Title: More Than You Are
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: slash_me_twice
Prompt: 70, Science
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

Jamie sighed as he leaned his head back against the wall of the Tardis, closing his eyes and wishing that he hadn't insisted that they travel into the future. No matter where he looked, he couldn't seem to find the answer to his dilemna -- at least, not the answer he wanted to hear.

He wanted to be told that in time, in the future, there would be some kind of breakthrough that could make him a complete Time Lord. He wanted to know that science would eventually catch up to what he was, and his body could match his brain.

It was disheartening to be told that it could never happen; the Doctor knew some scientists in the future, but they had told him in no uncertain terms that they had no idea of how to make Jamie become what he most wanted to be. It wasn't within the realm of possibility.

They'd tried scientists from other planets, not just Earth; scientists who had actually heard of Gallifrey and knew what a Time Lord was, who might possibly be able to find some way to meld Jamie's human body with Time Lord physiology and help him in his quest.

But they had all shaken their heads in regret, telling him that what he wanted simply couldn't come to pass. He would have to be content with what he was; a hybrid of a human and a Time Lord, something that was completely unique and rare unto itself.

Those same scientists had told him that he should feel gratified to be a creature that had never been seen before, and more than likely never would again, in all the eons that the world would continue to exist long after he was gone. He should feel privileged to be so unique.

No, he didn't feel privileged, Jamie told himself, feeling an unreasoning anger start to rise within him. He felt helpless, and as though he was trapped in a body that he didn't belong in. Why shouldn't science have some answer to his problem? It wasn't fair.

He shouldn't have to spend his life trapped in a body that he didn't feel was where he was supposed to be. Even people who thought they were the wrong gender could correct that problem -- but he had no way to fix what he felt was wrong with him.

Of course, the Doctor didn't think there was anything wrong with him, a voice piped up in the back of his mind. The Time Lord loved him exactly the way that he was; he didn't care that Jamie was in a human body. He would always have the Doctor's love, no matter if he was human or Time Lord.

But he wanted his body to match his mind. He wanted to be a Time Lord. His memories might belong to the Doctor and not be his own technically, but he could remember what it was like to be a Time Lord. And he wanted to have that feeling all the time.

If he never did, at least he would still have the Doctor in his life, Jamie tried to reason with himself. What did being a Time Lord matter, if he had the love of the one Time Lord who really mattered? The Doctor was more important than becoming something that was only a dim memory now.

What if it came down to that? The question broke into Jamie's mind with a ferocity that made his breath catch in his throat, his dark eyes widening as the words barreled into his consciousness. What if he had to choose between what he wanted to be -- and being with the Doctor?

He would choose the Doctor. No matter what happened, no matter what he might be offered in his life, he would always choose the Doctor over anything else, Jamie told himself, his inner voice strong and firm. There was no other choice for him.

What did it matter if he did manage to become a Time Lord, if his body finally matched the mind inside of it -- if the Doctor wasn't there to share that triumph with him? Without the Doctor, his life would always be empty and meaningless, a mere shell of an existence.

Without the Doctor, nothing had any meaning. He wouldn't want to go through life without the man he loved, even if he did achieve his fondest wish and become what he had memories of having been at one time in the past -- but someone else's past.

Did he really want to become a Time Lord for himself -- or was it more because he didn't want to leave the Doctor? Jamie's hand flew to his chest, pressing his palm against his flesh to feel the rapid beating of his heart as a thought heretofore unexpressed occurred to him.

Was it really for himself that he wanted to be a Time Lord -- or was it because he wanted to stand by the Doctor's side for as long as he possibly could? He didn't want to leave his lover alone; he knew how much the Doctor feared being in that state.

He knew from his memories how much the Doctor hated to be alone. Did he want to become a Time Lord so badly simply to be with the Doctor, to never have to leave this man who he loved more than life itself? Was it really for his own peace of mind that he wanted to change himself?

No, it wasn't just for him, Jamie admitted with a sigh. He wanted to be a Time Lord more for the Doctor's sake than for his own. Yes, he wanted to have a more resilient body and a longer life span -- but really, that was more for his lover than for his own personal reasons.

If he had the long life span of a Time Lord, then he would be able to stay with the Doctor through both of their lives. He would never have to leave the other man; even if he should regenerate, or if the Doctor did, they would still be together. They would still have each other.

There was no force in the universe that could make him leave the Doctor, and he knew that his lover felt the same way about him. They would be together for as long as they could be -- and Jamie wanted that time to be longer than the average human life span.

When he was gone, what would life be like for the Doctor? He would have lost the love of his life, the one person who understood him and loved him as no one else ever could. He wouldn't have much of a life after that, and Jamie wanted to spare him the pain of that loss.

He could understand just how the Doctor would feel; he knew the Time Lord's emotions. Those memories that the Doctor had over the centuries were locked inside his mind; some of those emotions had bled through, particularly that fear of being alone.

He wouldn't subject the man he loved to that, not if he could help it. But so far, all of his attempts to find some way that science might have caught up to what he was, even in the far-flung future, had come down to nothing. There was no way to change himself, to make himself better.

But would he really be better? Jamie asked himself, frowning at the thought. Would he really be what the Doctor wanted if he became a Time Lord? Yes, he would be around for a much longer time -- but would the Doctor really want him to change himself so much?

The answer was an emphatic no. He'd known that before he had asked himself the question. The Doctor would love him unconditionally whether he was human or Time Lord, or whatever else he might try to become. The Doctor loved him for what he was now.

It didn't matter what he became at any point in his life, whether he aged and got old and grey and wrinkled, or whether he managed to find some way to become what he wanted to be and was miraculously granted a much longer life. The Doctor would still love him.

That was really all that he needed in his life, wasn't it? The length of his life didn't matter; it was how full that life was that really mattered. And with the Doctor by his side, and that kind of unconditional love in his life, it would not only be full -- it would be overflowing.

That thought brought a smile to Jamie's face, even though he knew that it wouldn't be there for long. As much as he loved the Doctor, and wanted to believe that having the Time Lord's love in his life was enough to make him happy, he knew that he would always long for what he couldn't have.

He would never be satisfied with having a Time Lord mind trapped inside a human body. He would never be able to completely accept the fact that science hadn't caught up to what he was -- at least not enough to help him in his endeavor to be more than what he was.

Jamie sighed and closed his eyes, hearing the Doctor's soft footsteps coming down the corridor that led to the control room. He would have to try to put his worries behind him, to enjoy his time with the Doctor. He could do that; he had to. He didn't want his lover to worry about his state of mind.

He could cover up his feelings, Jamie told himself firmly. For now. But somehow, someday, he would find a way to become more than he was. He had to. Not only for himself -- but for the man he loved. Science would have to catch up to him someday -- and he hoped that day would be soon.

***