Title: Didn't Want To Need You
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 29, Need
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

Had he ever really known what he needed?

The Doctor sighed, leaning back in his chair and looking at the Tardis' viewscreen. There was an entire universe out there, with so much to offer. But how could he know what he should look for when he couldn't make up his mind what he needed the most?

Well, that wasn't entirely true, he thought with another sigh. He knew what he needed, but he didn't want to admit it to himself. That would be admitting that he was weak, that he needed someone to care for him and that he couldn't get by on his own.

He could, of course. He'd done it for years at a time; he hadn't always had companions with him. And even when he had, until the last one, they'd been nothing more than companions -- only friends, never lovers. He never let anyone cross that line, though some had tried to.

He'd always pushed them away, gently but firmly. Any time a companion had intimated that they wanted a more personal relationship with him, something that would cross a boundary from friends to intimacy, he had put a stop to that train of thought as quickly as possible.

There had been one companion who had crossed that line, of course. But he should have expected that right from the start. The man who had obliterated that line between companion and lover was no respecter of boundaries; for him, they didn't exist.

If he could hear the Doctor's thoughts at this moment, he would laugh, shake his head, and say that boundaries were only put up to be knocked down. And he would tilt his head to the side in that winning way of his and ask why anyone would want to box themselves in with boundaries, anyway.

That had been the first time that he'd truly realized what he needed, the Doctor thought, closing his eyes and almost wishing that the memory of his lover's face would go away, wishing that he didn't know those features so well that they were emblazoned in his mind's eye.

Jack would always be there, in the forefront of his mind, that smile and those eyes reminding him of what he'd had and lost. That image would always epitomize everything that he wanted and needed -- and what he could never get back.

He'd tried to assuage his need for Jack in so many different. At first, he'd tried to find other lovers -- but he had never been one to indulge in one-night stands, in any of his different bodies. And even though this body was far more attractive than the rest, he didn't want to use it in that way.

It didn't matter how many other men he had in his body, how many others kissed him and touched him and thrust inside him. None of them would ever measure up to Jack; none of them would ever be able to give him what he needed.

It hadn't taken him long to realize that looking for another lover wasn't the way to push Jack out of his mind. Their shortcomings only made him yearn for Jack all the more, realizing just what he was missing. No one else could be Jack Harkness.

He shouldn't be so focused on Jack, the Doctor told himself, staring at the screen but not really seeing it. Instead, his mind was going back to all the emotions he'd shared with Jack -- emotions that were flooding over him again, along with the memories.

Jack had been everything that he'd wanted, everything that he'd needed. He hadn't thought that he needed a lover in his life until the first time Jack had kissed him; at that moment, everything that he'd been missing had been brought home to him.

In that moment, he'd given Jack his hearts and soul. He'd heard that little voice in the back of his mind piping up to tell him that he was making a mistake, but he'd pushed it down ruthlessly, refusing to listen to it. He didn't want to hear that kind of caution.

And for a while, he'd been happy. He'd had the man he loved by his side; he'd spent every night (and a good part of his days, as well) in Jack's arms. He had not only a companion, but a lover and a best friend. His life had seemed, for that brief period of time, perfect.

But he should have known that couldn't last, that it would all go horribly wrong at some point. He couldn't have said exactly when it had started to happen, but little by little, the foundation of what he shared with Jack had started to crumble.

Maybe that foundation had failed because it hadn't been built on solid ground. He had known that he loved Jack; he hadn't said the words until that first kiss, but the emotions had been there even if he hadn't uttered those three little words aloud.

Whatever had caused them to grow further apart, he hadn't realized what was happening until it was too late. By that time, Jack had seemed too far away to reach; a gaping chasm had separated them, one that he didn't know how to jump across.

Even if he'd been able to do so, his pride wouldn't have let him. That stiff-necked pride that had made him stand there and watch as the man he loved had walked away from him, his hands clenched at his sides, refusing to let Jack see how he really felt.

Ever since that day, there had been a gaping hole in his life, one that he'd never managed to fill. He'd tried to assuage that gnawing need with other people, and then with careening around the universe without any sort of purpose.

But nothing he'd tried to do had worked. He still needed Jack; he would never admit it to his former lover, of course, but that need only grew more and more pressing with each day that passed. He was sure that the need would always be there, waiting to overwhelm him.

It would follow him throughout his life, no matter what body he was in, what he was doing, where he was, who he might happen to be with. That need for Jack would always live inside him, never changing, only growing stronger as time went by.

He was sure of that, more so than he had ever been sure of anything in his entire life. Jack had taken up residence in his hearts and souls, and it would be impossible to oust him from that position. And the truth was, he didn't want to.

If Jack was no longer the man he needed, then he would be back to wandering the universe alone, not knowing what he needed. He'd assuaged that need once -- and it wouldn't be possible to do it again, now that he'd known what complete fulfillment was.

When they had started, he hadn't wanted to need Jack. He'd wanted this man to be like any other lover he'd ever had, someone who was a part of him for a while, but who eventually faded into the background. Someone who could only fulfill that aching need for a little while.

The Doctor leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn't wanted to have this kind of need, but he did. And he always would. There was no escaping that fact. Ironic that the one thing it would take to assuage that need was the one thing he could never have again.

Oh yes, he knew what he needed. But that knowledge had come far, far too late.

***