Title: Never Get Over You
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: DIY, 30_forbidden
Prompt: 23, Numb
Author's Note: Songfic, based on "I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me" by Expose.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

I hear you're taking the town again
Having a good time with all your good-time friends
I don't think that you think of me
You're on your own now
And I'm alone and free

The Doctor slumped back in his chair in front of the Tardis' large viewscreen, not really seeing the view in front of him. He hadn't been looking at the screen; rather, he'd been searching his soul, keeping a mental picture of Jack in front of his mind's eye as he did so.

He was sure that Jack wasn't sitting around thinking of him. No, the immortal would be walking around the streets of Cardiff, probably having fun with his friends. He wouldn't be thinking of the lover he had left behind, the man he had turned away from without a backward glance.

Jack wasn't the kind of man who looked back on a lost relationship; he chalked them up to experience, and went on to the next. He was like a hummingbird, sucking the nectar from any flower that took his fancy, and then flitting to the next, without a thought for what he left behind.

His former lover was on his own now, as he'd always wanted to be. The Doctor had no illusions about Jack; the immortal treasured his freedom, and he wasn't going to give that up, not even for love. In the end, he'd been more enamored of that freedom than he'd been of the Time Lord.

And now he himself was free, to find another companion, another lover, to arrange his life in any way he pleased, the Doctor thought morosely. The only problem was that he didn't want to be free. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be with Jack.

I know that I should get on with my life
But a life lived without you could never be right

How many times had he told himself that it was foolish for him to feel this way? He couldn't spend all of his life mourning for a relationship that had run its course. Yes, he was still in love -- but Jack had chosen to walk away, to end things between them, and he had to respect that choice.

He had no right to try to force Jack into being with him; he'd known that from the beginning, and that was why he hadn't tried to hold his lover back from leaving. If that was what Jack wanted, then he loved the other man enough to let him do what would make him happy.

If Jack wasn't happy with him, then there was no reason for him to stay. Because if he wasn't happy, then he would eventually start to cheat, and the Doctor knew that he couldn't bear that. Much easier to let Jack walk away than to witness him being unfaithful.

Besides, he had no wish to be the cause of his lover's unhappiness. He would rather let Jack go and condemn himself to a lifetime of misery without the man he loved than to live every day knowing that Jack wasn't happy with him, and was merely staying to make him happy.

As long as the stars shine down from the heavens,
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

He could wait a lifetime for Jack to come back to him, but he knew that it wouldn't happen. Once Jack made up his mind about something, it rarely ever changed -- and Jack already knew what life with him was like. It was a life that the immortal had decided he didn't want.

The Doctor sighed softly, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. As long as the stars were in the sky, as long as he could look at the viewscreen and see them in the galaxy, he would never get over Jack. His love was as constant as those stars, as everlasting and as unchanging.

But that wasn't quite true, was it? he thought with another sigh, a heavier one this time. The stars did change, even though they might look as though they didn't. Everything changed; it was the way of the world. It was only his hearts that didn't change.

He would always love Jack. There was no help for that, no way that he could force himself to stop loving the man who had captured his hearts. He would never get over Jack -- nor get over the fact that Jack had seemed to get over him in such a short time.

I try to smile so the hurt won't show
Tell everybody that I was glad to see you go

He faced everyone he met with a smile, not letting anyone see the despair that was slowly overtaking him. He didn't want anyone to think that he was pining for Jack, particularly not those who had known the two of them as a couple -- or at least as companions.

How embarrassing would it be to admit to those people that Jack had left him? Yet the embarrassment didn't seem to matter; it was the fact that he would see pity in those people's eyes, written on their faces, that kept him from letting them see how devastated he was.

He had even told people that it was best for himself and Jack to part -- that they had been getting too close, and that it was never a good idea for him to take a companion as a lover. That was true, of course -- but he hadn't known just how bad an idea it was until now.

It had seemed like a good idea at the time -- after all, they had been so attracted to each other, and neither one of them had wanted to hide that fact. The Doctor had been sure that this was finally the companion who would stay with him always -- the only one who would be able to do so.

But in the end, the one person who could have stayed with him forever -- the only immortal he'd ever known -- had turned his back and walked away, and taken all of the Doctor's hopes and dreams for a future with someone he loved along with him.

But the tears just won't go away
Loneliness found me
Looks like it's here to stay

He had spent so many nights crushing tears into his pillow, which was ridiculous, wasn't it? He was a grown man; there was no need for him to cry for a lost lover. He had let Jack go, hadn't tried to make him stay, hadn't tried to talk him into still being here.

If he didn't have the backbone to fight for what he wanted to keep, then he deserved to lose the man he loved, the Time Lord told himself fiercely. Even now, he was blinking back tears, wishing that they wouldn't come to the surface so damned easily.

He'd never been given to crying; he wasn't one to show his emotions that easily. But when he had watched Jack walking away him, knowing that the man he loved would never return, it had opened the floodgates of his hearts, and the tears had come all the more quickly.

Loneliness had sought him out once again, that one companion who he'd never wanted to have. It seemed that one was the only one he would know for quite a long time into the future, he thought wryly. Loneliness seemed to be his only constant companion, the one who never left.

Jack had banished that loneliness for a short time, but now it was back again with a vengeance, coiling around his hearts and soul as though it was asserting its dominance over him, letting him know that it was here to stay -- and that he would never be able to get rid of it for good.

I know that I ought to find someone new
But all I find is myself always thinking of you

He really should look for a new companion, the Time Lord told himself, heaving another sigh. But he didn't particularly feel like doing so; another companion would only end up like all the others, eventually choosing to leave him. So what was the point?

Maybe he was destined for this all-encompassing loneliness, only fit for having small bits of happiness come his way now and then. But even as the thought went through his mind, he knew that wasn't true. People made their own happiness; it wasn't handed to them on a silver platter.

When Jack had been here with him, he'd been happier than he had ever dreamed he could be. But that was when he had thought their relationship would work, when he'd thought that he would have a companion who would stay with him forever and a day.

Now that Jack had gone, he was numb, uncaring, unable to convince himself that each day mattered any more than the last one had. All he did was travel through time and space aimlessly, thinking of Jack and wishing that he was here. Wishing that their lives had worked out differently.

He couldn't go on like this; he knew that very well. Sooner or later, he would have to snap out of this lethargy that enveloped him; he would have to shake off this numbness, let himself feel again. But he wasn't ready for that yet. It wasn't time to let go, to stop thinking about Jack.

No matter what I do,
Each night's a lifetime to live through
I can't go on like this
I need your touch
You're the only one I've ever loved

The nights were the worst times, he told himself bleakly. There had been so many nights when he and Jack had made love, when the other man had whispered words of love -- words that he had believed, words that he'd mistakenly thought meant that they would always be together.

Each night now was like an entire lifetime, the minutes passing as slowly as hours. He had never needed much sleep, thanks to his Gallifreyan physiology, but now, even a few hours of sleep eluded him. The only time he could rest was when he was completely exhausted.

And even then, thoughts of Jack crept into his dreams, thougthts that had him awakening with tears on his face. When that happened, he could never go back to sleep; he was reduced to wandering the Tardis, thinking of Jack and wondering what his former lover was doing.

He needed Jack here with him, before he went insane. Needed his kiss, his touch, his presence. He needed to know that Jack hadn't left because of something he had said or done, that there was still some kind of love between them that wouldn't die away.

Jack was the only person he had ever loved in this way, the only one who could make him suffer this much -- and the only one who could set his world to rights again. He couldn't go on like this; he had to see Jack again, to talk to him, to be near him.

But that was impossible, he told himself, holding back the sob that rose to his lips. Jack had chosen to walk away. He'd ended what was between them; there was no way to get it back again.

And as long as the stars shine down from the heavens,
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

He would never get over Jack Harkness. Never. The Doctor raised his head, staring at the stars on the viewscreen, wishing that Jack were here beside him, seeing those same stars, rather than back on Earth, working with Torchwood, leading his own life in Cardiff.

It was time for him to admit once and for all that he needed to stop holding on to the hope that Jack might someday decide to come back to him. That wasn't going to happen. They were over and done with; there was no going back to what they had been.

He might someday be able to put this heartache behind him, to think of Jack without the stab of pain in his hearts. But he would never be able to get over the fact that Jack had apparently gotten over him so completely. That was what hurt the most.

Sighing, the Time Lord got to his feet, moving to the console of his ship and looking down at it. Pushing all thoughts of Jack out of his mind, he pressed a few buttons, setting a course for a pleasure planet that he hadn't been to in a while. Maybe a sojourn there would help him forget -- at least for a while.

***