Title: The Sweetest Days
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: past Jack/Doctor
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 2, Sweet
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor turned over onto his side, trying in vain to find a cool spot on his pillow. With his low body temperature, he didn't usually have to worry about that -- but it seemed that tonight, his memories didn't want to let him sleep comfortably.

All he'd been able to think about since he'd stripped out of his clothes and stripped into bed was Jack, though he had no idea why the immortal was so firmly fixed in his mind. As far as he knew, tonight wasn't the anniversary of some special occasion for them.

Maybe it was just the fact that he was tired of sleeping alone, in a huge bed that hadn't been intended for single occupancy. He and Jack had found this bed together, in a huge bazaar on a faraway planet that he hadn't been back to since that time.

There were a lot of places that he hadn't been himself to visit again, places that would stand out in his memory because Jack had been with him. Sighing, he turned over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes.

Even if he went back to those places and tried to enjoy being there, memories of Jack would haunt him. The immortal always seemed to pop up in his memory no matter where he went; he was ingrained in the Doctor's hearts and soul.

No matter how he tried to push Jack to the back of his mind, the other man would always pop up at the most unexpected times -- like now, here on the Tardis when he was trying to fall asleep in the bed that the two of them had once shared so joyfully.

That joy was gone from his life forever. It had disappeared the day that Jack had walked out on him; his lover had left without a backward glance, and the Doctor had been too proud to fall to his knees and beg him to come back.

That pride was all he had left to hold on to now. The sweetness of the nights he'd shared with Jack was gone; even if he tried to recreate it with someone else, it wouldn't be the same. No one else could ever be what Jack had been to him. There was no use in even trying.

Oh, he might meet someone in the future who he cared about; he might even be able to convince himself that they had replaced Jack. But he knew, in the deepest recesses of his hearts and his soul, that Jack could never be replaced by any other being.

What they had shared was special, more so than any other relationship he'd had. Of course, he hadn't had many relationships that had lasted; he should have known that this one would be no different, but he had allowed himself to hope.

He hadn't even considered trying to find anyone else who could possibly mean to him what Jack had -- or even to find another companion. It wouldn't be the same after Jack. Anyone who was a companion would be just that, and nothing more.

The Doctor sighed, closing his eyes and crossing his arms behind his head. Was that a self-fulfilling prophecy? Who was he to say that he couldn't find anyone to care for again? It might not be the same, but would he really want it to be?

He wouldn't want any other person to try and become what Jack had been to him. If they did, then he would more than likely be annoyed at them, snap at them that they could never be Jack Harkness, and give them the cold shoulder for quite a while.

Actually, that wouldn't happen, he reflected as he lay there. Because he was more than likely never going to let another companion get close to him in the way that Jack had. This was the one and only time he was going to give his hearts in that way.

It had been a mistake from the beginning, hadn't it? He'd told himself not to get involved with Jack, that this man was only going to break his hearts and leave him feeling cold and empty. He'd warned himself time and time again that loving Jack was the wrong thing to do.

And what had he done? He'd thrown caution to the winds, told himself that Jack was the one person who could possibly give him the forever that he craved. The one person who could stay with him, who could assuage that loneliness that never quite went away.

He'd known from the beginning that he would probably get hurt, and he'd told himself that it would be worth the risk to be with Jack. Maybe it had been -- but there were times when he wondered if the pain that he still felt had been worth the brief time they'd been together.

It was. Of course it was. What was that quote? "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." He had to agree with that. Even though all he had left of Jack were the memories of what they had shared, at least he had those memories in his heart.

But that didn't change the fact that it hurt unbearably to think of his former lover. He had to wonder what Jack was doing now -- and who he was doing it with. He was sure that the immortal wouldn't be alone; he would have found someone else to love.

The Doctor couldn't keep back a laugh that was almost a derisive snort. Love? What did Jack know of love? His idea of love was to have a brief physical relationship with someone and then go on blithely to the next person, like a bee flitting from one flower to another.

He should have known that. He should have listened to that voice that had spoken up more than once in the back of his mind, that voice that had warned him of how badly it would hurt when Jack inevitably left, as he would no doubt do at some point.

That voice had been right, and he had been wrong. The sweetest days of his life were behind him, or so that voice persisted in telling him on nights like this, when he thought that his longing for Jack would finally drive him around the bend.

If he was honest with himself, did he really want that sort of sweetness back in his life with someone else? It would never live up to what he had shared with Jack; he would constantly compare the two, and he was sure that he would find anyone else wanting in the end.

No, it was best for him to stay as he was -- alone, with his memories of the man he loved and always would. He couldn't go through that kind of pain again, of loving and being left. Once had been more than enough. He wasn't prepared to open his hearts a second time.

Maybe that was no way for anyone to live. But maybe, just maybe, there was a part of him that still clung to the hope that Jack might come back to him someday, and those sweet days that lived in his memory could be a reality in his life again.

It might be only a dream, but it was a dream that he would cherish and try to keep alive. The Doctor sighed, turning over onto his side and closing his eyes. If he was lucky, he would be able to finally fall asleep -- and hopefully, his slumber would be deep and dreamless.

***