TITLE: It's All Seeker's Fault
RATING: Well, it might be NC-17: it is , after all, influenced by seeker.
FEEDBACK: jmann@pobox.mondenet.com
DISCLAIMER: Severus Snape and other Potter-characters mentioned belong to J. K. Rowling.
SUMMARY: Read the title...and the pairing.
NOTES: Part of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest: Second Wave {Easy (HA!) Pairings: #9 Lockhart }
ARCHIVING: The Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest; Ink Stained Fingers after Fest concludes. Others, but please ask first; I just want to know where this is going.
DEDICATION: to seeker...who is an evil influence and who revels in it.


"Evening, Sev."

SS looked up from his newspaper. "Evening, Gil."

GL went over to the tea trolley and served himself. "Care for a refill?"

"Thank you. Just a touch of lemon, please."

GL placed the refilled cup onto the table between the two chairs and made himself comfortable in the free one. "Anything interesting going on?" he asked, gesturing to the paper with his teacup.

SS shrugged, substituted the tea for the paper. "Just the usual. Will there be a new Fest once this one is over?" Screams from two voices could be faintly heard. GL looked up to the ceiling as though seeking the source while SS just continued with his summation. "Who will be selected to play Black and Lupin now that the director for GoF has been signed? How slashy is CoS going to be? Will there be a surge of Snape/Lockhart fanfic once the film premieres?"

GL sighed and shook his head sadly. "Frankly, with the state of the world as it is, I would think that there are far more pressing things to deal with before we get to that."

SS snorted. "Come on, Gil. You're among friends. Who wrote that speech for you?"

GL tried hard to look hurt and gave up when he remembered the kicked- puppy look never had any effect on SS.

SS sat back in his chair. "Well, aren't you wondering just how that Branagh fellow is going to play you? I mean, I have to tell you, I was a little surprised to see the one they picked for me. A good twenty years too old." SS shook his head in disgust. "And he played me so much nicer than I really am."

"And so much sexier," put in GL. At SS's growl, he quickly added. "And so is the actor who is doing me. Too old, that is." He personally thought that the sexiness of the man really needing boosting up, but he certainly wasn't going to say it aloud. He wasn't that stupid.

SS had an inkling where GL's thoughts were going and snorted. The man was just so obvious. He decided to find a different topic of discussion. "So, I see from reading the Fest news that someone else has paired us up."

GL shuddered. "All the fault of that seeker fellow. Going around daring people. What can he be thinking of?"

SS winced. "Not as though we do more than tolerate each other at best."

GL nodded so brusquely that his bangs flopped forward. With a toss of his head, he flipped them back. "I do wish they would read the book properly. Just because their hormones are in full bloom..."

"Menopause, my dear Gil. Many of those writing are menopausal."

GL shuddered again. He liked using shudders as responses as he thought the movement made his hair move ever so slightly so that the highlights glimmered just a bit thereby attracting the eyes of those about him. It wasn't a success with SS, but he was so used to doing it that he did so without thinking. Though he always noticed when SS didn't react. "Eeeuuu! Do let's talk about something else, Sev."

SS rolled his eyes. Really, did GL think he was the only one with hair people wrote about in these stories. His own lank locks were the subject of many a passage in a great many submissions. To be fair, Potter's were as well. Mind you, his references were a line, maybe two at best, mostly about the fact that he needed to comb said hair. Not like the paragraphs – and list discussions – that his engendered.

"All right, Gil. Hmmm, have you noticed that there's a web site that is specifically against one of those mentioned to play Black?"

"Not surprised. There was some controversy about who was going to play me."

Not, thought SS as he stood up to refill both their cups. He smiled magnanimously as he handed the other his tea with a drop of milk. With a hand, he pointed to the sweets tray with its scones and pots of clotted cream and strawberry preserves. GL sighed and reluctantly shook his head. He had a figure to maintain. SS fixed himself a plate and took it back to his seat.

GL's eyes sadly followed the piece of scone slathered in clotted cream and dripping with preserves up to SS's mouth. "Who are they mentioning for the parts of Lupin and Black?"

SS settled back and, dragging an ottoman over with a foot, made himself even more comfortable. "That McGregor fellow for Lupin and Christian Bale for Black." And popped another piece of scone into his mouth.

GL stopped his cup at his mouth and looked over it at SS. "Dear heavens! The jedi warrior..."

SS interrupted. "Surely you mean zhedhi...?"

They exchanged looks and snickers.

"That seeker...such an evil lad." GL giggled and then grew serious once more. "Mind you, what kind of training can that provide for the proper portrayal of a sensitive angstsy werewolf?"

"Well," said SS, "you're not going to tell me that tight close-ups and slashy moments with the McConaughey fellow are any better."

GL sat up and faced his fellow wizard. "Excuse me. The Bale boy has Shakespearean training and that thing with the American has luscious dragons in it. And he was all spare and grubby in it as well. Seems to me that he has more than ample experience to play an escapee from Azkaban."

SS shook his head as he sent a pitying look in GL's direction. "Playing a dead body in HENRY V is not what I call Shakespearean training."

GL interrupted. "He had two speaking scenes!"

"Besides," continued SS as though he hadn't been interrupted, "you're only saying that because your counterpart carried the 'boy' at the end of the battle."

"And just what are you implying here?" GL took great offense on behalf of his counterpart.

"Nothing in the least. I am merely pointing out that, compared to those playing us, neither of them seems to have anything theatrically going for him, other than looks."

GL sat back in his chair and took a sip of his now cooled tea. "True," he conceded. "But you must admit that the looks are very important. I mean, you're quite safe. You're in all of the books so far and they'll keep on slashing you with anything that moves."

"And a few that don't," reminded SS glumly.

GL choked on the sip he was taking. Between coughs, he muttered, "Oh, my! Yes, indeed... That broomstick one was ... And the mandrake... Not to mention the hippogriff..."

SS curled his lip and waited until GL had caught his breath. "You as a hairstylist. As a child-like amnesiac. Not to mention a tattoo artist."

GL ignored him. "Yes, well, you're fine. I mean, even if that Rowling woman decides to eliminate you for the good of the plot, you have a hard core set of followers who will just ignore that. But characters like me...well, we depend on the good looks of those in the following spectacles. I for one would much rather be paired off in some future fest with someone who has decent training and who can recite a line or two. I mean, there is nothing more stupefying than a relationship with someone beautiful to look at...," he brought a hand up to smooth his curls, "...no matter how good in the sack...," SS rolled his eyes as he popped the last bit of scone into his mouth, "...but who has absolutely no conversation. I mean, there has to be some intellectual stimulation in a relationship for it to work."

SS growled into his cup, "How would you know?"

But GL heard him. "You know, Sev, just because I take care of the external does not mean that's all there is to me. I do have an inside and I do use it."

SS, thinking back on a certain hot story written by the oft-mentioned seeker, had to agree. It was obvious from the way GL was licking his lips that his thoughts, too, were traveling that path.

Unfortunately, thinking along those lines meant that the special connection these two had to the aforementioned writer went into effect and suddenly, they found themselves tossing teacups to one side...various articles of clothing to the other...and...

Albus Dumbledore looked from behind his paper and sighed. "seeker...stop that, will you? Some of us are trying to have a quiet cuppa."

From somewhere came the sound of a gleeful snicker. "Not me, Alby. I have nothing to do with this. They're just a natural pairing. That's what I keep telling everybody."

After sparing a glance for the two men now fucking away like bunnies over the ottoman, using the rest of the clotted cream as lube, in complete disregard for the rules posted on the inside door of the Teachers' Lounge [#7. No fucking in front of fellow staff members, unless you invite them to join in. #9. Clotted cream is not to be used on anything other than scones.], the Headmaster, moaning, went back to his paper. "I am so...not looking forward to November."


Author's Note: The Christian Bale movie with the dragons and the American fellow is Reign of Fire. The Henry V being discussed is, of course, the Branagh film version. If you don't catch the other references, well, you just haven't been reading all the fest stories, have you now? :-)