Title: No Expectations
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 100moods
Prompt: 59, Listless
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor slumped against the console of the Tardis, his chin in his hand, his gaze roaming around the control room. He didn't particularly feel like doing anything, and his perusal of the room showed him that there was nothing requiring his immediate attention.

It had been a long time since he'd felt this listless and uninspired, he told himself with an inwards sigh. Why was he feeling like this, especially now? It had been a long time since Jack had left; he should be used to being without a companion at this stage.

And, truth be told, he didn't particularly want another companion at the moment. He was tired of the women who would fawn over him and literally try to chase him all over the Tardis in futile attempts to get into his bed. No more like that would ever set foot in his ship.

And of course, he couldn't replace Jack. He wasn't even going to try that. There would be other lovers in his future; he was absolutely positive that eventually, he would meet someone who he'd be attracted to enough to take them into his bed and his life.

Maybe he would even be able to take another person into his hearts in the same capacity that Jack had once filled. But there would never be another Jack Harkness in his life. There was only room in his hearts for one of the immortal.

Really, every person who had passed through his life -- at least, the ones he had cared about -- had their own special niche in his hearts. But Jack had been more special than most; he had been the one and only companion who'd also been the Doctor's lover.

But he couldn't focus on Jack all the time, the Doctor told himself firmly. Their relationship was in the past, and dwelling on it would only make him miserable. How many times had he told himself that since Jack had left? Too many times for him to remember.

He had to do something to combat the listlessness that seemed to be taking him over; he couldn't simply sit around the Tardis and do nothing. There was an entire universe out there just waiting for him, with places he hadn't seen and things he hadn't done yet.

Why was it so hard lately to make himself go to a new planet and discover its dangers and wonders? Maybe it was just because he was alone, and he'd always been used to exploring new places with some companionship, someone by his side, someone who could watch his back.

Not that some of his companions had been very good at that -- especially the ones he'd had in this body, he thought, wincing at the memory. No, there had been far too many who were stupid enough to blunder right into danger, not caring what he might have to sacrifice to get them out of it.

But then, that had been his own fault, for choosing companions to be with him who didn't have much good sense. And for letting people stay with him after they'd proven themselves to be childish, selfish, and altogether unsuited to be here on the Tardis.

Thank goodness, they were in the past -- and he was going to be much more careful with his choices of companions in the future. He'd promised himself that when Jack had left; as much as he wanted another companion, he wasn't simply going to jump into that choice.

What would he do when he found a new companion? the Doctor wondered. Would having someone with him again be enough to pull him out of the state of doldrums he had fallen into? He could only hope so; he didn't much like himself when he was in this listless mood.

And if he didn't like it, he was sure that others wouldn't, either. This was no way to go about getting his life in order, whether he was companionless at the moment or not. It shouldn't matter, really; he'd been without a companion for long periods of time before.

Though his loneliness had never seemed to eat away at him before as it did now, he reflected with yet another sigh, this one actually audible. He'd never felt his loneliness so acutely as he had since Jack had left him, leaving a gaping hole in his life.

Not only had the loss of his companion and lover left a hole in his life, but it had seemed to leave a chasm in his hearts, as well. He'd been unable to get the slightest bit interested in finding another companion, or even to care if he had anyone to accompany him on his travels.

That would never do, the Doctor admonished himself. Why should he be feeling so listless? He was free to do as he chose; he could look for another companion, or he could enjoy being on his own and having the freedom that so many people seemed to seek.

Freedom wasn't what he wanted, though, he thought, slumping against the console again and feeling disconsolate. He wanted to have someone here with him, even if it was just in the role of a companion. A person to share his life with, to have adventuries with, to laugh with.

And someone to help him stave off the loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole. It didn't matter if they shared his bed or not; in fact, he'd probably prefer it if they didn't, and they were just here in the role of a companion and friend, with no expectations on his part.

Of course, they might be like the first companions he'd had since he had been lucky enough to be granted this body, and expect more from him. Those had been situations that he'd been glad to get out of, even though he'd been fond of those companions in a friendly way.

Nothing more than that. Only friends -- as all of his companions other than Jack had been. One of them he'd known was a child, and he'd been utterly repulsed by her insistence that she wanted something more than friendship from him. He wasn't a cradle-robber, for goodness' sake!

Really, if he was honest with himself, he wanted to have Jack in his life again. But Jack had made his choice, and the Doctor was going to honor that decision. He wasn't going to go to Cardiff to see Jack again and try to convince his former lover to come back to him.

But it was so hard to keep himself from doing just that. There were times when he wanted Jack by his side so badly that he could close his eyes and almost feel the other man there -- before he had to bring himself back to the stark reality of being alone.

The nights were the worst, the Doctor thought, yet another sigh escaping his lips without him realizing it. The long, cold nights that he spent tossing and turning, unable to sleep without the comfort of having the man he loved in bed beside him.

There was no use thinking about Jack now, the Doctor told himself, pushing the depressing thoughts away and slamming an inner door on them. He had to pull himself out of this listless mood, before he sank into it so deeply that he might never get out again.

Looking down at the console, he let his gaze drift over the readouts, then made a quick deicsion about where to go next. His hearts gave a sudden leap, his spirits rising as he punched the coordinates in and turned his thoughts to what he might find on the next planet he found himself visiting.

***