Title: Reflections
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: Amnesty in January, 5_prompts
Prompt: 3, from Table 21 - No one to care
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor sighed as he rested his elbows on the console, closing his eyes and letting his thoughts drift. He was alone, he was tired .... and he was lonely. It felt as though he'd been alone forever, simply drifting in time and space, with no one around him.

There hadn't been anyone here for, oh, how long now? The Doctor sighed again as his mind went back over the past months. Not since Jack had left. That seemed like an age ago, even though it had only been a few months. Time dragged when he was lonely.

It seemed as though there hadn't been anyone here to care what happened to him for a lifetime now. Jack had been the last person who had ever given a damn -- and the companions who had come before him? They had seemed to care, but he wondered about that.

He'd had to deal with two companions who had only wanted to be with him because of how he looked -- and one who had even attempted to start an interstellar war simply because he didn't want her to be the center of his world, or be in his bed!

How could he have been stupid enough to have chosen a companion who was so utterly childish -- and who was only interested in her own selfish desires? Even now, the thought of her being out of that parallel universe and anywhere near this one made him shudder.

He had thought a few times that even having her around, with her annoying tendency to attempt being seductive when he had no interest in her in a romantic way, would be better than being alone. But he'd quickly changed his mind about that.

Still, the loneliness was monotonous. And wearing. He'd never felt so old and tired as he had in the past few days, even though this body was young and more attractive than any he'd ever had before. He might not look his age, but he was certainly feeling it.

It was hard to travel the universe with no companion. Even though nearly all of them had been no more than his friends, he still missed that friendship. He missed having someone around to talk with, to laugh with, to share his adventures with.

He missed having someone here to share his life with, even if it wasn't in a traditional way. Really, what he missed the most was having someone here to care about him. Someone who made him feel wanted and loved, even if it was only in a friendly way.

Jack had made that feeling go away; Jack had not only been his companion, but his lover. Being with a person who loved him not only in the emotional way, but in the physical as well, had made him let his guard down, made him hope for a future with that person.

But Jack hadn't wanted that future, the Doctor thought gloomily. He'd cared -- but only for a brief time. He still cared about their friendship, of course, but he'd made his choice. Torchwood and Earth meant for more to him in the end than the Doctor ever could.

It wasn't fair, the Time Lord thought, resentment streaking through him. Why was it that so many people didn't seem to have any problem whatsoever finding someone to care for them, and even after all these centuries of his existence, he still had no one to care?

Life wasn't fair, he told himself, taking a deep breath. He'd never expected fairness; he'd learned at a very young age that there was very little in life that could be put into that category. If life was fair, then everyone would be able to have what they wanted.

That happened so rarely, he told himself, sighing yet again. So few people ever achieved their heart's desires; they might be content with the life they led, but there weren't many people, anywhere in the world, in any time period, who were truly happy.

He tried to be; he tried to tell himself that he had achieved his biggest goal in life, and that should make him more contented with his lot than he usually was. He'd become a Time Lord, and really, he'd never wanted anything more from life than that.

No, he did want more. As selfish as it might seem, he wanted the love that he saw around him so often, especially when he was on Earth. He wanted someone to love him wholeheartedly, someone to care for him on a daily basis, someone who would never leave.

He'd felt that he had no one to care for so long now. Even when Jack had been here, he'd always had the suspicion that the immortal wouldn't stay; it had shocked him when Jack had actually turned his back and left, but there was a part of him that had known all along it would happen.

What was it about him that seemingly made him unable to keep anyone with him? Why did everyone who claimed to want to be with him forever -- or at least for as long as their life spans would last -- eventually change their minds and walk away?

It certainly couldn't be his looks. He was in a much more attractive body now than he ever had been -- though that had gotten him into trouble more than once. And it had been the reason why the first companion he'd had in this body had become so scarily obsessive.

It wasn't his personality, either. Yes, he could be a bit manic at times -- but so had some of his past incarnations. He had learned to tamp down on that side of himself when it was coming out a bit too much, and he was proud of how well he could control his energetic outbursts.

He had no idea if there were things about him that put people off. He knew that there were times when he could be annoying -- Jack had told him that often enough -- but he was sure that those times were few and far between. Not enough to drive people away.

Or maybe it was just the fact of what he was that made people turn away from him. Maybe they felt their own mortality more acutely for knowing that he didn't share it. And that was enough to make anyone not want to be with him.

Those reflections of their own mortality that they saw whenever they looked at him had to make them feel small -- and desperate. They wanted to go back to what was familiar, their friends, their families, their lives, to live out those lives in a way that they were comfortable with.

He didn't blame them for that, really. It was hard to look at another person and see your own mortality reflected in them. Or worse, to know that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them, but that they would continue on and find someone else after you were gone.

If he did ever find his soul mate, the love of his life, his destiny, then he wouldn't do that. He would bond with that one person, and no one else would ever touch his hearts after that. He would have friends, but no one would ever be anything more than that in his future.

Once he had bonded, he couldn't let anyone else touch his hearts. That area of who he was would be forbidden to anyone but the one he had chosen to give those hearts to -- which was why he had waited so long to forge that bond, and hadn't done it yet..

He'd never found anyone who he could completely trust; that was his reason. Even Jack, who he had thought might be the person to stay with him forever, hadn't been able to make him give of himself to that extent. And maybe that was one reason Jack had eventually left.

To have someone else care about him, he first had to extend that level of trust to them. And even though he had cared about all of his companions, and the lovers who he'd had in the past, they had never been able to break through to the core of his hearts.

He would always feel that he had no one to care unless he could make himself break down those walls. He had to be willing to let someone into his hearts, to take up residence there, to trust them in every possible way. And a part of him feared that he never would.

With another sigh, he straightened up and looked down at the console. Where would he choose to go next? Not back to Earth, that was certain. He really wasn't up to seeing Jack again and possibly ripping into wounds that were still far too fresh.

Was he up to that? No, he certainly wasn't. Seeing Jack would tear those healing wounds open again -- and he might even be stupid enough to beg his former lover to come back to him, which was something he'd promised himself never to do, no matter how strong the temptation might be.

No, wherever he chose to go, it would be far away from Earth and all the reminders it would bring to him. Who knew? Maybe in the next place he chose to be, he would find his next companion -- and then he wouldn't have to feel any longer that there was no one to care about him.

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