Title: Tear Down the Walls
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG
Table: 2
Prompt: 50, Cynical
Warning: ongoing story
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Michael Cutter, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor leaned over the console of the Tardis, pretending to study it. He wanted to look like he was doing something if Brendan happened to come into the control room, to seem as though he was immersed in thought.

Well, in truth, he was immersed in thought -- but his thoughts had nothing to do with the Tardis or where they might happen to be going next. He really had no plans about that; it would be wherever fate might decide to take them.

No, he was thinking about Brendan, and the strange distance that the other man always seemed to keep between the two of them. He'd known that Brendan wouldn't be an easy man to get to know, but he was becoming frustrated by always having a door slammed in his face.

The cynicism didn't really bother him; after all, Jack had been much the same way. But Brendan didn't seem to trust anyone -- not even his lover.

That was something that was taking more than a little getting used to. The Doctor hadn't expected his chosen companion to trust him completely from the first moment they met. That would have been too much to ask for. But they'd been together for a while now -- and Brendan's trust still didn't seem to be forthcoming.

Oh, he knew that the other man trusted him to a point. That was entirely the problem. To a point. Only so far, and no further. He couldn't help but feel that in some ways, he was bashing his head repeatedly against a brick wall in his efforts to actually know Brendan.

He didn't doubt that the other man harbored some dark secrets in his past. He could deal with that. Everyone had things they wanted to keep firmly in the past.

After all, didn't he have plenty of that sort of baggage himself? Brendan wasn't getting such a prize with him. He had so many issues that a human psychologist would have had a field day with him, and he was well aware of that fact.

But Brendan was so .... well, so cynical about everything. It was as though he was incapable of looking at anything with wonder, of believing that there could be beauty in the world that wasn't overcast by sombre shadows behind it.

He wanted to make the other man see that things weren't always so black and white. He wanted Brendan to open up to the possibility that the world could be generous, life could be wonderful, and see that he didn't have to regard everything with suspicion and cynicism.

Why did he want that so badly? The Doctor frowned, chewing at his bottom lip. He really couldn't say why. He just wanted Brendan to be .... well, more happy.

Was he in love with this man, this strange man who he admittedly really didn't know much about? He couldn't say that yet, not with the utmost surety. He cared for Brendan, and enjoyed his company. And the sex was absolutely mind-blowing. But love? That was a word that he couldn't apply to their relationship. At least, not yet.

What had happened to Brendan to make him such a cynic? The Doctor would probably never know, but he desperately wanted to find out. He wanted to break down Brendan's walls, to touch this man, to understand what made him tick.

Most of the time, he despaired of ever being able to do so. Brendan was a citadel, one that seemed impossible to storm. One that he would never be able to explore fully.

And that wasn't the way it should be with lovers, he told himself, sighing soflty and shaking his head. He and Brendan should be closer. He shouldn't have to feel that there were part of his lover's past that he wasn't allowed to see into.

What was it about Brendan's past that he held so close to him, that he felt should be protected? Whatever it was, it couldn't be as bad as some of the things that the Doctor had done. He hadn't told Brendan about that, either. They both had their secrets.

He didn't want to keep secrets. He didn't want to hold himself back from the man who he should be able to trust more than anyone else, to give himself to with no reservations, hearts, body and soul. He was more than willing to do that -- in fact, he would surrender himself in a heartbeat. But he doubted that Brendan was ready to do the same.

That was what held him back. He didn't want to deal with the of feeling that Brendan would pull back, that the other man wasn't ready to share everything abuot his life as the Doctor was. He wasn't going to open himself up to emotional pain.

What if it never happened? What if his relationship with Brendan continued, and the other man never opened up to him? What if that mask of cynicism never slipped?

He sighed again, running a hand through his hair. He was nearly at the point where he felt that he had no choice but to confront Brendan, to ask him why he was so closed in some matters. He couldn't keep going like this, feeling that he didn't know his lover completely, that there were some secrets Brendan would always keep.

But what good would that do? Confronting the other man would only make him raise those walls of protection higher around himself; and the Doctor didn't want to give him the impression that he wasn't trusted. That would only make things worse.

He did trust Brendan. The man was his companion, and more than that, his lover. But there were still things about him that the Doctor didn't understand, areas of his life and his personality that the Time Lord felt he wasn't allowed to see clearly into.

It wouldn't do any good for him to keep pondering on what he should do. He'd have to make some kind of decision -- either talk with Brendan about this, or go on the way they were.

The Doctor straightened up, heaving a sigh. There was nothing for it -- he'd have to talk to Brendan. He couldn't go on like this, feeling that there were too many secrets in his lover's past that he knew nothing about.

And he would have to give up some secrets of his own. His part in the destruction of his home planet, among other things. He'd have to lay his greatest guilt bare, and hope that the man he was developing a bond with wouldn't turn away from him because of it.

Whatever Brendan might have done in his life, it couldn't be worse than that. There was no way that the other man could be carrying around that kind of guilt.

He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his waist, soft breath against the back of his neck. Brendan had come into the control room and was standing behind him, so close that the Doctor could feel the heat of the other man's skin against his own. The nearness excited and exhilarated him.

Yes, he had to talk with Brendan about how he felt. He had to trust this man enough to put aside his doubts and fears, and embrace him wholeheartedly. Until he did that -- until they both did that -- then their relationship wouldn't be able to grow.

The Doctor turned in his lover's embrace, giving Brendan a tremulous smile and pushing the dark hair out of the other man's eyes. It was now or never; he had to start this conversation before he completely lost his nerve.

"I've got something to ask you," he began, his voice soft, his hearts racing in his chest. There, it was started. Now all he could do was hope that this had been the right time.

***