Title: No Memories Hanging Around
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, fanfic50
Prompt: 39, Remember
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

So many memories. Memories that weren't his own.

Well, they were, in a way, Jamie told himself, closing his eyes and resting his head against the soft cushions of the library couch. They were his memories -- but he hadn't actually experienced them. They belonged to the Doctor. They were Time Lord memories, not human ones.

Those memories were so clear in his mind; if he closed his eyes and concentrated, he could remember exactly what it had felt like to be in those places at those times. But he hadn't been there. His memories were filtered through the consciousness of another.

Did the Doctor mind that his memories were shared in such an intimate way? Jamie couldn't help but wonder about that; the Time Lord had never said that Jamie having his memories bothered him, but what if it did? He must feel odd, sharing his past so closely with someone else.

There was no way that Jamie could simply put those memories aside; they were a part of him, even if he hadn't been the one to actually live through them. He felt as though he had, and that was part of what forged his unbreakable bond with the Doctor.

If he didn't have those memories any more, if he couldn't remember at least bits and pieces of their shared past, scenes from the Doctor's life before he himself had come into being, what would that do to the two of them? Would it manage to drive them apart, to sever their bond?

Jamie closed his eyes tightly, pushing that thought as far away from him as possible and slamming a mental door on it. Nothing was going to take him away from the Doctor; the Time Lord had told him that many times, and Jamie trusted his lover.

The Doctor wouldn't lie to him -- and Jamie knew that he couldn't lie to the man he loved. Their bond was too close for that; they were so much alike that either of them would know if the other was holding anything back. The Doctor had proved that in the time they'd been together.

He always seemed to know when Jamie was bothered or worried; somehow, the Time Lord could tell when there was something wrong. Jamie had long since learned that he couldn't hide any kind of emotional disturbance from someone who knew him so well.

And he didn't want to. Not really. He wanted to be an open book to the Doctor in every way, to let this man know everything there was to know about him. They were so much alike, but it was important to him that they were also aware of their intrinsic differences.

Their differences at this point extended beyond the fact that the Doctor was a Time Lord and he was human, Jamie thought with a sigh. He was growing and developing, learning what his place was in the world, and discovering who he was apart from the Doctor.

He had thought at first that he didn't have a life aside from this man, but the Doctor had proven him wrong. He had encouraged Jamie to explore his own desires, to find out what he wanted to achieve in his human life. But he always came back to the same thing in the end.

He wanted to be a Time Lord, not a human. He wanted to share in those memories that stayed in his mind all the time; he wanted to feel that he wasn't just a human remnant of the Doctor, but fully part of the other man, capable of doing all that the Doctor could do.

Jamie knew that if the Doctor could make him a full-fledged Time Lord, he would do so. He hated to keep going over the same thing in his mind; he knew that his own feelings about the subject made the Doctor feel inadequate, as though he wasn't making Jamie happy.

Nothing could be further from the truth, he told himself, sighing aloud. He was happy being with the Doctor, traveling with him, being his companion, loving him. No one could ask for a better life than the one he led -- even with the danger that they sometimes faced.

If only he didn't have these memories hanging around! They refused to let him go; it was so hard to go about trying to make memories of his own, memories that belonged to him alone, when all of these older ones from the Doctor's life came crowding into his consciousness.

He didn't want those memories to go away completely; they were part of what tied him to the Doctor, part of what made him feel that he was such a large part of the Time Lord's life. No, what he really wanted was for those memories to be his own.

He wasn't jealous of the Doctor's abilities as a Time Lord. He wouldn't want to have the weight of all that responsibility for the universe in general on his shoulders; there were times when he didn't know how the Doctor could cope with it. Jamie was sure that he wouldn't be able to.

What he wanted was to take part of that responsibility from the Doctor, to shift that burden from those slender shoulders onto his own. He wanted to be able to carry part of the load for his lover, to help the Doctor through whatever might lay ahead in every way possible.

And he couldn't do that if he was stuck in a fragile human body, with only his Time Lord memories to tell him what every day was like for the Doctor. He couldn't do all that he wanted to do, help the man he loved as much as he wanted to, and be worthy of the love that the Doctor gave him.

He wanted to remember what it felt like to be a Time Lord -- so he could feel more worthy of the man he was in love with, and so he could be of more use to the Doctor. But it seemed that some of those far-off memories seemed to grow dimmer with each passing day.

Jamie grasped for those memories, at the same time that he wanted to push them away from him and hide them somewhere in the mists of his subconscious mind. He wanted them to come forward, but at the same time, they were too painful to deal with.

Those memories reminded him of what he could have been, if a capricious fate hadn't chosen to make him a human when the Doctor had turned that regenerative energy into his severed hand. If only fate had been kinder, and decided to make him more than what he was!

But it hadn't -- and he had to learn to live with that, no matter how hard it was to do. He couldn't put into words how much he wanted to be a Time Lord; he could remember what it was like, so much so that he almost as though he was what he wanted to be, at times.

Was it better for those memories to stay with him, to be as acute and clear as they usually were, or for them to fade into the background? Because he might as well face it, Jamie thought with another heavy sigh. He was never going to be what he wanted to be.

He would never be a Time Lord. He might have the brain of a Time Lord, and the memories of being one, but the truth was, he had never been a Time Lord. The memories he had inside his head were borrowed, taken from someone else who was a part of him.

He would have to live vicariously through the Doctor, in some ways. He could take part in whatever his lover did from now until the very last moment they were together -- but he could never be what the Doctor was. He could never have his dream come true.

It was probably indeed better for those memories to fade away into an indistinct background, to not hang around any longer than they had to. They would only hurt him, and make him feel inadequate. They would only make him see his own shortcomings all the more acutely.

Jamie sat up straighter on the couch, trying to look at the bright side of things. He might not be a Time Lord, but he was the person who the Doctor was in love with. And what did anything else matter, as long as he had the love of an extraordinary man who he loved just as much?

He didn't have to be a Time Lord. He would probably always want that, but the Doctor loved him exactly the way he was -- with his human frailties, short life span, and all that it entailed. The Doctor wouldn't want him to change in any way.

He'd have to learn to be happy with that, Jamie told himself firmly. Those memories might hang around for a long time, and he would live with them. But he wasn't going to let them eat away at him and make him feel inadequate any longer.

They would make their own memories to replace the ones that were hanging around in his mind, Jamie thought, his lips curving into a smile. Together, he and the Doctor would create enough memories to last his entire lifetime -- and far beyond, into a future that stretched out until the end of time.

***