Title: When I Fall in Love
Pairing: John Reese/Jordan Hester
Fandom: Person of Interest
Table: 2, stories_a_z
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely John Reese or Jordan Hester, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.
***"When you first met me, did you ever think for a moment that we would fall in love?" Jordan's voice was soft as he spoke the words, laying on hand on John's chest and raising his head to look up at his lover. They'd just made love, and somehow, it seemed an appropriate question to ask.
"When I first met you, all I was capable of thinking about was how to get us both out of a bad situation that we'd gotten into," John replied, sounding amused. "I didn't have any time to think about whether or not you would turn out to be the love of my life."
"I think I fell in love with you from that first moment -- even though I was terrified that you were going to beat the crap out of me at first," Jordan said with a laugh. "But the attraction was there even when I was scared of you. I couldn't believe it when you actually showed up on my doorstep."
"I tried to keep myself from coming to you," John admitted with a soft sigh. "You'd been through enough as it was. I didn't want to drag you into the darkness of the world I live in. But I couldn't stay away from you, Jordan. I was attracted, too. I just didn't realize how much at first."
Jordan snuggled closer against his boyfriend, John's words bringing a lift to his heart. John hadn't said it in so many words, but Jordan was sure that the other man did think of him as being the love of his life -- just as John was the love of Jordan's life, and always would be.
He couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else but John. There had been other people in his life, of course. He'd been seriously involved with a few men, but he hadn't really been in love with any of them, though he hadn't realized that until he'd met John.
He'd thought he was in love more than once in the past -- a couple of those people had broken his heart, and he'd learned from the experiences. But he had never truly been in love before John; those people had been infatuations, never the real thing. They'd never touched the inner reaches of his heart.
It was so different with John, Jordan mused as he lay there nestled against his boyfriend's side. Everything was so .... enhanced with him. The emotions, even the physical sensations when they made love, all seemed more intense, touching him more profoundly.
He had always told himself that when he fell in love, it was going to be forever, just like the old song said. But after his first few failed relationships, he'd become more cynical, telling himself that love wasn't something that was meant for everyone -- only for a lucky few who could make it work.
He should never have taken that kind of attitude towards love, Jordan thought with satisfaction as John's arm tightened around his waist to pull him closer. He had never known what real love was until he met John; he should never have disparaged it on the basis of a few bad situations.
The love that he and John shared was unlike anything he'd ever known; he had never dared to dream that he could be so close to anyone. He'd always kept a close guard on his emotions, never quite letting anyone he'd been involved with in the past see into his secret heart.
But John was different. He trusted John in a way he'd never thought he would ever be able to trust another person; this man owned him, heart, body and soul. He had fallen, and he never wanted to get up again -- and he also never wanted to take back the heart he'd so freely given away.
"I always thought that when I fell in love, it would be something that grew over time," he said softly, suddenly feeling shy about revealing his innermost thoughts to his lover. "But with you .... I fell for you the first time you looked into my eyes. It only took a second."
"I think I fell for you then, too," John murmured, one hand moving down Jordan's side to rest on his hip. "It took me a while to realize that what I felt for you was love -- but once I did, I accepted that. I've learned that love is precious, Jordan. Once you find it, you don't let it slip through your fingers."
"Sometimes I worry that you'll change your mind about that at some point," Jordan whispered, wishing the moment that he'd said those words that he'd kept his mouth shut. But they were out in the open now; he'd revealed one of his greatest fears to John.
John frowned, slowly sitting up and turning over onto his side to prop himself up on one elbow. His dark eyes were serious as he looked at Jordan, holding the other man's gaze. Jordan couldn't look away; he was utterly mesmerized by the expression on John's face, the look in his eyes.
"You think that I'll let you slip through my fingers?" John asked, a frown marring his brow. Reaching out, he captured Jordan's hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the other man's fingertips. "You really think that after all you know about me, I'd let you go now that I've found you?"
Jordan couldn't speak; he couldn't do anything but shake his head helplessly. He should have known better than to say something like that; his words had obviously hurt John, and that was the last thing he had wanted to do. He wished he could take those words back, unsay them somehow.
But that wasn't possible; all he could do was lie here and search his mind for something to say that would make John understand how he felt, why he feared that his lover would walk away from him at some point. But no words came; and even if they had, his throat was too tight to speak.
"Jordan, I've been in love before," John said, his voice very soft, his tone regretful. "I know what it's like to lose the person I love. It's a pain that I never want to feel again. I've told myself for years that I was never going to fall in love again, because loss hurts too damn much."
Jordan didn't speak, waiting for John to continue. After a few moments, he did. "Over the last few years, I've told myself that when I fell in love again, it was going to be forever -- because I'll never let the person I love go of my own free will. I've done it before, and I never should have."
After a few moments, Jordan nodded slowly, finally finding the words he needed. "And you're afraid that if you let me go of your own free will, you'll regret it more than you did the last time," he whispered, hoping that he understood what John meant to tell him.
John nodded, leaning forward to brush a kiss across Jordan's parted lips. "I've always known that when I fell in love again, this time it would be for good," he whispered, sliding both arms around the other man's waist and pulling Jordan against the warmth of his body. "Forever. And that's a promise."
Jordan knew that John couldn't promise him forever; what he did was dangerous, and there was a good chance that there might be a night when he didn't come back. But he wanted to believe in forever; he wanted to believe that they had all the time in the world to love each other.
"When I fall in love, it's forever," he finally said, his voice barely a whisper in the quiet air of the room. "I've never been in love before you, John. I thought I was, but that was just infatuation. I never knew what real love was until the first time I looked at you."
John was silent, but the look in his eyes told Jordan everything he needed to know. John's hands were moving down his body, pulling him closer, those strong arms finally sliding around his waist to hold him as John gazed into his eyes, still without saying a word.
This wasn't just love, or just desire. It was a potent, powerful amalgam of the two -- and Jordan wasn't sure which of those emotions was the strongest right now. He loved John, yes; but at the moment, desire was running hot and high, sweeping away all other emotions.
All he wanted was to be in John's arms, to have those hands all over his body, to have John's lips on his; he wanted to feel John inside him, to join their bodies in the most primal of embraces; he wanted to be one with John, to open himself to this man, to surrender to him completely.
He'd always thought that when he fell in love, it would be something that lasted forever. Past experiences had made him believe that love was something he might never find; he'd had his heart broken, but he knew that was nothing compared to the pain he would feel if he lost John.
Jordan pushed that thought firmly out of his mind, refusing to let it take root. He wasn't going to lose John. Fate couldn't be so cruel as to finally let him find the love of his life, only to take him away soon after. The two of them were destined to live a long and happy life together.
He wanted to believe that. He had to believe that. Because if he didn't, he would start to think that he had fallen in love with the wrong man, and that he was destined to lose John rather than to live out his life with him. And he didn't want to feel that way.
When he had first fallen in love with John, he had known right away that he wanted that love to last forever -- and that he wanted it to be returned. Well, so far he had one out of two of those wishes, and he would have to do his best to ensure that the other came true, as well.
"I love you," he whispered, burying his face against John's shoulder. It was all he could say, all that he wanted to say. There were no words in his vocabulary stronger than those, nothing that he could possibly say to express his feelings more clearly or more truly.
"And I love you," John answered, taking Jordan's face between his hands and forcing him to look up and meet that dark gaze with his own. "I've loved you from the first, Jordan. Nothing is going to make me stop loving you. You own my heart. For now, and for always. Don't ever forget that."
Jordan's throat closed, the tears threatening again. He blinked them away; this wasn't the time for him to cry, not even happy tears. He couldn't speak; there was nothing that he could say, or that he needed to say. He knew that John understood all that was written in his eyes.
John's arms wrapped around his waist to pull him close again, and Jordan snuggled thankfully into them. He didn't want to think about the future any longer; all he wanted to do was to revel in the here and now, and enjoy the moment -- a moment that he hoped would last for the rest of eternity.
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