Title: Recovering Dreams
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Michael Cutter
Fandom: Doctor Who/Law & Order
Rating: PG-13
Table: 100_tales
Prompt: 29, Christmas
Warning: ongoing story, past non-con
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Michael Cutter, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***


"It feels weird to spend Christmas here in New York again," Michael remarked as he and the Doctor walked down the street near the hotel they were staying in. "I don't feel connected to this city any more. I think I've lost whatever feeling for it kept me here."

"Well, this is the city that you grew up in, and spent all of your adult life working in," the Doctor told him, squinting in the bright afternoon sun as he looked around them. "You'll always feel that it's your home, in a way -- because it always will be."

"I don't know," Mike said thoughtfully, his gaze moving in the same direction that the Doctor's had. "It'll feel like the home I had when I was younger, and when I was working as a lawyer -- but other than that, it's just a city that I lived in for a long time. Nothing more."

"Mike, you can't let what those men did to you while you lived here destroy your good memories of a place that you called home for so long," the Doctor said softly, reaching for his lover's hand. "If you do, then they'll have won. And you can't let them win."

"It's not that," Michael told him quickly, shaking his head. "All right, maybe that's part of it," he relented as the Doctor raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "It's more that the longer I'm out of New York and on the Tardis with you, the less I feel connected to this city."

"That's understandable, love," the Doctor said softly. "The longer you're away from a place, the more you're going to grow and change -- and you might outgrow that place. Meanwhile, it's changing as well, so you might not feel those connections so strongly any more."

"And having to keep where I've really been a secret from people I worked with and was personal friends with for so long isn't easy, either," Michael sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I wish I could tell Jack the truth about us."

"Do you really think that he could accept the truth?" the Doctor asked, his own sigh mirroring Mike's. "I don't think so. He's a nice man, but he's not ready to know about us, love. If he did, he'd probably think that he should lock me up in an asylum."

"He'd want me there right along with you," Mike said ruefully. "Jack is a great guy, but he's one of those people who'd never believe that you're actually a time-traveling alien. He can visualize things that aren't right there in front of his face, but believing them is another matter."

"He's a realist, a pragmatist, not a dreamer," the Doctor said with a soft laugh. "I've known quite a lot of people like him -- people who refused to believe in what I am, even after they had proof. But I don't blame him for that. The world needs its realists."

"Even at Christmas," Mike agreed with a laugh. "I can't blame Jack for being the way he is, you know. He's been the DA of New York City for a long time. He had to face reality, in the job he has. It's just bled over into his personal life and beliefs so much."

"That's to be expected, I suppose, but it's still a bit sad that he has a hard time accessing the part of him that would like to dream and believe in impossible things," the Doctor said, shaking his head. "How can anyone survive without that kind of an escape?"

"I couldn't," Mike told him, his voice quiet. "I had to believe in those kinds of impossible dreams when I was working with Jack. I saw so much every day that appalled me, I had to have an outlet for dreams and a way to remember all of the good things that can happen in life."

"You're a very different person from Jack, love," the Doctor murmured, reaching for his lover's hand and twining their fingers together. "I know that you were good at your job, and very dedicated, but you don't have that tough centre that he does."

"I'd like to think that I do have a core of inner strength," Mike said quietly, shaking his head in disagreement. "If I didn't, then I doubt I'd have survived being kidnapped and raped. Even if I am having a hard time getting past that in some ways."

"I didn't mean it that way, sweetheart," the Doctor murmured, looking stricken. "You do have a remarkable inner strength that most people don't possess. But you don't have that component that pushes away the more whimsical dreamy side of life."

"When I was a kid, I was a lot more prone to dreaming than I am now," Michael told him, smiling a little nostalgically as memories came back to him. "I believed in Santa Claus at Christmas, and the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. All the things kids are taught to believe."

"And then later, they're taught that all they believed wasn't true, and that they were just being fooled for all of that time," the Doctor murmured, shaking his head. "That's a terrible way for people to treat children. They're more intelligent than they're given credit for."

"Kids don't forgive. And they don't forget," Michael said, shaking his head. "I said that once in court, and I meant it then as much as I mean it now. I didn't forgive or forget when I was told that my dreams were all fake. But I still managed to hold on to them."

"Many children don't," the Doctor said, his voice soft and compassionate. "I think Jack might be one of those who didn't. He let reality replace his dreams, and he never quite learned how to find them again. He's a good man, but there's something lacking in his life."

"I don't think he has much time for dreams," Mike said, feeling sad for his friend. "Like you said, Jack's a good guy -- but he lives by the rules. His world isn't black and white, because of what he does for a living, but he's forgotten to let in all the colors of the rainbow."

"It's a shame that he lives like that, but we can't change him," the Doctor said softly, the compassionate tone back in his voice. "I wish we could, but I think he's lost his capacity for dreaming -- and without that in his life, he'll never be able to accept me."

"So I'll just keep telling him that you and I live in England, and that I don't really get a chance to write much. Or even call," Mike said with a sigh. "I kind of wish I didn't have to lie to someone who's such a close friend, but in this case, it's justified."

"You really don't have a choice, love," the Doctor agreed, squeezing Michael's hand gently. "But you still have his friendship, and if having to tell him white lies about where you are and who I really am keeps that friendship going, then maybe they're not so bad."

"Who knows? Maybe one day Jack will regain his dreams and we'll be able to tell him the truth about us." Mike smiled, wanting to be hopeful and look on the bright, positive side. After all, it was Christmas -- and anything could happen in this season.

"You may be right, love," the Doctor agreed, smiling and squeezing his hand again. "Jack could recover his dreams -- and if he does, then we'll have all the more reason to let him in on our little secret. Perhaps we could even take him out into the stars with us."

"I don't know about that," Mike protested with a laugh. "Jack might be able to deal with finding out the truth. "But being in the Tardis and seeing the universe? I don't know how well he'd cope. He'd probably want to right all the injustice in the universe in one fell swoop."

"That wouldn't be such a bad idea -- but I don't think anyone could do that," the Doctor said, laughing along with his lover. "If they could, it might have already been done -- though I'm sure there would always be more injustices popping up to subdue."

"I don't think all the injustices in the world will ever be put right," Mike said, shaking his head. "That's one dream that nobody will be able to make come true. But it's a nice one for us to have. Maybe one day it'll actually be one that we can achieve."

"And until then, we can concentrate on helping your friend recover his," the Doctor smiled, linking his arm through Mike's as they moved down the street together. "Though I think that's going to prove to be nearly as big a project as righting all the wrongs in the world."

"That might prove to be an even bigger project than you think," Mike told him, making a face. "But maybe we can try it. We might even succeed -- even though I think the odds are against us, facing adversity has always been your specialty."

The Doctor laughed, acknowledging the other man's words as the truth. But in his heart, he wasn't sure that he was up to helping Jack recover his dreams -- at least not this holiday season. But it was certainly a thought for future Christmases yet to come.

***