Title: Get To You
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: R
Table: 4, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 4, Broken
Author's Note: Continuation of Without Your Love.
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed inwardly as he glanced up from the book he was reading to where Jamie was sitting on the couch, only a few feet away from him. He appeared lost in his book, but the Time Lord could tell that his lover's attention wasn't focused on the page.

Ever since their last encounter with the Master, Jamie had been .... uncommunicative. Though they had talked about what had happened, and the Doctor had assured Jamie that none of it changed his feelings for the other man, their relationship had still undergone a subtle change.

Of course, he wasn't going to try to initiate any kind of intimacy until he knew that Jamie was ready for that. He had held his lover, comforted him, been there when Jamie needed him -- but he'd tried his best not to ask for anything more than that.

It hadn't been easy; he still wanted Jamie desperately, though he felt guilty about that desire. Still, he'd managed to keep himself from being what he would consider overly demanding; he was waiting for Jamie to initiate that sort of contact.

He didn't blame Jamie for their lack of a sex life. He knew exactly what his lover was going through; he himself had suffered similarly at the Master's hands too many times for him to remember them all. It wasn't Jamie's fault for not wanting to be intimate.

But the Doctor couldn't help feeling that something between the two of them had broken, some bond that had previously been there, holding them close to each other, that was now gone. And he wanted that bond back. He wanted to make it stronger than it had been before.

He couldn't bear to feel that Jamie was drifting away from him, not after all that they'd shared since the other man's inception during one of the most terrible times of the Doctor's life. He couldn't lose Jamie, not this way. Not due to someone else's cruelty.

The Master might think that he'd won this round; he might think that he had managed to drive a wedge between the Doctor and his lover. But he wouldn't win, the Time Lord told himself, clenching his fists at his sides. That bastard wouldn't take Jamie away from him.

Taking a deep breath, he considered what he could possibly say to the other man to start some sort of conversation that would lead up to what he wanted to say. But Jamie spoke first, surprising him with the soft words that were uttered.

"What's bothering you, Doctor?" his human clone said softly, closing the book he was reading and fixing the Doctor with his steady gaze. "Don't tell me that it's 'nothing.' I'm a part of you, you know. I can tell when there's something on your mind."

"I-I don't really know how to say it." The Doctor got up from his chair, going to sit on the couch next to his lover. He settled himself comfortably before turning to Jamie, his dark gaze meeting his lover's as he took the other man's hands in his own.

"Just tell me," Jamie said, his gaze not wavering from the Doctor's face. "It has something to do with the fact that we haven't been intimate since ...." His voice trailed off; he had to swallow hard before he could continue. ".... Since the last meeting with the Master."

The Doctor nodded, feeling miserable. He knew that what he had to say might hurt Jamie, but he needed to get the words out; he needed his lover to know how he was feeling. "I want us to be as close as we were before, Jamie. I want to fix what he's broken. And I don't know how."

"Neither do I," Jamie whispered, looking away as tears started to spill down his face. "I don't love you any less, Doctor. And I don't want to be with anyone else, or be anywhere else. But I .... I'm not ready to have the kind of physical relationship that we had before."

"It's not the sex that's important," the Doctor told him, his voice trembling. "It's .... the distance that I feel has sprung up between us. I feel like I'm reaching for you across a chasm that keeps getting wider and wider -- and that soon I won't be able to get over it."

"I'm afraid that you won't want to keep reaching out to me," Jamie whispered, not raising his head, his hands grasping the Doctor's in an almost painful grip. "Something's broken in me, Doctor, and I don't know if either of us can fix it. Or even if it's worth fixing."

"Don't say that." The Doctor pulled Jamie into his arms, holding his lover close and feeling relieved when the other man leaned against him. At least the lack of physical intimacy didn't extend to being held and comforted; Jamie still needed to be in his arms.

"I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone," the Doctor whispered, raising a hand to stroke Jamie's hair. "Don't ever think that you're less than everything to me." He placed a finger under Jamie's chin, making the other man raise his head.

"You mean everything to me, Jamie," the Doctor whispered, tears blurring his vision. "I can't bear to think that there's a barrier between us. I hate to see you like this. I want to fix whatever's broken inside you -- please tell me how to do that. Or how to help you do it."

"I don't know if there is a way," Jamie whispered back, his thin arms sliding around the Doctor's waist. "But I don't want there to be any barriers between us, either. I guess all we can do is to push whatever barriers are there out of the way and not let each other go."

"I'm not going to let you go, no matter what we might face in the future," the Doctor told him, tightening his hold on the other man. "I don't want you to keep feeling that you're broken, Jamie. I want to fix this -- not just fix it, but to make us stronger than we've ever been."

"I want that too," Jamie said, raising a hand to wipe at his tears. "I hate feeling that I'm broken, that I'm no good to you in any way like this. I just wish I knew how to go about fixing what's broken, other than to just .... just be together and trust in each other."

"I think that's all we can do, sweetheart," the Doctor murmured, brushing a gentle kiss across Jamie's mouth. "Whatever we do, we can't let him win. We can't let him come between us. That's the best way for him to break both of us, you know."

Jamie nodded, his brow furrowing in a frown. "I think that may have been his objective all along," he said softly, his voice contemplative. "Not to break me -- but to break you. He has to know that hurting me would be the best way to get to you and break you down."

"He's always known that the best way to get to me is through the people who I most care for," the Time Lord sighed, resting his cheek against Jamie's hair. "And now that he knows about you -- he knows that the best way to break me is by causing you harm."

"I shouldn't be with you," Jamie whispered, his voice trembling again, obviously on the verge of tears. "I can only bring you pain, Doctor. He'll only keep using me to hurt you, now that he can. You're not safe with me here. You should have let her take me."

The Doctor shook his head, pulling Jamie closer against him. "No, love," he said, his tone strong and firm. "No, no, a thousand times no. You belong with me. You always have. There's no way that I'm going to let you go just because the Master thinks that he can force my hand."

"He can't force you into anything if I'm not around," Jamie insisted, shaking his head stubbornly. "You'd be a lot better off if you didn't have me here, Doctor. Then he wouldn't be able to get to you through me. I don't want to be his way of getting to you."

"Shhh," the Doctor told him, placing a finger against his lover's lips. "No more talk about you not being with me. It would hurt me much, much more not to have the love of my life by my side. I'm not giving you up, Jamie. We'll stand together, no matter what might happen."

"I'm sorry that I'm .... so broken," Jamie whispered, leaning his forehead against the Doctor's and closing his eyes. "I won't stay this way, Doctor. I promise you that. We may have to take small steps back to being what we were before -- but we'll get there."

"I know we will, sweetheart." The Doctor placed his hands on either side of Jamie's face, gazing into the other man's eyes. "It might not be easy, but we'll rebuild ourselves. We already have a strong foundation that can't be shaken. And that will never be broken."

Jamie gave him a tremulous smile, moving closer to him and nestling into his arms. As the Doctor wrapped his arms more tightly around his lover, he vowed to himself that he would make those words come true -- no matter how long it took for him to achieve that goal.

***