century Earth with his team at Torchwood, then so be it. The Doctor wasn't going to hold him back.

But there would always be a tiny part of him -- oh, all right, a rather large part -- that resented Jack for saying that he would be there forever and not following through on that promise. How many times had he heard that, believed it, and allowed himself to cling to the hope that his loneliness would be assuaged?

Too many times to count. But Jack .... Jack had been the one who could actually give him the forever he needed. The immortal, the man who couldn't die. He'd thought that the two of them would spend their lives with each other, arguing and laughing and loving through space and time.

How many times had they been in bed together, Jack holding him in those strong arms and whispering that this was only the beginning? How many times had he opened his hearts, his soul, and his body to Jack, and let himself believe that this was what he'd been meant for?

He didn't need to think about that. The Doctor shook his head, dispelling the image of Jack from his mind, swallowing hard past the pain of the memory. That was over and done. He couldn't have it back.

Was it even worth trying to find someone else to be with him? Or was he better off alone? No one was gong to be able to stay, even if they swore that they wanted to. Everyone seemed to have their own families, their friends, their own lives to go back to. Lives that meant something to them.

Everyone but him.

This was all he had. He had the Tardis, and .... The Doctor took a deep breath, his teeth sinking into his lower lip. He had what he was. That was all. He was a Time Lord, and that title brought responsibility. And risks. And sacrifices. Sacrifices that he wished he didn't have to make.

He'd accepted those sacrifices when he'd become what he was. He hadn't turned away from what he had to do then, and he wasn't going to start now. But as his life went on, it became harder and harder to accept that he would never have the things he most wanted.

When he was younger, he'd wanted to see the universe. He'd wanted to not have ties; he'd wanted to be on his own, to not have anyone who depended on him and to not have a dependence on anyone else. And he'd lived like that for more years than he wanted to admit.

But now .... it was all so different. He wanted to have someone in his life, someone who he could turn to. Someone who would always be there for him. Someone who he could love -- and someone who loved him enough to stay with him for a lifetime.

He had changed, more than he was willing to admit. There were things he wanted now that he hadn't even thought of then. He hadn't realized that as he aged, however slowly, he would become a different person. The change of heart he'd had about what he wanted out of his life had come so slowly that he hadn't really realized it was happening.

Silly of him to think that way, wasn't it? He should have known that he wouldn't remain static, that he would inevitably grow and change as he became older. But that was something he hadn't thought of in his younger days -- and he was paying for it now.

Ah, but everyone did that, he reasoned with himself, raising a hand to run it through his unruly hair. There probably wasn't a person in the universe who didn't live with regrets. He had his own set of those -- and the problem of his own loneliness was only the tip of a very large iceberg.

He would find another companion -- eventually. He would forge a friendship with them -- and inevitably, when they were ready, they would leave. It was a cycle that he had grown used to, and even though the hurt of being left was always fresh when it came, it was something he had to accept.

It was just another sacrifice he had to make as a Time Lord. And, truth be told, he wouldn't change what he was -- not even if it meant less pain, less sacrifice -- and less loneliness.

The Doctor stood up, heaving a sigh. It was past time he shook off this melancholy and began to think of what possibilities the future held. Maybe it was time to look for a new companion -- someone to share the universe with, someone who would renew his own sense of wonder in what was around him. Someone to be with him and push the loneliness away for a while -- however brief that time might be.

After all, good things were supposed to come to those who waited. And in his experience, the best things usually happened to him when he least expected them.

A smile spread over his face at the thought. He would go to Earth, look around, spend some time on the planet. Who knew what could happen while he was there? He might even run into Jack again. There was no telling what the future could have in store for him.

He leaned over the console of the Tardis, pushing the buttons that would take him to 21st-century Earth.

"Allons-y!"

***