Title: Only A Body
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: Epsilon, challenge_the
Prompt: 49, Sacrifice
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

It was only a body, the Doctor told himself firmly, gasping for breath. Only a body.

But it was a body that he didn't want to give up, a body he loved. He had never regenerated into another body that he'd enjoyed as much as he had this one; he didn't want to lose it. Not only was it attractive, but it was more malleable and easier to be in than any other had been.

This body was the first one that he'd had where he really felt at home. It was as though he'd finally found the perfect fit, and now, it could be taken from him. He wasn't entirely sure that he would regenerate, but it seemed to be a distinct possibility.

He didn't feel the familiar tingling, so that was a good sign. But there was something ominous about the way he did feel, dizzy and disoriented, and not in a way that merely meant he'd been drugged. It was far different from that; the feeling more deep-rooted, more .... organic.

He hoped that he was wrong; more than anything, he wanted to keep this body. He hoped that the feeling he had deep in his bones was just discomfort, and not the sign of a close regeneration. But there would be no way to know until he'd felt this way for a few hours.

If the feeling began to gradually go away, then he would know that he was safe. If only there was some way to stop the regenerations when he had found a body that he liked being in, one that felt completely comfortable to him! But unfortunately, that had never been possible, and never would be.

The Doctor stretched out on his bed, closing his eyes and heaving a sigh. At the moment, the world felt as though it was spinning much faster than usual; he could almost feel each revolution as it turned, faster and faster, until he couldn't manage to keep up with it ....

He clenched his fists, taking a deep breath. He wasn't going to simply lie here and let himself regenerate, not if he could help it; he would fight this with everything in him, down until his last breath. He wouldn't accept a new regeneration unless he knew that it was absolutely necessary to keep him alive.

But at the moment, there didn't seem to be anything to fight other than a feeling of disorientation. The Doctor took one deep breath, then another. The feeling was passing fairly quickly now; there was still none of the tingling sensation that he knew heralded a regeneration.

Maybe he was safe. He would be able to keep this body for a while longer -- and he intended to try to keep it that way. He didn't want to lose this body; it had already served him well, and he'd grown very fond of it. He wasn't willing to give it up, not for a very long time to come.

Still, it was only a body, wasn't it? It wasn't as though he couldn't have several more before the time came for him to lay down his burdens for the rest of eternity. But he couldn't allow that to happen too soon -- and he wasn't completely sure that it would.

He had always thought that he would only have thirteen regenerations -- but as time had gone on, and he had done more research into the history of the Time Lords, he had heard tales and rumors that a Time Lord was immortal. He might never die. He might outlive time itself.

What might he have to sacrifice to live that long? The Doctor sighed soflty, shaking his head and wishing that he didn't have to make any more sacrifices. He'd already done enough of that over the course of his long life; surely he wouldn't be expected to give up anything -- or anyone -- else.

What had hurt the most was letting Jack Harkness walk away, giving up the one man who could be with him forever, the one person who he'd always thought would never forsake him. He had deluded himself with that idea; but that delusion had been his own fault.

He had let himself be lulled into complacency in his relationship with Jack; he'd let himself believe that Jack could be happy with him, traveling the stars and seeing what they could see. He hadn't thought for a moment that it wouldn't be enough for his erstwhile lover.

But it hadn't been -- and he'd been forced to make a sacrifice that he had never thought he'd be faced with. He'd had to watch Jack walk away from him without a backward glance; he hadn't been able to bring himself to try to stop the man he loved from walking out of his life.

That had been the worst thing that had ever happened to him, out of every experience in his long life. Nothing had ever hurt so much -- and nothing had ever felt as though it was ripping his hearts out of his body so much as watching Jack leave had felt.

Giving up the man he loved had been the ultimate sacrifice, even more than giving up this body that he loved. But still .... losing this body would be a horrible sacrifice to make, the Doctor thought as he ran his hands down his sides, pausing as his palms slid over his narrow hips.

He wanted to keep this body for as long as possible -- not just for himself, because he loved it, but because Jack had always loved it. Or at least, he'd said that he did. The Doctor couldn't help feeling that those words had been the absolute truth.

If he kept this body, and if there was any chance that Jack could come back to him, he could greet the man he loved with the body that they both loved. He wouldn't have to expect Jack to get used to being with him in another body -- and with a different personality, as well.

Jack more than likely would not react well to that -- and he didn't want to know what might happen if he had a different body when and if they were ever reunited. Even if they were only friends, Jack might recoil from a new body. There was a very good chance that he would.

And if they were reunited as lovers -- then there was even more of a chance that Jack wouldn't want him if he had regenerated. He didn't want to risk that happening; the last thing he wanted was to lose any chance that he might have for Jack to be in his life again.

A body that Jack couldn't love would remove all chances of the two of them ever being together as lovers again. That might be a selfish reason for him to want to keep this body, but there it was. He wanted this body to stay with him largely because Jack found it attractive.

If he was honest with himself, so did he. This was the one body he'd ever had that he looked at as being more than serviceable; he enjoyed looking at himself in the mirror now, and he liked the fact that other people could look at him and desire him. That had rarely ever happened in the past.

This wasn't only a body. It was a body that he felt at home in, a body that he loved. It was a body that felt as though it distilled his very essence into one being, as no other body he'd ever been in had. He didn't want to lose it, as much for himself as for Jack.

He didn't want to make that kind of sacrifice, not for any reason. Well, if he had to regenerate to stay alive, he'd do it -- but he would do so with a horrible sense of loss, and with the knowledge that he would never have another body that he enjoyed as much as this one.

The Doctor flexed his fingers, feeling a thrill of joy go through him. He wasn't regenerating; it had been long enough now that he was sure he wasn't going to. If he was, then it would have already happened; he would have felt that all-too-familiar tingling that presaged the change.

So he would get to keep this body. He closed his eyes, breathing a sigh of relief. He hadn't been ready for a regeneration, and he didn't think that he ever would be. This body had ceased to be only a body to him long ago; it had become something much, much more.

It had become a home that he was used to, a body that he enjoyed inhabiting. It had become more to him than any other body had ever been in the past. It had become him, in a way that no other body could ever possibly be. This was where he belonged.

No, it wasn't only a body. It was more important to him than that; it wasn't something that he could sacrifice easily, or even consider throwing away or putting at risk without a very good reason. This was a body that he wanted to keep for a long, long time.

And if Jack happened to come back to him some day and felt the same way -- well, then, that would be the icing on the cake. But he wanted to keep this body not just for Jack, but for himself as well. He would try to make sure that he did so, by not putting himself in danger.

Still, that was always hard not to do, the Doctor thought ruefully as he sat up and ran a hand through his hair. He was a magnet for trouble -- he always had been, and he had no doubt that he would continue to be. There was no way to back out of a situation once he'd stumbled into it.

But he would try his best to avoid trouble -- if he could. He didn't want to have to sacrifice this body because of something stupid he'd done; he didn't want to live with the regrets if he did. So from now on, he would be very careful with it -- more than he usually was, at any rate.

After all, this was much more than only a body. This body was .... home.

***