Title: Pleasures of Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 5, 12_stories
Prompt: 6, Pleasure
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

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The Doctor propped himself up in bed, a smile curving his lips. Waking up next to John like this .... it was what he'd wanted all of his life, for the loneliness that had always plagued him to be assuaged, to have someone nestled close to him, both physically and emotionally.

He'd never been like this with anyone else; not even lovers he'd had in the past. They'd always seemed temporary, no matter how much he'd cared about them at the time. When he was younger, he'd accepted his loneliness philosophically, shrugging it off and not thinking about it.

Now that he'd lived a great many more years, he was coming to the realization that he couldn't spend all of his life nursing that loneliness. He needed someone in his life -- someone who connected with him as more than only a companion and friend. His companions had filled the space in his life for a while, but they weren't what he was looking for.

John wasn't only his companion -- he filled that space in the Doctor's life that had always been empty. The only other time that space had been filled was when he and Jack had been lovers, and even then the Time Lord had know that they wouldn't be a lasting relationship.

Jack was really the only other companion he'd had sexual feelings for, he reflected, reaching out to brush a stray lock of hair back from John's forehead. The other companions hadn't been able to breach the walls he's put up around his hearts, and he hadn't wanted them to.

But John had not only torn down those walls, he'd demolished them to the point where the Doctor was sure that they'd never be built back up again.

Even though there would be a time in the future when he would inevitably lose John -- after all, he was in a human body; he wasn't going to live forever -- this man who was so much a part of him had broken down his resistance to freely giving himself to another person.

Those walls had existed for far too long. It was past time they had been torn down, past time that he'd let himself love -- even if it inevitably meant the pain of a final separation. He'd even been afraid to open himself up to the pleasure of letting himself be loved, much less to the physical pleasure of having a lover in more than the emotional sense of the word.

John had come into his life when he'd thought that there was no chance of finding anyone who would fill that empty space that seemed to grow larger as time passed. If they hadn't come together, he might have let that space engulf him, fallen into it and never let himself emerge.

It didn't matter to him that others might think their relationship was "wrong" -- he'd been over that time and time again in his own mind, as well as discussing it with John. They'd both come to the conclusion that what others thought wasn't important -- it was their own feelings that mattered.

Was that a selfish way to look at the pleasure he derived from loving John? Would it have been better for them both to make the ultimate sacrifice, and let themselves part for the sake of what others outside of themselves thought was the right thing for them to do?

No, the Doctor told himself, shaking his head and pushing that thought away, as far to the back of his mind as he could force it to go. It wasn't wrong for the two of them to feel as they did, to take pleasure in loving each other. He'd denied himself the pleasure of falling in love all of his life, feeling that if he did, he would inevitably be disappointed.

Jack had taught him that, he thought wryly; the relationship that he'd thought had been the best thing to ever happen to him had crippled him emotionally for far too long.

He wasn't going to allow himself to go back to feeling that way, thinking that he didn't deserve to be loved, that he would never find anyone who could give him the forever that he craved. He would let himself love fully and completely, even if he would lose his love in the long run.

The pain of losing John would devastate him -- but it wouldn't break him. Still, he dreaded the day when it inevitably came -- he'd lost people he cared deeply for before, yes, but he'd never lost the one person who was the love of his life.

Why was he thinking about that now? the Time Lord admonished himself, shaking his head again as if he could dissipate those dark thoughts by pushing them away. He was here with John now; he should concentrate on the present, not the future.

John brought him so much pleasure -- and not only in the physical sense. He loved just being with this man, seeing him smile, hearing him laugh, sharing every moment of his life with him. It was as though the two of them had always been intended for each other.

That wasn't true, of course; John's advent in his life had been a complete accident, a desperate attempt on his part to stave off a regeneration that he hadn't wanted. And it had not only worked, but it had created the man he'd lost his hearts to.

It was probably the worst kind of vanity for him to have fallen so deeply in love with a man who was, for all intents and purposes, himself; but he'd never claimed not to be vain since he'd gotten this body, had he? He'd seen how other people admired his looks, and he couldn't help looking in the mirror sometimes and marveling at his good fortune.

Maybe other people would see him as being a prime case for a psychiatrist's couch, but to him, falling in love with John had been as normal and natural as taking a breath.

And he wouldn't change that love, or the pleasure it gave him, in any way, the Doctor said to himself as he reached out to trail soft fingertips down John's cheek. Just touching the other man made a frisson of pleasure course down his spine, spreading throughout his entire body.

He loved feeling the slight scratchiness of razor stubble on John's jaw, contrasting with the softness of his skin. He loved knowing that he could take this man into his arms and feel the intensity of that fathomless dark gaze turned upon him when those eyes opened.

He loved knowing that John was his, that this man had the same strong feelings for him. That was what really gave him the most pleasure, wasn't it? Knowing that his emotions were returned, that John's love and devotion wasn't going to fade away.

That kind of pleasure meant more to him than all the physical satisfaction in the world; the pleasure of knowing that his relationship with John was something that wouldn't end with the person he loved walking away from him, turning away and leaving without looking back.

Though he had to admit that the physical side of their relationship brought him a great deal of pleasure, too, the Doctor reflected, another smile curving his lips. He'd never had such a fulfilling physical side to a relationship as he did with John, even with Jack.

Maybe that was because he and John were virtually the same man; they had the same desires, and their pleasures were as closely entwined as their personalities.

Or maybe it was just because he was in love, really in love, for the first time in his long life. Maybe he was finally finding out what a pleasure it could be to surrender himself to that love, utterly and completely, with no reservations.

He'd never been able to do that before, not with anyone. It had always been in the back of his mind that they would leave -- and in some instances, that he would leave the person he cared for. He'd never been able to let himself love fully and with complete abandon before John, and that was a pleasure all its own that he'd never let himself savor.

But now .... now he had the freedom to love, and he intended to take advantage of that freedom -- as well as take advantage of the pleasure that it gave him. The Doctor smiled as he slid his arms around John, pulling the other man into his embrace.

John stirred and murmured something incoherent before he raised his face to look up at the Time Lord. And just as the Doctor had known it would, the loving gaze that fixed on him sent a shiver of pleasure over him as their lips met and they lost themselves in the pleasure of being together.

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