Title: Don't Want To Change
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: Epsilon, challenge_the
Prompt: 41, Body
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

"It's only a body," Jamie repeated stoically as he gazed at himself in the bathroom mirror. "Only a body. It doesn't really matter what body you're in, as long as it's healthy." He hoped that if he repeated the words enough times, he would eventually start to believe them.

He didn't want to lose this body. He loved this body. It was exactly like the body that the Doctor had now -- and if either of them were to regenerate, then they would lose a part of what bound them so securely to each other. They wouldn't look the same any longer.

One of the things he loved about this body was that it looked exactly like the Doctor. He didn't want to seem vain, but his lover was the most beautiful man he'd ever seen; he loved the fact that they looked exactly alike, that he could be as handsome as the man he loved.

What would happen between them if he had to regenerate -- and his body wasn't as attractive as this one was? He'd seen pictures of the Doctor's past bodies; he could remember being in them, even though none of those memories technically belonged to him.

None of them had been nearly as attractive as the body that he inhabited now. He didn't want to risk losing this one, risk becoming someone who the Doctor couldn't love. It was terrifying to think that he would have to get used to being .... well, an entirely different person on the outside.

He would even change inwardly, at least in some ways. There would always be a bit of who he was now in the next regeneration; that was how it worked. But he wouldn't be the same person; he would have different likes and dislikes, odd idiosyncracies to deal with.

That change might be inevitable because of what he now was, but he didn't want to face it. This body was precious to him, just as he was sure that it was also precious to the Doctor. Neither of them wanted to lose this body; they both enjoyed it far too much.

Jamie hadn't noticed the Doctor coming into the room; he gasped when the other man appeared behind him in the mirror, his eyes widening as the Doctor wrapped strong arms around his waist from behind. Their gazes met in the mirror before either of them spoke.

"What were you thinking of?" the Doctor asked quietly, in a tone that let Jamie know that the other man knew exactly what he'd been thinking. He didn't delve into Jamie's mind out of respect for him, but they still had an uncanny way of divining each other's thoughts without even trying.

Jamie sighed softly, looking down, feeling more than a little shamefaced for what he'd been thinking. After all, this was what he had wanted; becoming a Time Lord had been his fondest wish, his strongest desire. He shouldn't spend time complaining about some of the drawbacks.

"I think you know," he said softly, another sigh accompanying his words. "I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help it, Doctor. I love this body. I don't want to have to get used to being in another one. I don't want to change. And I don't want you to change, either."

The Doctor's brow furrowed in a frown, his dark eyes meeting Jamie's in the mirror once more. "Jamie, I'm not sure that either of us will regenerate again. There could have been some radical changes made to our body chemistry when the Chameleon Arch brought you back."

Jamie grasped that hope and held onto it with both hands. He couldn't stop his eyes from widening in surprise at the Doctor's words; he hadn't even thought about such a possibility. "I know you can't be sure, but .... do you think it's possible that we won't regenerate?"

The Doctor frowned, then nodded slowly. "I think it's very possible. Going through the Chameleon Arch with you to bring you back melded the two of us somehow. I don't know exactly how -- maybe I never will -- but I do know that I've felt .... different ever since then."

Jamie was sure that he could feel his hearts surge in his chest, leaping forward as though they were frolicking in joy. If only they could know for sure that they wouldn't have to worry about regenerating and losing these bodies they both loved so much, that would be much less worry to deal with.

But the Doctor was right -- there was no way to know for sure, until it came to the point where they might need to regenerate to save their lives. The mere idea of that made his hearts stop their racing; it was a thought that he didn't want to contemplate.

He didn't want either of them to ever come to that point -- but the Doctor had been there before, many times over. Jamie didn't want to think about what that would feel like, even though he knew that he could reach back into his memories and find that feeling quite easily.

Those might not be technically his memories, but they were within him, and he could access them. They were frightening, something that he didn't want to touch. He wanted to push them away, to keep them locked deep inside and never let them out.

"I don't want to lose this body," he whispered, closing his eyes. "I don't want you to lose it, either. I feel .... more connected to you just because we share the same looks. If that changed, I can't help thinking that we wouldn't be as close. That we might eventually lose each other."

The Doctor shook his head, his arms tightening around Jamie's slim waist. "Don't ever think like that," he said softly, his tone slightly admonishing. "Jamie, nothing is every going to take me away from you. Even if we had to regenerate into new bodies, my heart and soul would still be yours."

"And mine will always belong to you, no matter what body I might be in," Jamie answered, his voice barely a whisper. "I know that it's probably selfish for me to want to keep this body, but I'm afraid of what I could end up with the next time around. This one is beautiful."

The Doctor nodded, understanding in his dark eyes. "I agree with you, Jamie. I like this body better than any other I've ever had. But that's the nature of being a Time Lord, you know. You have to take the bad with the good. I've just been lucky this time around."

Jamie nodded, sighing softly and turning around within the protective circle of the Doctor's arms. "I know it's a bit selfish of me to want to keep this body. But in a different one, I know that I wouldn't feel so connected to you, even though I could never stop loving you."

"I don't ever worry about losing your love," the Doctor told him, raising a hand to brush a lock of tawny hair back from Jamie's face. "I know you better than that, Jamie. You're the most faithful person I've ever known. I know that you'd never turn away form me. Nor I you."

Jamie closed his eyes, resting his forehead against the Doctor's, feeling relief wash through him. He didn't really doubt that the Doctor would always love him, even if they both regenerated. But he couldn't help feeling that somehow, the love they felt for each other might dim.

The Doctor's words were proof that the love they shared wouldn't fade away, no matter what might happen in the future. He knew that the man he loved would never lie to him; if the Doctor said that his love wouldn't fade, then he meant it, with all of his hearts and soul.

"I still don't want to lose this body," he murmured, raising his head to gaze into the Doctor's dark eyes. "But I know that we'll still be together even if we both regenerate. I know our love won't fade away. We might even be closer. I suppose the only way we'll know is if it happens."

The Doctor nodded, a wry smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Yes, that's true," he agreed with a soft laugh. "But I hope it doesn't happen. I'd love you even if you were in another body, Jamie -- but I do hope you'll keep this one. I've gotten rather used to it."

"So have I," Jamie said, his laugh echoing the Doctor's. Somehow, with those few words, his lover had managed to chase away all the worries from his mind; he was no longer tense, and he felt as though a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

As the Doctor's lips brushed across his own, he gave himself up to the pleasure of the other man's kiss, pushing all of his worries to the back of his mind. There was really nothing to worry about, after all. The Doctor would still love him, in this body or any other.

And he would love the Doctor just as much, Jamie told himself, wrapping his arms around the Doctor's neck to pull him closer. Nothing could ever make him stop loving this man; not regeneration, not even a final death. He would belong to the Doctor, and love him, for all eternity.

Even though it wouldn't change the Doctor's feelings for him if he lost this body, he still wanted to keep it, he thought as he let himself melt into the other man's embrace. After all, this was the only body he'd ever had -- and it was one that suited him, and his lover, in every way.

***