Title: Hearts in Hiding
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 13, Hidden
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor clenched his fists in his pockets, watching as Earth grew smaller and smaller on the viewscreen. He had to hold himself back from going to the console, changing the coordinates, and taking the Tardis right back to the planet he'd just left.

It wasn't fair, he told himself for what was probably the thousandth time. It wasn't fair that he had to keep his feelings hidden, that he couldn't say what he most wanted -- and needed -- to get out into the open. It wasn't fair to him, or to Jack.

Why did he always have to cover up his feelings, pretend that they didn't exist? It hadn't been like this when he and Jack had been a couple. Then, he'd been able to let those feelings spill out, to be honest with his lover about everything that he felt.

But now .... things had changed. Jack had chosen Torchwood over him, and he had to accept that choice and keep his own broken, shattered hearts hidden from Jack. He had to pretend that he was all right, that it was easy for them to be nothing more than friends.

How long could he keep up this deception? the Doctor asked himself with a sigh. How many more times could he see Jack without breaking down, without going down on his knees and asking his former lover to come back to him, to give them another chance?

That was why he'd had to leave so abruptly this time around -- and why he wasn't sure of when he'd be back on Earth to see Jack again. He'd promised that he would come back if he was needed, but at the moment, he prayed that it wouldn't be soon.

In his hearts, he knew that it would be -- simply because he couldn't keep away. He hated to think that he was a glutton for punishment, but when it came to Jack, he couldn't make himself wander the galaxy and wonder what his former lover was doing.

Jack never called him back to Earth; he never asked for help, no matter what might be going on inside the Torchwood walls. It was as though he wanted to prove himself in some way, to let everyone know that he didn't need the Doctor's help with anything he might face.

And the Doctor had to admit that Jack's attitude annoyed him. The other man wasn't perfect, and he most definitely wasn't invincible. He could be wrong -- and the Doctor had been there enough times when he had been wrong to recount a lot of stories.

He never did, though. He didn't want Jack's team to lose confidence in him. But at the same time, he hated the fact that everyone seemed to think the other man was some sort of demi-god, simply because some crazy fluke of nature had made him immortal.

Nature? The Doctor wrinkled his nose, shaking his head. No, it hadn't been anything even approaching an occurrence of nature that had made Jack immortal. It had been a horrendous mistake -- and in many ways, that immortality still frightened him.

At least it had kept Jack alive, though. And when they'd met again and discovered their mutual feelings for each other, he'd been more than glad that Jack had been granted such a gift. He'd been positively giddy with the knowledge that he'd never lose this man.

But he had, hadn't he? the Time Lord asked himself with a sigh. He'd lost Jack, in more ways than one. He was sure that the immortal still had strong feelings for him -- but he couldn't be sure at all if those feelings could be spoken of as love.

He'd lost Jack in the most permanent way that he could lose anyone, other than death. He was sure that Jack still cared for him -- but was that caring mellowed, turned from love into mere friendship? Or was the immortal merely hiding his own feelings deep within himself?

If that was the case, then this situation wasn't fair to either Jack or himself. Neither of them should have to keep their innermost feelings hidden; if they wanted to be with each other, then they should be able to declare those feelings to the entire world.

The problem was that he didn't know how Jack felt. Did the immortal truly want to be with him -- or did he mean it when he said that Torchwood needed him more, and that his place was on Earth with them? Had Jack made a mistake -- or had he followed the true dictates of his heart?

The Doctor made his way to one of the chairs in front of the large viewscreen, leaning back and watching the planet he'd so recently been on. He wanted to go back so badly he could almost taste it -- but he wasn't going to. Not unless Jack called him back.

How long would he be able to make himself stay away? How long could he keep his desires hidden, with his need for Jack growing on a daily basis? How long would he stick to that decision not to go back? He had no way of knowing the answers to any of those questions.

If he was honest with himself, he wanted to turn around and go back right now. He wanted to go back to the Hub, to stand face-to-face with Jack, and tell the immortal exactly how he felt. He wanted to pour out his hearts and soul to the man he loved.

And more than anything in the world, he wanted to find out that Jack felt exactly the same way, that he didn't want the two of them to be parted, that he wanted to be with the Doctor forever. He wanted -- no, needed -- to hear those words come from Jack's lips.

But it wasn't going to happen. The Time Lord slumped in the chair, resisting the impulse to bury his face in his hands and sob helplessly. Jack wasn't going to say those words -- especially if he no longer felt them. And there was no way to know if he did.

He couldn't go back and ask that question. If the answer was an unqualified "no," then he knew that he didn't have the emotional strength to smile and walk away from Jack as though that single word wouldn't have torn him apart in every possible way.

If he went back now, then he would break down in front of Jack and throw all of his pride away. He couldn't bring himself to do that; his pride was all that had kept him going ever since the two of them had parted. It was what kept him standing on his own two feet.

There was no way he could go back now, the Doctor told himself fiercely. He had to stick to his guns, even though the last thing he wanted to do was to keep his true feelings hidden away. He couldn't let them show. Not now, and possibly not ever.

Maybe in the future, there would come a time when he could step out from behind the barriers he'd had to put up between himself and the man he loved. Maybe there would be a future for the two of them, when he could tell Jack how he felt without fear of repercussions.

Until then, he would keep his true feelings hidden, the Doctor told himself, getting up slowly and heading for his bedroom. And he would keep the hope alive within him that there would be a day when those feelings in his hearts didn't have to be in hiding any more.

***