Title: Good Enough
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2
Prompt: 74, Caring
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed as he leaned back in his chair by the console of the Tardis and studied the ceiling. It had been a while now since he and John had been through their ordeal with John Hart, and the other man seemed to be recovering from it.

But was he? Their intimacy still hadn't returned to the point that they'd been at before, and the Doctor could sense that there was a reluctance in John to talk about it. It was as though he was trying to push the issue aside completely, to put it out of his mind.

The Doctor certainly couldn't blame him for that, he'd been through a terrible experience, and he wasn't going to push the other man into anything that he wasn't ready for. But he still felt that they shuold at least talk about it, so that he could ease any of John's fears.

He might not be able to do that, he thought to himself, sighing again and closing his eyes. He'd never been very good at offering people comfort, after all.

But this wasn't just anyone, that little voice in the back of his mind argued. This was John .... the man who was a part of him, the man he loved with every fiber of his being. Surely he should be able to talk with John, to relate to how he was feeling.

It wasn't as though he himself hadn't been through similar experiences, especially with the Master. That was a battle that would never end; it was still going on, though he'd been lucky enough to be able to avoid the other Time Lord since John had been with him.

Maybe it would be best to try and talk with John, to have them discuss what they'd been through and try to put it behind them once and for all. He could understand his lover's reluctance to talk, but he had to -- or he was going to be dealing with this for much longer than he had to.

The problem was to find a way to bring up the subject, without having John turn away from him or immediately change the subject to something else. He had a habit of doing that, and until now, the Doctor had let him do so, not wanting to force him into talking about the experience.

That state of affairs couldn't go on, the Doctor thought, his resolution firm. John had to deal with what had happened -- both emotionally and physically. He wouldn't be able to move ahead with his life until that happened.

"Doctor."

The Time Lord let out a soft gasp and opened his eyes, sitting bolt upright in his chair and nearly falling backwards when John spoke from just behind him. He was a bit embarrassed at being so startled, clearing his throat as he stood up.

"John .... I .... was just thinking about you," he stammered. That wasn't exactly the best way to start, but the words had come out before he'd had a chance to think about them.

"I know," the other man told him, his voice soft. "I'm a part of you, remember? It's not hard for me to tell when I'm on your mind. I might not have your telepathy, but I can sense when you're thinking about me -- and when you're worried about me, too."

"Then you know that I'm worried now." The Doctor stepped forward, taking John's hands in his own, deciding to take the proverbial bull by the horns and bring up the subject now, before he lost his nerve. "John, we need to talk about what happened."

"I know," John answered, looking down at the floor as though he found it hard to face the Doctor. "I've been thinking about it a lot, Doctor. I want us to be able to get back to what we were before .... but I don't know how to start."

"That's up to both of us," the Doctor said softly, hoping that he was saying the right thing. As much as he desperately wanted their relationship to go back to what it had been, he didn't want to say or do anything that would frighten John and push him away.

"What if I can't?" John's voice was trembling when he spoke; the Doctor could almost feel his fear. "What if it's impossible for me to ever let you ...." His words trailed off, but the Doctor knew exactly what he'd meant.

Those words echoed his own fear -- that John would never be able to let the Doctor make love to him again. It was a possibility that they had to face.

No, the Doctor told himself inwardly. That wasn't going to happen. They would be able to face this together, and work through John's fears. He would be gentle and encouraging, and they would eventually be what they had been before.

After all, it wasn't as though they loved each other any less because of what John Hart had done. In fact, he was sure that he cherished John even more than he had when they'd first been together -- knowing that he could have lost his lover had soldified their bond even further.

The Doctor moved closer to John, wrapping his arms around the other man and pulling him into an embrace. John rested his forehead on the Doctor's shoulder, his arms sliding around the Time Lord's waist; they stood there for what seemed like a long time before John finally spoke.

"I don't know where to start with this, Doctor. I'd suggest going to bed now, but .... there's a part of me that isn't ready for that. It's different when you're just holding me .... but when I feel like you're going to expect more, I-I get scared," he whispered, his voice trembling.

"I'm not going to expect any more than you're ready to give, John," the Doctor answered, feeling tears well up behind his eyes. He blinked them back; no, he wasn't going to cry. That wouldn't do either of them any good.

"But what if you can't help it?" John raised his head, his eyes meeting the Doctor's. "What if you can't hold yourself back?"

"Do you really think I'd do that to you?" The Doctor's voice was reproachful; he shook his head in negation of John's question. "I'm not going to be like that, John. You should know me well enough to know that I'm not ruled by my physical desires."

"I know. I'm sorry," John murmured, his voice barely audible. "I .... I wish this wasn't so hard to get past. It shoudn't be. We've been lovers before -- I know you. I trust you. I shouldn't be this frightened of being intimate."

"Don't be sorry," the Doctor told him, raising a hand to brush the hair back from John's eyes. "I know what you've been through, John. You have my memories -- you know that I've dealt with this myself. Only I didn't have a lover there to help me though it."

John nodded, his dark eyes solemn. "I'm grateful to you for being here, Doctor. If you weren't, I .... I don't know what I would do. Probably just hide myself away and spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want to do that."

"I won't let you," the Doctor whispered, pulling John close and pressing his face against the other man's hair. A wave of guilt swept over him as he thought of how he'd been acting, and all the things he should have done that he hadn't.

He'd been waiting for John to come to him, to tell him what he needed. That wasn't what he should have been doing. John needed a loving, caring partner, someone who could take his hand and lead him into intimacy without demanding too much from him too soon.

He should have realized that sooner, he told himself. He should have known what John needed, instead of waiting for the other man to tell him. After all, they were a part of each other. But at least now he knew what was needed, and what he should do.

The Doctor pulled away slightly, taking John's hand in his own and entwining their fingers together, hoping that the other man would understand his gesture. He was relieved when John squeezed his hand, giving the Doctor a tremulous smile.

"Trust me, sweetheart," he whispered, his eyes meeting John's and holding that dark gaze with his own. "Put yourself in my hands. I promise, you won't regret it."

With those words, he turned and headed towards their bedroom, leading John by the hand. It might not be easy for them to get their relationship back to where it had been, but he was going to try his best. And, with any luck, his best would be more than good enough.

***

Next story in series - To Make You Feel My Love.