Title: Close the Door
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: DIY, 30_forbidden
Prompt: 30, Close
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed softly as he rested his head against the softness of the couch cushions, closing his eyes. He'd been sitting here reading a book, but he couldn't make any sense out of the words that he must have read at least half a dozen times.

His mind wasn't on what he was doing; it hadn't been since he'd entered the library and picked up a book. He was, as usual, thinking about Jack. It was something that he couldn't help doing whenever he spent time on Earth, and for days after leaving the planet.

Whenever he was on Earth, there was such a pull towards Cardiff and Jack that it was nearly impossible to resist. This time, he'd literally had to force himself not to go there, just for a day, or even for a few hours, to be in the same city where Jack lived and breathed.

But he'd kept away from it. He'd known that it would do no good to go there; even though he and Jack were now friends, their relationship was long over, and it would do no good to torture himself with the hope that they could recapture their past.

That door was firmly closed, and had been for a while. He had to content himself with the fact that he and Jack had at least been able to maintain a friendship after their intense relationship had ended; it was more than most people had from the immortal.

What would happen if that door wasn't completely closed? The Doctor wondered about that every time he was on Earth, every time he spoke to Jack. He couldn't help thinking that they could still have a chance to make a relationship work, if they dared to try.

He shouldn't let himself think about that, an inner voice admonished him. Hadn't Jack always said that when something was over, it was over for good? There was no going back, because things could never be the same as they'd been in the past.

If they tried to go back, they would always strive to make their relationship what it had been, instead of treating it like a completely new relationship and trying to make it better, taking it on its own terms. They would always be haunted by their mutual past.

Jack didn't want that. He'd made it more than clear that what they had shared was a part of his past, not his future. And the Doctor, not wanting to lose the tenuous friendship they still maintained, was forced to agree with the other man, even though he hadn't wanted to.

Everything in him had screamed that they were making a mistake, that the two of them belonged together and that they shouldn't let what they had wither and die. His hearts had begged him to ask Jack for another chance, to not turn and walk away.

But he'd ignored what his hearts had tried to tell him; he had smiled and nodded and agreed in a pleasant tone that what they'd had was over, that it had been nice but that it wasn't meant to last forever. And he had watched as Jack had walked away from him.

He should have been angry; he should have railed against Jack and his sluttish ways, told the other man that he wasn't capable of sustaining a real relationship when he could only think with his penis and not with his brain. But he hadn't done any of the things he'd so desperately wanted to do.

Why hadn't he been able to move when Jack had walked away, to say something that would bring the other man back to his side? Instead, he'd merely stood there, watching as the man he loved had moved away, into a future that didn't include him.

That had been the hardest thing he'd ever done, to stand there and watch everything he most cared about in the world walk out of his life. But he'd felt as though he was turned to stone, unable to move or speak, something within him dying and fading away.

The door was firmly closed now. There was a heavy lock on that door; there was no way that lock could be forced open or broken and the past taken up again. Jack wouldn't want that, even if he pretended to for a short while in order to make the Doctor happy.

Oh, that could happen easily enough. He could make Jack feel guilty, play on the other man's sense of fair play. He could have Jack back in his life for a while -- but it wouldn't be for long. And it more than likely wouldn't be on his own terms.

If the two of them tried to start another phase in their relationship, it wouldn't be long before Jack strayed. He was absolutely certain of that; Jack Harkness wasn't capable of being faithful to anyone. He'd found that out soon enough, much to his chagrin.

At first, there had been fights about Jack's infidelities, fights that had always ended in recriminations and anger. That anger still simmered within him; he still couldn't understand why it was so hard for Jack to love one person, why he had to be such a whore.

He would have to accept that Jack would always be a whore if they got back together, and the Doctor knew that he never could. He wanted someone who was as devoted to him as he was to them, not someone who thought that whoring their way through the galaxy was the way to live.

Jack would never find love, not with the kind of attitude he had towards relationships, the Doctor told himself sadly. And it was a shame, because Jack had a good heart; he had so much to offer to the person he decided to settle down with.

But he would never do that. Jack wasn't concerned with emotional ties; he only wanted the pleasure of the moment, not a long and lasting love that would always be there for him. Love didn't matter to Jack, only physical sensations that the person of the moment could give him.

That was why the door to any future for them had to stay closed. He couldn't let himself fall into the trap of loving Jack more than he already did; his hearts were too close to falling into a chasm that, once he let himself spiral downwards into it, he would never be able to climb back out of.

It had been so hard for him to close that door -- but it had to remain closed. If he tried to open it, he would only damage the friendship he now had with Jack, and that friendship was better than being completely shut out of his former lover's life.

He couldn't go back to Cardiff unless he was needed there. He couldn't let himself feel that he was still an integral part of Jack's life. They had gone their separate ways; they were just friends now, and that was how they had to stay. There was no going back.

It was past time for him to close the door into his hearts completely, the Doctor told himself, knowing even as the thought came into his mind that he couldn't do it. He still loved Jack too much; he couldn't shut that love out of his life, or out of his hearts.

He'd never be able to close that door completely, the Doctor told himself, shaking his head. He knew that he should, but it was impossible. He still harbored feelings for Jack that were far too deep and complicated to let that door swing shut all the way.

As much as he might want to close that door, he couldn't bring himself to do it. There was always the hope, however slim, that Jack might change his mind, that he might decide what they shared had been the most precious thing in his life and that he wanted it back.

No, he couldn't close the door. He had to leave it open, just in case. The Doctor sighed, getting up from the couch and heading down the hallway to the control room. He had to get far away from Earth -- before he gave in to the temptation to head for Cardiff in spite of all his good intentions.

***