Pairing: John Reese/Jordan Hester
Fandom: Person of Interest
Prompt: #455, Hunger
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely John Reese or Jordan Hester, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***John pulled the covers up around himself and Jordan carefully, sliding his arms around the other man and pulling him close. He hadn't expected to be here tonight; he'd been sure that he wouldn't be able to make it, that he'd be too busy with the next number.
Harold had been right about that; the numbers never stopped. Sometimes they would get one before they had wrapped up the last one, and that was horribly frustrating for them both. He hated feeling that he couldn't help everyone whose number came up.
At least he'd been able to help Jordan, he told himself with a smile as he buried his face against the other man's dark hair, inhaling the vaguely strawberry scent of his shampoo. That had been the best thing he'd ever done, meeting Jordan and taking the few steps towards him.
His partner wouldn't see it that way, he thought wryly. In the week since he and Jordan had first been together, Harold had been giving him all kinds of dire warnings about having someone in his life who could, in the right kind of situation, be used against them.
John had noted that Harold's choice of wording had been them, not him. So it was fairly obvious that if Jordan somehow did get thrown into the middle of what they did and got into trouble, Harold wouldn't refuse to help John rescue him.
He prayed that it would never come to that; he didn't want to contemplate the idea of Jordan being harmed in any way because of what he did. His need for this man was too great; an icy fear seeped into his heart at the thought of anything happening to him.
Nothing was going to happen, he told himself, trying to keep his inner voice firm with conviction. He wasn't going to let Jordan be drawn into the world he inhabited when he was working; there had to be a way to keep his relationship with this man in calm waters.
He didn't want to lie to Jordan -- besides, his boyfriend already knew something about what he did, just from the fact that John and Harold had helped him to recover his identity only a few weeks ago. But could it be calling "lying" if all he did was omit certain pertinent details?
There was no way that he could tell Jordan the entire truth, not without pulling his boyfriend completely into the world he inhabited. And he wouldn't do that. Just being with him placed Jordan in enough danger; John wasn't about to make that any worse than it already was.
He should probably take Harold's advice and walk away from this relationship; he should tell Jordan that even though he loved him and wanted to be with him, it was too dangerous for them to be together. It wasn't fair of him to put Jordan in any cross hairs.
But he couldn't do that, and he knew it. His hunger for this man was too great; his need to have Jordan by his side was too strong. He had needed this for far too long; he'd denied himself this kind of love in his life to the point that it was now bursting out on all sides.
Jordan was like a feast that had been spread before him, and he was a starving man sitting down at the table. He couldn't get enough of this man, and it was already far too late to walk away. He'd given not only his body do Jordan, but his heart and his soul, as well.
He didn't want any of them back. He trusted Jordan to keep his heart safe, and he would do the same with his lover's. He might not have known Jordan for long, but he knew the other man's heart. He knew that Jordan wasn't the kind of man who would let him down.
How was it that he could so easily place his trust in Jordan, when it had taken him much more time than this to learn to trust Harold completely, even though Harold so often held his life in his hands? John smiled wryly, knowing the answer before he asked the question.
It was because he was in love with Jordan. This was the kind of love that he hadn't experienced in years, the kind of love that made him feel he could expose himself in every way, his body, heart and soul, and it would all be welcomed and protected.
What he felt for Jordan wasn't just the hunger of desire, or even of need. He hadn't wanted to admit to those deeper feelings at first, but now, it was impossible for him not to. He had to acknowledge that he was in love -- and that he wanted to feel that way.
Maybe it was more dangerous for him; Harold might be right when he cautioned John about those feelings, saying that loving someone made him much more vulnerable, and even more careless. But John didn't agree with him on that point.
Because he loved Jordan so deeply and wanted to make sure that he was safe, he would be even more careful about what he told Jordan, or exposed him to. And he would try even more to keep himself safe, now that he had someone special in his life.
This was one feast that he intended to keep sitting down to for a long time to come, and he wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize his chances of being able to do that. He wanted to be with Jordan for years, for decades. He wanted them to grow old together.
Jordan wasn't the first person he'd felt that way about, of course. But those other relationships were in the past; he couldn't have gone back to them, even if he'd been offered the chance. He was a different person now, and he knew the folly of trying to resurrect what was over and done.
He'd been in love before, but never like this. At the time, when he'd been with other people, he'd thought that each of them was the love of his life and that he couldn't live without them. But every time, he'd been wrong. They'd been taken from him, and he'd survived.
This time, he was absolutely positive that he wouldn't survive losing Jordan. The feelings that he harbored for this man were deeper than any emotion he'd ever felt before; he didn't just love Jordan as he'd loved people in the past. This man was a part of him. Jordan was in his blood.
It didn't mean that he'd loved the people in his past any less; being with them was part of what had made him the person he was, and he didn't discount their importance in his life. A part of him still loved them, and always would. There was no denying that fact.
But Jordan had burrowed deep into his heart and soul; Jordan had entwined with him so completely that there were times when he found it difficult to distinguish where he ended and the other man began. Even when they weren't together, he could feel Jordan beside him.
The hunger that he felt for Jordan went far deeper into his soul than mere desire, or even love. It wasn't just a desire to be with this man; it was a need, a gnawing, aching need that filled every part of him. It was a hunger that came from the most primal part of himself.
John doubted that anyone he knew could understand how he felt; he knew that Harold could be a deeply emotional man, but he didn't believe that Harold knew what it was like to love someone in this way. He didn't believe that the other man knew this kind of hunger.
He doubted that anyone had ever felt so strongly for another person as he felt for Jordan. Maybe that was short-sighted of him, but he didn't care. He was sure that no one else had ever felt this kind of love, this all-consuming hunger for another human being.
Jordan was closer to him than anyone had ever been, even though they'd only known each other a short time -- and admittedly, Jordan didn't know nearly as much about him as he knew about his lover. And for now, things had to stay that way.
He hated keeping Jordan in the dark, but he had no choice. If he wanted to keep the love of his life as safe as he possibly could, he had to keep things from him. Jordan understood that -- well, at least John thought he did. And for now, he wasn't pressing for more.
But there would come a time when he did press, when he would need to know more. And John wasn't sure that he would be able to answer the questions his boyfriend might have. That was a time that he dreaded, and it might not be far away.
For the moment, he didn't want to think about that time. Maybe he would get lucky and it wouldn't come; maybe he would gradually be able to ease Jordan into knowing more about what he did. He could only hope that would be the case.
John closed his eyes, heaving a sigh and snuggling closer to Jordan under the covers. They had this night together, and he shouldn't try to look any further than that. He was sitting down to the feast, and while he was here, he intended to enjoy himself to the fullest in every way.
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