Title: Fear of the Unknown
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ten.5
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: R
Table: 1
Prompt: 18, Nervous
Author's Note: The human version of the Doctor is being referred to as John Smith in this fic, since it's the Doctor's human alias and his clone needed a name.
Author's Note: Spoilers for Journey's End, somewhat. This is an completely alternate take on the ending of Season Four.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor, or his human clone. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor scowled down at the Tardis console, not really paying attention to what he was seeing there. He didn't really care about whatever the next place he and John happened to go was. As long as it was safe, that was the only thing that mattered to him.

John was slowly getting over what had happened, but his recovery had been slow. He still suffered from terrible nightmares, and even though the Doctor had thought that would happen, it was still disconcerting to be wakened nearly every night from a sound sleep by the sound of his lover screaming.

Still, he couldn't blame John for that. The other man had steadfastly refused to talk about what he'd been through, even though the Doctor could guess at quite a bit of it. He didn't want to push John to talk about it; hopefully, he'd do that on his own, when he was ready.

But all the same, he couldn't help feeling more and more worried about his lover's condition. He was fine outwardly; the bruises had healed, and there was no physical sign of what he'd suffered. No, the damage was on the inside, where it couldn't be seen.

If only he'd been more watchful, kept John closer to him; if only he'd realized that they were being followed and been more protective. He shook his head, another frown creasing his brow. He couldn't let himself think like that; self-recrimination after the fact wasn't going to help.

He sighed, propping his chin on his hands as he leaned against the console. John was still so nervous that he jumped at every little sound, nearly every movement that anyone made around him. And that definitely wasn't a good sign.

Of course, he couldn't be angry at the other man for being nervous and jumpy. He would be the same way himself in John's situation, he was sure -- and, come to think of it, he probably had been in the past. Anyone would be, after an experience like the one John had faced.

That still didn't alter the fact that he was worried about John's nervousness. He had hoped that the fear might have faded by now, but it didn't seem to be doing so.

What was he going to do to ease John out of that fear? After all, they couldn't hide in the Tardis forever -- and even though he was fairly sure that John Hart wasn't going to come after them again any time soon, he certainly couldn't be positive about that.

John could sense his own trepidation; they were part of each other, after all, and that ensured that John would be able to feel his emotions when they were at their strongest. In a strange way, it seemed that their physical bond was strengthening their emotional one, as well.

He hadn't expected that -- but then, he hadn't expected to fall in love with his own clone, either. If anyone had told him only a few weeks ago that he would want to spend his life loving a human version of himself, he would have thought they were completely barmy -- and told them so in no uncertain terms.

Everything that had happened between John and himself was more than a little odd, he had to admit. The way they'd come together, their subsequent relationship. But he'd never been one to do things the easy way, had he? Or even the expected way.

Standing here musing on the peculiarities of their relationship wasn't helping him to find a way of helping John overcome his nervousness and fear. The Doctor sighed again, his brow furrowing. For once, he was fresh out of ideas. That didn't happen often.

Well, he had to come up with something, because he wasn't going to let John live with his fears forever. He didn't want the man he loved to be plagued by those fears for the rest of his life.

As though the Doctor's thoughts of him had summoned him from their bedroom on the Tardis, John appeared in the corridor that led to the further reaches of the ship, looking anxious. The worried expression on his face softened when the saw the Doctor, and his sigh of relief was almost audible.

"There you are," he said softly, crossing the room to stand beside the Doctor, one thin arm sliding around the Time Lord's waist. "I didn't think you'd gone anywhere, but I couldn't help wondering. Especially since we're still on Earth."

The Doctor shook his head, a small smile curving his lips. "No, I didn't go anywhere. You don't think I'd leave you alone without telling you that I was going out, do you?" His tone was faintly admonishing, his gaze even more so.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wished that he hadn't said them. This was no way to go about helping John get past his fears, being so obviously overprotective of him! He groaned inwardly, wishing that he could go back and make those words disappear.

But of course, he couldn't do that. Maybe that was part of the reason that John was having such a hard time putting what had happened behind him -- having a lover who worried about him as much as the Doctor did certainly didn't help the experience to fade into memory.

John was looking at him, brow furrowed, a concerned expression on his features. The Doctor sighed, turning to the other man and taking John's hands in his.

"John, I ...." he began, then fell silent, not sure of what he wanted to say. Taking a deep breath, he tried again, his dark gaze meeting the other man's. "I'm worried about you. I know that it's hard to put what happened behind you, but it feels as though you've been .... hiding."

The other man turned away, dropping the Doctor's hands and moving back from the Time Lord. The Doctor didn't let him back away very far; he moved to John's side, turning his lover to face him and slipping an arm around that slender waist to pull John against his side.

"I know it isn't something you want to talk about, John," he said softly, his voice hesitant, hoping that he was saying the right thing. "But you can't hide yourself away in the Tardis. You have to live your life, John. You can't let what he did to you frighten you away from doing that."

"Every time I close my eyes, I see him," John whispered, looking down, his voice choked. "I can hear his voice .... I can still feel his hands on me. Do you think I like feeling this way? I don't. I wish I could forget it all. But I can't just snap my fingers and make it go away."

"I know you can't, love. And I don't expect you to be able to do that." The Doctor placed a hand on John's cheek, turning the other man's face towards his. "But you can't keep letting your fear of him control you, John. That's not fair to either of us. We can't live our lives running away from that fear."

John blinked back tears, his eyes finally meeting the Doctor's as he spoke. "I know we can't. And I don't want to make you do that. If you don't feel that you should have me with you, then .... I'll leave. I don't want to make you have to deal with my problems."

The Doctor moved to take John into his arms, pulling the other man close against his body. "Don't ever think such a thing," he told John, his voice almost fierce. "I'm not going to let you go, John. You should know that by now. No matter what happens, you belong with me."

"I wish you didn't have to deal with this," John whispered, resting his head on the Doctor's shoulder. "It's not fair to you. I know what you've been through in your life, after all. I still have all of those memories. It might not have technically happened to me, to my body -- but I still know."

"Which is why I have no intention of abandoning you because of this," the Doctor said quietly, drawing back slightly to raise John's face to his so that their eyes met. "I know what you're going through, John. I've felt that kind of fear, too. And I know that you can't let it control you."

John nodded slowly, sniffling slightly and dashing a hand across his eyes. When he finally spoke, his voice was firmer, less tremulous, his words stronger than the Doctor had expected them to be.

"You're right, I know," he said, not looking away from the Doctor's gaze. "If I let my fears get the better of me, then he's won, hasn't he? And I'm not going to let that happen. I'm stronger than that -- I have to be." He smiled slightly, reaching up to cup the Doctor's cheek. "After all .... I'm part of you."

"You don't get your strength only from me, you know," the Doctor protested, not wanting to take credit for what he didn't feel was his doing. But he couldn't help feeling a glow of pleasure at John's words, knowing that his lover thought of him in such a way.

"Maybe not, but I know that I owe my existence to you," John said simply, sliding both arms around the Doctor's waist. "I never forget that. Every time I look at you, I'm grateful that we're together -- and I know I owe it to you that we are. I owe my very existence to you."

"You help me to be strong," the Doctor told him, taking one of John's hands in his own and holding it against his heart. "There were so many times before you were in my life when I felt like giving up. But since I've had you -- I don't think I could feel that way any more."

"We'll have to be each other's strength, then," John said, leaning forward to brush his lips against the Time Lord's mouth. "I know that I may need your strength more right now -- but I hope that when you need mine, I'll be able to give you as much as you need."

"I know you will, love," the Doctor whispered, the words forced out around the sudden lump in his throat. If he wasn't careful, he was going to cry. "I have fears too, you know. We'll face them together -- yours and mine. And we'll conquer them, even if it takes us a while to do it."

John didn't answer him; he only smiled and rested his forehead against the Doctor's in a gesture that said more than any words could have conveyed.

The two men stood there for a long time, still and silent in each other's arms, each of them thinking about the inner demons that they would inevitably have to face. Different fears .... but they each felt stronger in the knowledge that they would face them together.

***