Title: Someone To Love
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen & past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, 50ficlets
Prompt: 1, Lover
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

He should certainly be used to not having a lover by now. How long had it been? the Doctor wondered, propping his chin on one hand and drumming the fingers of the other on the console of the Tardis.

Jack had been the last, and that hadn't really lasted for very long. Not that he'd wanted to end it, but Jack had felt that it was the best thing for both of them, and he'd reluctantly agreed. At least they'd parted friends, with no resentment between them.

All right, then, a little resentment was still there on his part, if he wanted to be perfectly honest about it. But he was trying his best to push that away; after all, he and Jack had both known that what they had couldn't last.

That still didn't make not having anyone in his life at the moment easier, the Doctor thought, a soft sigh escaping him. Not that he really needed to be physically involved with anyone; he'd spent long centuries of his life without having anyone touch him.

And he hadn't really missed that. Why should he feel differently now?

Maybe it was just because he was getting older. No, that was ridiculous. He might be aging, but it seemed that his bodies were becoming younger as he went on. This one was certainly far and away the most attractive one he'd ever had ....

Was that why he seemed to be so fixated on connecting with someone on an intimate basis? Was it only because he had an attractive body now, and he wanted the physical gratification that hadn't seemed all that important before?

It was really a rather shallow reason to want someone to love him -- but, of course, that wasn't the only reason. There was more to the situation than that, much more.

He wanted someone to share his life. Not just as a companion, but as a part of him. Someone who could be there for him in every way, not just as a friend. He'd appreciated all of his companions, but none of them had filled the void that had always been there.

They'd all meant a lot to him -- they'd all been close to him in an emotional way, even though he'd never been involved with any of them physically. Most of them, he'd almost looked at in a paternal way, especially the younger ones.

His relationship with Jack had been the first time that he'd ever let anyone cross that barrier that he'd always set up between his lovers and his companions. Jack hadn't just crossed that line -- he'd barreled through it, torn it to shreds.

That hadn't seemed like a bad thing at first, but he hadn't realized how much it would irrevocably change the way he might look at any future companions. Would he ever be able to travel with any human on a purely friendly basis again, without wanting more?

He hoped that he could; he really didn't want to have the same devastatingly emotional relationship he'd had with Jack associated with any other companion. Once in a lifetime -- even as long as his lifetime could be -- was enough to go through that.

Besides, Jack had been the kind of relationship that only came along once in a lifetime. He could never hope to replace what the two of them had shared.

Having a lover shouldn't be this important to him. Humans had such short life spans compared to his own; when the person he'd taken into his hearts, into his life, inevitably passed on, that would be a pain that he didn't want to deal with.

But that was the nature of loving, wasn't it? he asked himself. Coping with the bad as well as the good, accepting what time was given and cherishing it while it lasted. But it was different for him; he had to experience losing those he cared about much more often than others did.

Still, he couldn't keep holding himself back from opening himself up to the possibility of emotional intimacy just because of his fear of being left alone. That was something he'd have to accept as an inevitability; it was something he couldn't change.

Or maybe it was best for him to keep on in the way he'd always been -- keeping even his closest companions at arm's length. He could care about them, be their friend, their mentor in some ways -- but never let them into his bed, or give them his hearts.

Yes, that was definitely the easiest way for him to live. He nodded, not entirely satisfied with the decision he'd come to, but knowing that it was the best one for him -- at least for the moment. He'd have to be satisfied with solitude for the present.

There was no telling what could happen in the future. Forever was a long time -- and if he was lucky, maybe he wouldn't have to spend it alone.

***