Title: Only When You Leave
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_losses
Prompt: 9B, Misunderstanding
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor leaned back in his chair and contemplated the planet on the viewscreen, forcing himself not to bound to his feet and set the Tardis' coordinates for Cardiff. No. He didn't need to see Jack again. It was too soon. The wounds were still too raw, too fresh.

If only their breakup had been some kind of terrible misunderstanding, something that could be set right with a few well-chosen words. If only he could go to the Hub, talk to his former lover, and everything between them could be set right again.

But life didn't work that way; this breakup with Jack had been coming for a long time, and he knew it. Mere words weren't going to make everything better, or miraculously bring the two of them back together again. It would take much, much more than that.

When had he first realized that Jack meant to leave? The Doctor thought back over the past few weeks, and came to the unwilling conclusion that he hadn't realized it. He'd sensed Jack getting a bit restless, but he'd thought that it would pass.

Of course, it had only gotten worse -- and he'd turned his back on the warning signs. He'd ignored the fact that Jack had seemed to want to spend more time on Earth than anywhere else -- and that he'd seemed strangely distracted when they were there, no matter where they went.

His conversation had become more and more centered around how much the world needed a place like Torchwood -- and a strong leader to keep it balanced. The Doctor could remember every one of those talks they'd had, every word that Jack had said.

Why hadn't he come to the realization that Jack wanted to leave sooner? Maybe if he had, then he could have talked his lover out of it; he could have come up with a litany of reasons why Jack would be happier staying on the Tardis and exploring the galaxy with him.

He'd been a fool, he told himself, closing his eyes and swallowing hard. He should have seen this coming; he should have known better than anyone what Jack's restlessness meant. He'd known this man for too long, and loved him too much, not to have been attuned to his moods.

And, truth be told, he wasn't absolutely sure that Jack would have been happier staying with him, no matter what arguments he might have to use to convince his lover not to leave. Jack needed the grounding, steadying influence of something like Torchwood.

How many times had he reproved the immortal for being something of a loose cannon? Too many to count, he told himself, a reluctant smile coming to his lips as he remembered some of the more colorful excuses Jack had tried to justify some of his actions with.

The two of them had been a good team, in so many more ways than just dealing with the situations they had sometimes found themselves in. Their romantic relationship hadn't taken away from that sense of camaraderie between them; it had only added an extra layer.

Jack was a good man; he always had been, and always would be. But he was also the kind of man who wouldn't be happy in one place for a long time. The Doctor knew that -- and it was what kept a spark of hope alive in his hearts.

One day, he would be able to go back to Cardiff, to see Jack again, and this pain he felt in his hearts wouldn't tear him apart and nearly bring him to his knees in front of the other man. He would be able to talk to Jack calmly and rationally, without his emotions clouding his words.

When that would be, he didn't know. But he held onto the shred of hope that he would be able to convince Jack that he'd made a mistake, that Torchwood wasn't the place he ultimately belonged, that he would be happier with the Doctor, as they'd once been.

Maybe it was a selfish way to think, but he really didn't care. Jack might not be happier living on the Tardis and traveling through the stars, but he would certainly find more of the adventure that he was looking for than he would on Earth with Torchwood.

The Doctor was absolutely convinced of that. Jack would be able to throw himself into whatever he chose to out in the galaxy -- whereas if he stayed with Torchwood, things would inevitably become boring and one-dimensional for him.

There was a reason that Jack had run away from him, going back to Torchwood as though he wanted to hold it close and use it to put up a barrier between himself and the Doctor. The Time Lord could guess at what that reason was, though he couldn't confirm it.

Jack had been afraid of losing him, of having yet another person he loved leave his life, either by choice or by death. Jack was immortal; even the Doctor didn't have that kind of a shelf life. And if he regenerated, he would be an entirely different man.

Well, no, that wasn't completely true, the Doctor told himself. He would still be the same man, with the same memories -- and his love for Jack would be intact. But he would have a different face, a different body, and probably a far different personality.

His lover had dealt with that happening once -- and the Doctor didn't blame him for not wanting to face it again. But he also wanted the man he loved back in his life on a permanent basis, rather than knowing that he was far away on Earth.

It was only when Jack left that he felt so utterly alone and empty. When anyone else left, he felt a pang of regret, but not like this. Not as though his hearts had been torn out of his chest and thrown on the floor, left to beat more and more slowly until they withered and died.

He couldn't live like that for long years, perhaps even centuries, without the man he loved by his side. Just seeing Jack now and then when he went to Earth wasn't good enough. He needed the nearness, the comfort, the knowledge that he was wanted.

How could he convince Jack that their parting had simply been a terrible misunderstanding, and that they belonged together? He didn't know that he could; eloquence had never come all that easily to him, not when he was dealing with his emotions.

Somehow, he would do it. He would make Jack see that the two of them belonged with each other, and that Torchwood could get along without Jack Harkness much more easily than the man who loved him with all of his hearts and soul could go through life without him.

But not now. This wasn't the time, not when the wounds were still bleeding. He'd have to wait until he felt that he could talk calmly to Jack, make him understand how he felt without feeling that he would break down and make a fool of himself.

Soon. Someday soon, he promised himself. He would go to Jack, talk to him, and if he was lucky, he would bring his lover back where he belonged. And if not .... The Doctor sighed, not wanting to think of the emptiness that would stretch out before him until the end of his days.

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