Title: So Emotional
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: Buffet 1, fc_smorgasbord
Prompt: 59, Emotional
Warning: past non-con.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Brendan Block, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Brendan sighed as he leaned back against the soft cushions of the couch in the Tardis' library, putting down the book he'd been trying to read. After more than half an hour of staring at printed words that didn't make any sense, it was useless to try to concentrate.

He'd been like this for far too long, a little voice in the back of his mind scolded. He had to snap out of it; he wasn't doing either himself or the Doctor any good by letting what the Master had done to both of them keep getting to him. It was going to eat away at him until there was nothing left.

The man he'd been on Earth wouldn't act like this, he told himself, disgusted by his own actions. He would have been strong, not letting anyone see the cracks in the veneer of his confidence. He would have been much better able to hide his innermost feelings, never letting them show.

But the man he'd been on Earth was long gone, and he knew it. He'd changed so much since he'd been with the Doctor, and he was still convinced that each and every one of those changes was for the better. He didn't want to go back to being the man he'd left behind.

That man had been, for all intents and purposes, a cold bastard, someone who couldn't really be trusted. He hadn't particularly wanted to be like that, but the man he'd been was the man circumstances had made him become. His life had turned into what what he was.

Now, he'd had a chance to leave that part of himself behind, and he'd done so gladly. He didn't want to be that cold, calculating person any longer. Fortunately, he hadn't fallen into that side of himself completely, so the Doctor had been able to pull him out the pit that he'd dug himself into.

He was more emotional now that he was with the Time Lord, and he was glad of it. His lover had shown him that letting his emotions show, giving in to them at times, wasn't the horrible thing he'd always been taught that it was when he'd lived his narrow existence on his home planet.

Though he had to admit that there were times, even now, when being emotional wasn't the best thing he could do. He felt that those emotions got in the way of his healing process -- though he was sure that the Doctor would have very different ideas about that.

The Doctor would say that drawing his emotions out was a good thing -- and he wouldn't think that those emotions made Brendan weak. No, he would undoubtedly say that Brendan was a stronger man for having those emotions, and for letting them run free.

But he couldn't help thinking that his lover was wrong, and that he should try to suppress those emotions and turn away from them. They were making him feel as though he was exposed and vulnerable -- even more so than when he'd been naked and at the Master's mercy.

He'd never allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable before; that was another new experience that he'd had since he had been with the Doctor. It wasn't something he'd been comfortable with at first, and he didn't think that he would ever allow himself to be that way with anyone but the Time Lord.

Still, he couldn't deny that he liked himself better when he wasn't trying his best to be hard and cold, doing his best to deny himself any emotional contact. It had worked when he was trying to put up a wall between himself and others -- but it didn't work well at all now.

He had become a different man since he'd been traveling with the Doctor -- and since he'd fallen head over heels in love with the Time Lord. He was more emotional, and he couldn't simply turn those emotions off whenever he felt that he wanted to -- or even that he needed to.

The floodgates had been opened, and they couldn't be closed up again. He'd tried to do that, and he'd failed miserably. He simply had to accept the fact that his emotions had been set free, and learn to live with the man he was now, rather than wishing that he could be someone else.

Was giving in to his emotions really such a bad thing? Brendan sighed, looking up at the ceiling and heaving a sigh. Ir wasn't as though he had much of a choice now, he told himself wryly. He'd opened that Pandora's Box, and he was having a hard time getting it closed again.

No, not just a hard time, he told himself. An impossible time. He should have known that once those emotions had been allowed to run the gamut, once they'd been freed from the darkness he'd kept them confined to for so many years, that they wouldn't simply disappear.

He'd never been the sort of man to embrace his emotions -- unless the emotion that he was allowing to get close to him was anger. There had been many others that he'd indulged in when he was still living his old life, but that particular one had been his most constant companion.

There had been lust, revenge, and other less palatable emotions that had decided to ride upon his shoulders during that time, but anger had been the easiest one to hold on to, and to let sweep over him at any given time. With the Doctor, he was slowly but surely learning to overcome it.

The Master had released that emotion more fully than anyone else ever had. And with it had come others that he'd never known before -- fear, vulnerability, and most of all, concern for another person. He'd never felt that before; he'd never let himself feel it.

He'd not only become hard and cold during those years when he'd felt that he had to fend for him in an unkind world, but he'd pushed any compassion far away from him. It had always seemed like an emotion that would only weaken him when he needed to be strong.

But the fear and concern that he'd felt during the time that he and the Doctor had been imprisoned by the Master hadn't been for himself. It hadn't mattered what the Master had done to him; he knew that he would survive it. No, his fear had been for the Time Lord and what had been done to him.

That was when he had known for certain that his emotions had been freed, and that they could never be held back and kept inside a box again. He still hadn't decided whether feeling that kind of fear and vulnerability had made him stronger -- or if they had weakened him beyond repair.

Sometimes it seemed the former, and sometimes the latter. But he'd have to make up his mind sooner or later whether he was going to see himself as having been weakened by his emotional state, or seeing those emotions as something that made him a better man.

He knew what the Doctor would tell him, without a doubt, Brendan thought with another sigh. His lover would say firmly that without his emotions, he couldn't really consider himself a man at all. He was simply a shell of who he could be, rather than being a complete person.

He didn't want to let his emotions control him; that would lead to nothing but disaster, and he might even get to the point where he would be useless when they encountered the Master again. If he let those emotions take him over, he might end up being controlled by his fear.

That was something he couldn't risk happening, Brendan thought grimly. If that emotion took over, then he would be useless not only to the Doctor, but to himself as well. He had to fight down that paralyzing fear, lock it away and overcome it in every way.

Maybe there were times when his fear would be a good thing; there was something to be said for letting it lead him to caution, rather than jumping head first into situations that he might not be able to get himself out of. But he couldn't let that fear take over, couldn't let it rule him.

Letting his emotional side show was all very well and good, he told himself. He could even agree with the Doctor that it was better to acknowledge those emotions than try to hide them away, as he'd done for so long. But there was a fine line between acknowledgement and control.

Maybe he'd feel better if he talked with the Doctor about this. The Time Lord always seemed to have the best answers -- even if Brendan didn't feel that they were always right for him, talking to his lover always made him feel calmer and more decisive.

Just being around the Doctor calmed him and soothed his soul. He should be with the man he loved right now, in the control room of the Tardis, rather than alone here in the library, struggling to decide which fork in the road ahead was the right one for him to take.

The Doctor could help him decide which of those paths was the one he should tread. In the end, he was the only one who could make that decision -- but the Time Lord could help him see that decision more clearly, without his emotions clouding his perception of what he should do.

Brendan sighed and got to his feet, the forgotten book falling from his lap onto the couch. His footsteps quickened as he left the library and headed towards the control room, not realizing that it was those very emotions he sought to control that were guiding him to where he wanted to be.

***