Title: Get Over It
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 11B, Left behind
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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The Doctor moved from one place in the control room to another, disconsolately picking up one object after another, then setting them back down as quickly as he'd touched them. He didn't want to focus on the memories that any of them brought to him.

Everything in this room had some memory attached to it that was connected with Jack. Even the smallest object made him think of his former lover; there wasn't one single thing that he could focus his attention on that wouldn't fill him with a paralyzing loneliness.

Jack had chosen to leave him behind; he had to get past that and manage to look forward, not back. But that was so much more easily said than done, the Doctor thought with a sigh. It was impossible to look ahead when he only wanted things to be as they were before.

There wasn't a moment of the day or night when he didn't miss Jack, not one second when his former lover wasn't on his mind. He had known that he would be lonely when they parted, but he hadn't known that his loneliness would burrow so deeply -- or hurt so badly.

He'd been hurt when other companions had chosen to leave, of course. He'd felt betrayed at times, and abandoned at others; and he had missed all of them. But nothing had compared to how he felt now. No one had ever hurt him like this before.

This was a betrayal that gnawed at his insides; his hearts felt as though they were being crushed all over again when he let his thoughts linger on that last conversation with Jack, when he remembered how the man he loved had looked when he had walked away.

He shouldn't keep focusing on that last sight of Jack, the Doctor told himself, knowing that his own inner admonitions would do him no good. He would keep thinking of those last few moments, of watching Jack leaving him, whether he wanted to or not.

His mind could keep telling him that he had to move forward; he could keep insisting that he would get over this, and he could try to move on with the best of intentions. But the hearts wanted something very different, and he knew that he couldn't deny that desire.

He wanted Jack back in his life, as not only a companion, but as a lover. He wanted that closeness that they had shared; he wanted to feel loved and needed, not tossed aside and left behind as though he didn't matter any more to the man who had once loved him.

That wasn't true, he told himself firmly. He still meant a great deal to Jack; the immortal had told him so when he'd left. He simply felt that he could better benefit the universe by being the leader of Torchwood, by trying to protect Earth in his own way.

Or was it more that Jack wanted to feel that he was in control, that he was calling the shots? The Doctor was fairly sure that was his real reason for leaving; Jack had always been the kind of man who wanted to be the one who everyone else followed and looked up to.

He had simply gotten tired of being the Doctor's companion, that was the long and short of it. He hadn't wanted to content himself with having a good relationship, with being the man who loved and was loved by the Doctor. He had wanted more; he needed power and control to feel secure.

Jack was the kind of man who would always need to be in charge of everything around him -- and with the Doctor, he never would be. He would always have to acknowledge the fact that the Doctor had more experience than he did, and was the leader in any situation.

The Doctor had always known of that fatal flaw in Jack's personality, but he had pushed it aside and hoped that his lover would be able to overcome it. But as time had gone by, it had become more and more clear that he wouldn't, even though the Time Lord hadn't want to admit that fact.

But he'd been forced to look it directly in the face when Jack had left. His lover hadn't tired of him; he had seemed genuinely regretful to sever their personal relationship. He had simply wanted to be in charge of something; and he knew that he would have to leave the Doctor to do so.

Didn't that point to how shallow Jack's feelings for him had been? the Time Lord asked himself for what seemed like the hundredth time. If Jack had truly loved him, then the emotions that they had shared would have, in the end, been more important than power and control.

But Jack had decided that having control over a group of people was more important to him than being loved by one person, the Doctor thought with a sigh. Love didn't play into Jack's ambitions; in the end, it had meant nothing to him.

Jack may have loved him, in a way. The Doctor was sure that he had. But Jack didn't believe in love that lasted forever; for him, love was nothing more than physical sensations that would inevitably pale after he had been with one particular person for a while.

He should never have expected his former lover to be faithful, the Time Lord told himself. Jack wasn't the kind of person who could ever have a real relationship; he would always leave people behind, going on to the next new sensation, the next thrill ride.

It was silly for him to long for something that was firmly and irrevocably in the past. What was more, he shouldn't want Jack to be back in his life again; he knew that the immortal had no sense of decency when it came to relationships, and that he didn't care who he hurt.

He had to remember that. He had to keep it firmly fixed in his mind that their relationship had been doomed from the start, and that Jack wasn't capable of real love. He would have inevitably left at some point; it had just happened sooner rather than later.

But the sense of abandonment, of being left behind in the dust of Jack's haste to find the next new thing that would hold his interest for a while, was still too strong for him to simply get it over. It would be a long, slow process before he was able to do that.

He would get over Jack. There would come a time when he could see his former lover without the pain that he felt now, without the feeling of abandonment sweeping over him. He would someday be at the point when he could look back with a smile of reminiscence.

That time wasn't going to be coming soon, the Doctor thought, closing his eyes and sinking into a chair. He was going to feel this abandonment, this sense of being left behind in Jack's wake, for a very long time to come. And the pain would linger. somewhere in the back of his mind.

His former lover was heading for the future, without a thought for the past or the feelings of the man he had claimed to love. The Doctor wished that he could be so cavalier, so unfeeling, that it was just as easy for him to leave others behind with no regard for them.

No, it would never be easy for him to do that. But that was one of the many things that made him better than Jack Harkness, he told himself firmly, opening his eyes and sitting up. It was a good quality, not a bad one. He would never trample of someone else's feelings.

Jack cared nothing for the pain he caused others; his one objective was to satisfy himself. And once he had accepted that such an attitude was the cornerstone of his former lover's personality, he would be much better off -- and able to look into his own future.

He had to shake off this feeling of being left behind, the Doctor told himself as he got to his feet. Maybe the answer to that was to throw himself into a new situation -- and the sooner he found another new place to explore, the sooner that healing process could begin.

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