Title: Knight in Shining Armor
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2
Prompt: 85, Trust
Warning: ongoing story
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Michael Cutter, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor leaned his elbows on the console of the Tardis, resting his chin in his hands and frowning. He had to talk to Brendan, to bring up a subject that had been bothering him for the past few days. Well, longer than just a few days, if he was honest.

It had worried him ever since the two of them had met and spent their first few hours together. He'd gotten the strange feeling that Brendan wasn't being completely open with him, and that feeling had only grown stronger as time had passed.

He knew that the other man was fond of him -- just as he was of Brendan. But thee was a part of Brendan that held back -- even when they were making love, in as intimate an embrace as they could possibly be in. He always felt that Brendan wasn't completely there.

He'd wanted to ask his lover what was bothering him, and if there was anything he could do to help. But Brendan could be so prickly about personal questions at times that he hadn't known just when to bring it up. It had never seemed like the right moment.

The Doctor sighed, his mind going back over the weeks that Brendan had been with him. His lover had never given him reason to think that there was something odd about their relationship, but he'd been feeling that way more than ever lately in the past few days.

Brendan had seemed nervous, edgy, even snappish some of the time. There had to be something that he needed to talk about, the Doctor reasoned, or he wouldn't be acting that way.

So .... the question was, how did he get Brendan to talk about whatever the problem was? And how did he ask the man who'd become his lover about whatever it was that he was holding back? They certainly couldn't go on in this way forever.

It would probably make their relationship much easier if he could put aside his worries and just enjoy the time he had with Brendan, and be prepared to let go when it came to a natural end. But that was much more easily said than done.

This man had gotten under his skin in the time they'd been together. Brendan had captured a part of him that no one else ever had -- not even Jack. He'd become someone who the Doctor didn't want to let go, someone it would be difficult to give up.

But he still felt as though he didn't understand Brendan -- and there was that small part of him that held back from the other man, too. The part of him that didn't completely put his trust in the man he'd chosen to be with. And that had to stop.

He couldn't continue to be involved with someone so intimately unless he could completely trust them. After all, Brendan was his companion as well as his lover. This was the man who was with him wherever he went, watching his back, sharing his life.

He had to be able to trust Brendan. And if there was the slightest doubt, the smallest feeling that he couldn't, he'd have to let go whether he wanted to or not.

The Doctor gasped when he felt Brendan's arms slide around his waist from beind; he hadn't heard the other man enter the room. It was uncanny how he could manage to be so quiet, and that he was able to walk around the Tardis without making a sound.

Somehow, that only made the Doctor feel more apprehensive. He knew that Brendan couldn't read his thoughts, but it was disconcerting to think that the other man could observe his actions without him even knowing that Brendan was watching.

He pushed those doubts away from his mind; he didn't need to focus on that right now. He needed to talk to Brendan about the trust issues, and hope that his lover would open up to him more than he'd been doing.

The Doctor leaned back into Brendan's embrace, closing his eyes when the other man nibbled at his throat, his lips moving up to the Time Lord's ear. "What are you thinking?" Brendan whispered, his arms tightening around the Doctor. "You look like there's something on your mind."

"There is," the Doctor began, feeling nervous and wondering what to say next. He really didn't know how to start this; he wasn't good at confronting people, at least not about his own personal issues. If only this involved something more concrete than his own emotions ....

But it didn't. This was about his feelings, ephemeral as they were. And he had to talk to Brendan about them, no matter what might happen.

"Brendan, I -- I need to talk to you. About your past. About why you hold yourself back from me. About why you won't tell me more about yourself than little bits and pieces." There. It was out. He could only hope that Brendan wouldn't be offended and demand to be taken back to Earth.

Could he do that, even if Brendan wanted him to? It would be so hard to let this man walk away from him, even though there were some things about his lover that made him feel apprehensive about their relationship. He wasn't ready to give Brendan up.

The other man loosened his grip on the Doctor's waist, backing away from him and shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. When the Doctor turned around to look at him, Brendan was staring down at the floor, his expression blank.

"Well?" He raised his head to look over at the Doctor, his dark eyes questioning, his brows raised. "What do you want to know? You might as well ask point-blank. No sense in hiding your curiosity. I won't hold anything back this time."

The Doctor sighed, leaning against the console and crossing his arms over his chest. "Brendan, I don't want this to be confrontational. I just .... I feel like you're keeping so much of yourself hidden from me. I think I have a right to know about my lover's life."

"You do." Brendan shrugged, looking away from the Time Lord. "But there are things about my past that you might not want to know. Things I'm not exactly proud of."

"I want you to tell me about them," the Doctor said softly, wishing that Brendan would look at him. "I want to know about you, Brendan -- even the things that are less than perfect. I don't need a sanitized version of the man I'm with. I need the real person."

"You wouldn't want to be with me if you knew some of the things that I've done -- and wanted to do," Brendan said, turning his back to the Doctor. "You might as well just take me back to Earth now, because you'll want to before long."

"What?" The Doctor couldn't believe his ears. Surely Brendan couldn't believe that he was such a horrible person. "That's not true, Brendan. Whatever you've done in the past .... that's the past. We can work past that. I just need to know what I'm dealing with."

"Are you sure you'd even want to try?" Brendan swung around to face him, those dark eyes meeting his own. The Doctor was struck by the force of Brendan's personality, just as he'd been the first time they met.

"Of course I would," he said softly, holding out a hand. "I want to trust you, Brendan. I need to. But if I don't know who you are, then I can't. You have to trust me enough to let me in. And you have to trust in what we have."

Brendan hesitated before taking a step towards the Doctor, taking the Time Lord's hand in his own. "Maybe I've never been good at trusting, either," he murmured, looking down at the floor again.

"Then we'll both just have to put aside our fears and learn to trust together," the Doctor said, hoping that his words were true and that they could manage to do that. "Whatever you've done in the past, it can't be so terrible that I'd turn you away."

"Probably not," Brendan admitted, sighing. "But I've been afraid to take that chance. I wouldn't have cared so much if you were anyone else, but I've been terrified of losing you by letting you know that I'm not some white knight in shining armor."

"I don't want a white knight. I want you," the Doctor told him, his voice trembling a little. "Just .... tell me about yourself, Brendan. Tell me everything. And I'll tell you the things I'm not proud of in my past. I'll trust you -- if you'll trust me."

"That trust goes both ways," Brendan said, wrapping an arm around the Doctor's waist. "I know it might be hard to trust me, Doctor -- but I hope you can. I've spent my life learning not to trust, but I'm going to try my hardest to trust you."

"Trust isn't always easy for anyone," the Doctor whispered, holding Brendan's gaze and not looking away. "But we'll manage, Brendan. We already have a foundation to build on. Let's just be sure that we make that foundation strong, and not have any secrets from each other."

Brendan nodded, pulling the Doctor closer to him. The Time Lord leaned against his lover, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Maybe trusting wasn't going to be easy for either of them -- but he was going to do his best to give back as much of that trust as he was given.

***