Title: Shades of the Past
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Josef Kostan
Fandom: Doctor Who/Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Table: DIY, 100_situations
Prompt: 5, Survive
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor or Josef Kostan, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

"It's hard to believe that I've met someone from Earth who's over four hundred years old," the Doctor murmured as he and Josef lay in bed, wrapped in each other's arms. "I've always thought of humans as having such short life spans, that are over in the blink of an eye."

"You're forgetting something, aren't you?" Josef said with a soft laugh, running a gentle hand through the Time Lord's hair. "I'm not human. I'm a vampire. Pretty much everything you know about humans falls by the wayside when it comes to me."

The Doctor nodded slowly, catching his lower lip between his teeth. "I almost want to ask you what it's like to be a vampire, but I know that must be a question you've heard a lot over the centuries," he said softly, his tone unsure, as though he almost didn't want to say the words.

"Yeah, I've gotten that one a lot," Josef admitted, sighing. "Not that I let a lot of humans know what I am. I'm not the trusting type, not after the way I was turned. But let's not go into that. It's been a really nice day, I'd like to keep it that way."

The Doctor nodded again, holding back his own sigh. He knew that Josef disliked talking about the night he'd been turned, and the Time Lord couldn't blame him for that. The violence of what Josef had told him about that night wasn't something he wanted to revisit, either.

It incensed him that anyone could have treated a lovely man like Josef in such a foul way -- especially his own father. He understood that noblemen had a terrible attitude towards their illegitimate children in that time period on Earth, but that didn't make what had happened right.

"I learned how to survive, and that's the important thing," Josef told him after a few minutes. "It wasn't always easy, but I did it. Even though I'll admit that I might have gone a little crazy in the first few years I was a vamp. Revenge isn't always the best policy."

"I certainly know that," the Doctor agreed, feeling his hearts speed up their rhythm a bit now that Josef seemed as though he was willing to talk more about his past. This didn't happen often; it was rare to catch his lover in such an expansive mood.

"At the time, I was telling myself that I only did some of the things I did to survive," Josef continued, his voice heavy with regret. "If I could take some of those things back, I would, but I can't. It's all in the past, over and done with. And I survived."

"That's the most important thing, in the end," the Doctor told him, though he couldn't help feeling a little troubled by his boyfriend's words. He didn't know the extent of all that Josef had done, and really, he didn't want to know. It was better that he didn't.

If he did know about some of the things that Josef had done, would he think less of the man he was with? Would he love Josef any less? He didn't think so, but he didn't want to put that idea to the test. He wanted to continue being as happy with Josef as he was now.

What if any revelations about Josef's past made him fall out of love? The thought made his hearts clutch in his chest; a shudder went through his body before he could hold himself calm and still. A shudder that he knew Josef would feel, and ask about.

"What's wrong?" Josef whispered into his ear, his breath hot against the Doctor's skin. The Time Lord hesitated to say anything, wondering if he should simply make up a chill that had run down his spine, say anything to deflect Josef's thoughts away from the topic at hand.

"I scare you sometimes, don't I?" Josef asked, closing his eyes and leaning back against the pillows, his arms no longer so firmly around the Doctor's waist. "I don't blame you. Sooner or later, everybody starts to feel like I'm not what they want in their lives."

"I'm not thinking that," the Doctor protested, turning slightly in his lover's arms and raising a hand to stroke gentle fingertips down Josef's cheek. "There's no one else I want to be with, and nowhere else I want to be than right here in your arms."

"Then what made you shiver?" Josef asked, his voice quiet. "Were you thinking about some of the things I've done in my past? I haven't told you the half of it, Doctor. What you've heard so far has only been the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot worse that I could go into."

"I really don't want to hear that, do I?" said the Doctor in a small voice. "it won't make me love you any less, Josef," he added, wanting to reassure the other man as to how he felt. "I'm just not sure that I need to hear about the more unsavoury parts of your past."

"It's up to you," Josef told him, shrugging. The Doctor knew that his lover wasn't feeling as nonchalant as he tried to pretend to be; he could feel the tension in the other man's body, and he wanted to do whatever he could to dispel it and make Josef relax.

"If it's something you think I should know about, then you should tell me," he murmured, resting his head against Josef's chest. "If you'd rather I didn't hear about it, then don't tell me. Josef, your past doesn't matter. It's what we have in the here and now that's important to me."

"I only did some of the things I've done because I had to survive," Josef whispered, almost as though he hadn't heard the Doctor's words. "I regret a lot of it. Some of it I'd change -- but some of it I could never change. I'd be dead if I hadn't done those things."

"Josef ...." The Doctor propped himself up on one elbow, taking Josef's face between his hands and gazing into his lover's dark eyes. "It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. The important thing is that you survived, and that you're here with me now."

"Would you still want to be with me if you knew the worst about me?" Josef asked him, his voice barely above a whisper. "Would you still love me if you knew all the awful things I've done -- whether they meant my survival or not? Would you still want me to be here?"

"I'll always want you here with me," the Doctor told him, his voice strong and firm. "I love you, Josef. That isn't going to change simply because I happen to know things about your past. After all, you know some fairly terrible things about me, as well."

He was the man who had brought about the destruction of not only his entire race, but his home planet. And he would carry the guilt of that for the rest of his life. Josef knew that; nothing his lover could have done in his past could be worse than what the Doctor himself had done.

"Whatever you've done in the past, it's already done," the Doctor continued, hoping that his words were getting through to Josef. "It doesn't matter any more, Josef. You survived the bad times you went through, and you're here with me now. Nothing else is important."

"Do you really believe that?" Josef asked, his dark gaze seeming to sear into the Doctor's soul. "I want to believe that. I want it more than anything. I just don't want you to end up feeling like you've made a mistake to be with somebody who's done awful things."

"No worse than some of the things I've had to do myself in order to survive -- or to save others," the Doctor told him, his tone soft. "Josef, we've both had to make sacrifices in the past. And some of them haven't been what we might want now. But those choices have been made."

Josef nodded, sighing and closing his eyes. When he opened them again a few moments later, the Time Lord could swear that his boyfriend's gaze looked less worried, less stressed. He seemed much more like his cheerful, devil-may-care self.

"Somehow, the things I've done don't seem so bad now," he murmured, one arm tightening around the Doctor's slim waist and pulling the Time Lord close against his side. "One of these days I might tell you about some of what I've had to do to survive."

"Any time you want to talk, I'll be ready to listen," the Doctor told him, bowing his head to press a gentle kiss to the hollow of Josef's throat. He could feel the pulse beating there, strong and steady, just like the beat of his lover's heart under his palm.

"We've both had to do some things we might not have wanted to do to survive," Josef murmured, raising a hand to stroke the Doctor's hair. "I think we should probably leave them for another day. Maybe sometime when we're feeling more like sharing the secrets of our pasts."

The Doctor nodded, leaning down until his lips brushed Josef's. "I think that's a very good idea," he said softly, wrapping his arms around the other man. Within moments, Josef had rolled over on top of him, and those shades of the past were the last thing either of them was thinking of.

***