Title: Thin Line Between Love and Hate
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 6, 50ficlets
Prompt: 38, Love/Hate
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

Jamie glared at himself in the mirror, wishing that he could push what he was to the back of his mind and only see the part of himself that was exactly like the Doctor -- the handsome face, the ready smile, the intelligence in his dark eyes.

But no, when he looked at him, those things all seemed secondary. All he could see was that he was human -- something that he didn't want to be. Human, fragile and finite. Everything that was completely unlike the Doctor. Everything that he hated about himself.

True, the Doctor was half-human -- but he was more Gallifreyan than human, having been raised as a Gallifreyan and having the life span and regenerations of a Time Lord. He was immortal, even if he had to take that immortality in different bodies.

How could the Doctor love someone who was so .... limited? Try as he might, Jamie couldn't see himself in any other way; he wanted to see what the Doctor saw, but he could never get past the fact that he was human to see his inner qualities.

Yes, there were good things about him. But being human wasn't one of them. He had to admit that he had something of a love/hate relationship with what he was; he loved that he was so much like the Doctor, but he hated the fact that he was trapped in this frail human body.

Why couldn't he have come into being as a Time Lord? That was all it would take to make him happy -- well, that, and being here with the Doctor. Anything else in his life wasn't important; those two things were the cornerstone of his future happiness.

The Doctor wouldn't want him to change a thing about himself, of course. He knew that the Time Lord loved him just as he was, human frailties and all. The only thing that would make the Doctor any happier with him was if he wouldn't age and die at such a rapid rate.

Then wouldn't it be better for both of them if he was a Time Lord in actuality, not just in his mind? That way, he wouldn't have to face an early aging and death, and the Doctor wouldn't lose the person he loved and have to go through the rest of his life alone.

If only there was some way to turn back the clock, to retrace time and have things work out differently! He had no doubt that if the Doctor could do that, if his lover could give him his heart's desire, the Time Lord would do just that. The Doctor would do anything to make him happy.

But there was always the chance that if they did try to go back and change the circumstances of how he had come into being, things could go horribly wrong. He might not have a Time Lord brain any longer -- or worse, he might be forced to leave the Doctor.

That would be a fate worse than death for him, to be trapped in an alternate universe with a spoilt child who didn't love him for who he was. He would live out his short human life -- if indeed he was still human -- in utter misery, longing for the one person he loved.

He wouldn't put himself or the Doctor through that kind of pain. It wouldn't be fair to either of them to ask the Time Lord to try and turn back the clock in that way; he knew well enough from the Doctor's memories inside his own head that it wouldn't be a good idea.

No, he had to be satisfied to stay as he was, unless the Doctor could come up with some other way for him to achieve that heart's desire and become what he wanted to be. He had no choice but to resign himself to this love/hate relationship with his own body.

At least it wasn't so bad in some ways, Jamie told himself with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He was a handsome man; he looked exactly like the Doctor, and that could never be seen as a bad thing. It might be vain, but he loved the way they both looked.

It was a thin line that he was treading between love and hate -- loving the fact that he looked just like the Doctor and had his Time Lord memories, but hating the fragile human body that those memories and his Time Lord mind were trapped in.

How much longer would he have to walk that thin line before they found a solution to the problem? Jamie sighed again, turning away from the mirror and trying to push those thoughts from his mind. He was sure that it would be a very long time -- possibly even for the rest of his life.

***