Title: Forbidden Dreams
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Michael Cutter/Ryan O'Halloran
Fandom: Law & Order
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Mentions of rape.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Michael Cutter or Ryan O'Halloran, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***
Michael looked down at the man lying back on the pillows under him, a smile on his face. He had wanted for this to happen for so long -- and now it looked as though his wish was finally coming true. His heart was hammering against his chest, his breath coming in rapid gasps.One hand moved down to curl his fingers around Ryan's cock, stroking him from the base to the tip. Those slender hips flexed, Ryan's body arching up towards his, a soft moan coming from those delectable lips as Mike watched him in fascination.
He was ready to slide into his boyfriend, but he knew that he had to prepare Ryan first; he couldn't simply take his pleasure without adequate foreplay. And besides, he loved watching Ryan's face while he was being pleasured; watching his lover's reactions heightened his own enjoyment.
Slowly, carefully, he moved his hand between Ryan's spread legs, one finger circling his lover's entrance before pushing inside, gasping at the tight heat that surrounded his finger. It didn't seem possible for anyone to be so incredibly tight.
He dimly heard Ryan's soft gasp of pleasure; that sound drew his eyes to his boyfriend's face, expecting that he would see a slight grimace of pain. But instead, all he saw was pleasure written in those gorgeous dark eyes, a look that urged him on to more exploration.
He slipped a second finger slowly inside Ryan, probing gently, hearing another soft gasp and then a moan when those searching digits found Ryan's prostate and stroked. He moved slowly, carefully, not wanting to make his boyfriend come too quickly.
After a few moments of pleasuring Ryan this way, he began to scissor his fingers gently, stretching and opening Ryan, preparing him for what was coming. His own desire was climbing higher, his body taut with anticipation, barely able to hold himself back.
He'd never wanted anything as much as he wanted to be inside Ryan, to make love to him, to join their bodies in the most primal way, Mike told himself. This was what he'd wanted ever since he'd first seen this man, from the first moment their eyes had met.
He was ready for this; he had been ready from their first meeting. But he had to make sure that Ryan was ready as well; he wasn't going to rush or push. Still, it seemed as though Ryan welcomed this, that he wanted it just as much as Michael himself did.
Mike wanted to lose himself in this man, to make love to Ryan until his boyfriend was begging for more, until they were both satiated in every way. He wanted them to be entwined forever, their bodies joined in the most primal of ways, two hearts beating as one ....
Ryan did scream when Mike slid inside him, but the scream wasn't one of pleasure; rather, it was a scream of terror, a scream that made ice form around Mike's heart. His eyes widened, his breath catching in his throat, the movement of his body stilled --
He wakened with a jerk, sitting up in bed and stifling his own scream. His hand flew to his chest, feeling the rapid beat of his heart under his palm, realizing that he had only been dreaming and that Ryan wasn't in any danger, from him or from anyone else.
Michael let his eyes rest on the man beside him; Ryan was still sleeping soundly, lying on his back, his breathing soft and steady. He was surprised that his boyfriend hadn't been awakened, but Ryan had been sleeping heavily the last few nights.
He wasn't surprised by that; Ryan hadn't slept well for several nights in a row, and his body probably needed rest more than usual now because of that. Mike had been doing everything he could to help Ryan relax, to make him feel secure and protected.
The last thing he wanted was for Ryan to ever know that he had dreamed about being the more dominant partner, not after what Ryan had been through. He didn't want to remember the details of that dream, didn't want to remember how it had felt.
But he couldn't shake the memory. The images that his unconscious mind had conjured up came back, crystal-clear, as though they were actual memories of something he had experienced and not just dreams that he had only lived through in his sleep.
He shouldn't be dreaming about things like that; he shouldn't be thinking about taking Ryan, even if it had been consensual in his dreams. He should be holding his boyfriend and comforting him, not letting his unconscious mind lose itself in thoughts of his own pleasure.
Mike ran his hand over his face, wishing that he could wipe all traces of that dream from his mind. He was going to feel guilty for a long time over this; he was sure of it. He felt as though he had somehow taken his relationship with Ryan and twisted it into something he'd never wanted it to become.
That was a ridiculous way to think, wasn't it? Ryan wouldn't expect him to not want them to make love -- but he more than likely wouldn't be comfortable with being the more passive partner, at least not for a long time to come. And Mike didn't blame him for that.
Thanks to what Stuckey had done to Ryan, and the fact that it had finally surfaced in his boyfriend's mind, it could very well be that Mike being the more dominant partner when they made love would be something that he'd have to keep relegated only to his dreams.
His boyfriend had been suffering from terrible nightmares -- not just dreams, but memories of what had been done to him by the same man who'd later tried to take his life. And here he was, having sexual dreams about doing the same thing that Stuckey had done.
A wave of guilt swept over Mike, one so strong that he almost had to clamp his hand over his mouth to keep back a soft sob. No, what he wanted was nothing like what Stuckey had done, he told himself fiercely. He didn't want to hurt Ryan in any way.
Stuckey had wanted to do nothing but hurt Ryan. All Mike wanted to do was to make love to him, to banish those evil memories that Stuckey had left behind, to free Ryan from the nightmares and make him realize that being the more passive partner wasn't something to fear.
That would happen one day, he told himself. He was sure of it. But first, Ryan had to be able to face Stuckey in court, to look into his rapist's face and name him as the man who'd committed the crime. He had to get closure before he could move on.
Dreaming about making love to Ryan wasn't going to help his boyfriend move on with his life, or put the pain of that terrible night from the past behind him. What would help was being sure that Stuckey was prosecuted for the crime to the full extent that the law allowed.
He was already going to spend his life in prison for not only attempting to murder Ryan -- and nearly succeeding -- but also for the attempted murder of a police officer. Though he really didn't think that would have been such a great loss, Mike thought wryly.
If those two so-called officers had been taken at their word, no one would have examined Ryan and found that he was still barely breathing, but alive. They would simply believed those idiots who had said that he looked dead, so he must be dead.
Then Ryan would more than likely have died right there in front of everyone, and Michael would never have met the love of his life. That would have been a horrible fate, for both of them. He could only be grateful that it hadn't happened, and that the two of them had found each other.
He took a deep breath, realizing too late that the sound might wake his slumbering boyfriend. Mike cast a glance towards Ryan, but his lover slept on, only turning towards him slightly in his sleep as though some instinct told him that Mike was wakeful.
There was no way that he was going to be able to prosecute Stuckey himself, not now that he had such a personal involvement with Ryan. But he could get his boss to do it -- and if there was anyone who could bring that bastard to justice, it was Jack McCoy.
Jack was the only person he would trust with this. After all, he wanted someone with experience to go after Stuckey if he couldn't do it himself, someone he knew would be cutthroat and show no mercy. And Jack would be that man, once he knew the score.
Unfortunately, Jack couldn't take away the guilt Michael felt for having such forbidden dreams about Ryan. He'd have to wrestle with himself over that; no one could make those feelings go away unless he told his boyfriend about them and asked for Ryan's forgiveness.
Was there really anything to forgive? he asked himself, sighing again. No one could blame him for wanting to make to love to such a beautiful man. And it wasn't as though those dreams had been violent, causing pain or fear. No, that was the last thing he wanted to do.
He'd have to forgive himself before he could ask Ryan to forgive him, Mike thought ruefully. And knowing how hard he could be on himself when he was feeling guilty over anything he'd done, he might find that doing so would take a very long time.
***