Title: Silent All These Years
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: G5, 5_prompts
Prompt: 5, Silent all these years
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor stood at the console of his ship, looking down at the planet below him. He could be there in just a few moments; all he had to do was press a button, and he would materialize exactly where he wanted to be, in the one place his hearts led him to.

But would he be welcomed there? He caught his lower lip between his teeth as he tried to think of all the reasons he had for not being there, all of the ways that he could be sent away with his hearts feeling as though they were breaking within him.

That was why he'd waited for so long to go back. That was the reason he hadn't been able to bring himself to do what his hearts told him to do -- which was to throw himself at his former lover's feet and confess to all that he'd felt over the years that had passed.

Well, it had been years for Jack -- and he'd been in a different body when they had first parted. Since he'd been in this one, they had been together and parted again, though in a very different way than they had that first time.

They'd been parted for the second time for a few years now -- years that had passed excruciatingly slowly for the Time Lord. Every day of those years, he'd wanted to go back to Earth, to Cardiff, to the Hub .... to Jack.

He had wanted to say the words that he'd kept locked in his hearts, the words that would tell Jack the truth about his feelings. Not just the three little words that meant so much -- but the truth about how he had felt when Jack had walked away.

He'd kept himself silent for all the years they'd been parted, the years that had passed since Jack had turned his back on what the two of them shared and had left to lead Torchwood. And he thought that he would never want to say those words aloud.

But over those years, instead of dying away, the need to stop being silent and to say those words to Jack's face had only gotten stronger. Even if his former lover didn't accept those words, even if he turned away again, at least the truth of how he felt would be known.

When Jack had left, he'd tried to act as though he accepted the immortal's decision; he hadn't felt that he had a choice about that. If he had begged Jack to stay, the result would more than likely have been the same -- and Jack would think less of him for having done so.

What was worse, he would have thought less of himself -- or so he'd thought at the time. Maybe he'd made a mistake by keeping silent, by not going down on his knees and confessing everything that he felt then and there. If he had, maybe Jack would have stayed.

How long had they been parted now? The Doctor frowned, trying to think of the exact amount of time that would have passed for Jack. Three years -- for him. For the Doctor, the time hadn't mattered as much -- after all, he was traveling through space and time.

No, that was a lie, a terrible lie that he'd never be able to make himself believe. The time had gone even more slowly for him; each and every day of those three years, he'd yearned for Jack, wanted to have his lover there by his side.

The days had been long; the nights had been longer. He couldn't begin to count all the times that he'd stared up at the ceiling, wondering where Jack was and what he was dong -- and who he was with. Jack would, of course, have found someone new.

That was why he'd kept himself silent all these years -- he didn't want to go to Jack, confess exactly how he'd always felt, and receive the news that Jack was in love with someone else. That would hurt even more than seeing the man he loved walking away from him.

He couldn't have borne that -- and he'd been so sure that it would happen. So he'd stayed away and kept silent, hoping that the need to pour out his feelings and see what Jack would say might dissipate, and that he would be able to put the other man out of his mind and his hearts.

The Doctor smiled wryly, shaking his head. How had he ever thought that he could keep Jack out of his thoughts -- or out of his hearts? The immortal had taken up residence there from the first time they'd met -- and that was where he would always remain.

It might not have seemed like such a long time to Jack that they'd been apart -- but to him, it had been centuries. Had Jack ever laid in bed, wide-eyed and unable to stop thinking of the nights they'd spent together, making love with a wild abandon that neither of them had ever felt before?

Or had he assuaged any need that he might have for the Doctor with others, forgetting his one-time lover within the embrace of someone else's arms? The Time Lord closed his eyes, pushing away the thought as his hearts clenched in his chest. He didn't want to think about that.

It hurt far too much to think of Jack with someone else, though he was sure that there had been many other people in the immortal's life in the past three years. He wasn't the type of man to cry over someone who wasn't there; his philosophy had always been "love the one you're with."

But yet he, too, would have kept silent about his true feelings. Could it be that Jack might still want him -- still love him? The Doctor placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeats start to speed up. He'd never know if he didn't go to Jack and pour out his own feelings.

He'd been silent all these years, not revealing his true emotions and desires to anyone -- and, if he was painfully honest, not even to himself. This was the first time he'd faced his feelings and admitted to himself that he wanted Jack in his life again.

And not just as a friend, but as a lover. He wanted the man he loved back in his arms, in his bed, in his hearts. Well .... the Doctor almost smiled as a thought occurred to him. Jack might not be in his life at this point, but the immortal had never left his hearts.

It was far past time that he broke the silence that stood between them, tore down the barrier that had been built up over these past three years. He had to tell Jack how he felt -- even if it meant that he could possibly be hurt even more than he'd been when Jack had left.

Taking a deep breath, the Doctor reached for the button on the console, pressing it firmly. As he felt the slight displacement of time and space within the ship, he closed his eyes, hoping with all of his hearts that Jack would also feel the need to stop being silent.

***