Title: Whitewash
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Brendan Block
Fandom: Doctor Who/Secret Smile
Rating: PG
Table: 4
Prompt: 10, Frustrated
Warning: ongoing story
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Michael Cutter, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor clenched his fists on the console in front of him, staring down at it but not really seeing what was in front of him. He had too much else on his mind, too much that he was disturbed about but that he really hadn't been able to quite put his finger on. Until now.

Somehow, standing here contemplating the controls of his ship and wondering just where to go, it had dawned upon him that his relationship with Brendan wasn't all that he wanted it to be. He'd had that nagging feeling in the back of his mind, but he hadn't known just why it was there.

Now he did. And as much as he didn't want to confront that feeling -- or confront the other man with it -- he knew that he had to. That was, if he wanted Brendan to stay with him. Maybe it would be better to take him back to Earth, agree that they'd had a pleasant time together, and search for another companion.

He sighed, looking morosely down at the console. He probably should do that -- but the truth was, he didn't want to. He wanted Brendan to stay with him -- but he wanted things to be more free and easy between them, the atmosphere lighter.

He'd felt frustrated with how their relationship was going for a few days now -- and Brendan had been with him only a bit over a week. Oh, it seemed on the outside that things were wonderful -- but he hadn't been as completely happy as he'd thought he would be.

He cared about Brendan. He certainly wasn't going to deny that. And he was sure that Brendan was fond of him. But the other man had a tendency to be moody, to slip into periods of time where he didn't communicate with the Doctor much -- if at all. He was in one of those periods now, and the Time Lord was so frustrated that he wanted to beat his head against a brick wall. Literally.

Why did he have the feeling that Brendan was holding back his emotions, not letting the Doctor see everything that was in his mind? Why was it that he felt as if his lover was holding something back, something that the Doctor desperately needed and would never have?

He didn't want to push Brendan for anything that he wasn't ready to give -- or to make a declaration that he wasn't ready for. He wasn't going to force the man he was with to admit to loving him -- but a bit more warmth would be nice.

Sighing again, he closed his eyes, leaning against the console. Brendan had said that he wasn't an overly emotional person -- but he'd also said that he fell in love quite easily, and that never seemed to work out. Was he somehow pushing this man away without realizing he was doing it?

Was this his fault? Was he the one who was asking for too much, pushing Brendan until the other man felt that his only escape was in silence and contemplation? Or maybe Brendan didn't care about him as much as the Doctor thought he did. Maybe he only considered this a brief liaison, and he had no plans for their long-term future.

Maybe he was still in love with that girl -- the one who'd treated him so badly on the day they'd first met. Maybe he still thought about her, wanted to be with her .... maybe his heart still belonged to her, and it wasn't free for him to give to anyone else.

Did it really matter? What it all came down to was that Brendan was obviously holding something back from him, and that their relationship wasn't going to survive if he kept that up. They would inevitably end up parting, probably on a bad note with resentment on either side, and that was the last thing that the Doctor wanted for them.

He knew that Brendan wasn't usually the demonstrative type -- but he didn't mind that. He didn't need to have his lover constantly say that he was loved. But he did need that reassurance in words now and then -- and in actions, too.

When they were in bed together, Brendan seemed to have no problem in being affectionate in the physical sense. But out of bed .... he had a tendency to be rather distant. The Doctor understood that some people were like that, but it didn't ease his frustration -- or his worry.

If he was honest, he had to admit that he wanted his lover to himself. He didn't want Brendan's heart to be torn between him and someone from the past -- and he was terribly afraid that it was the case now. Of course, he told himself with a slight frown, Brendan hadn't been with him for very long. Maybe he was just someone who took a while to sort through their emotions ....

But no, that couldn't be it. He could literally feel that Brendan cared for him when they were lying in bed together, his lover's arms around him, those strong hands stroking his body. Brendan just didn't say how he felt out loud, put his emotions into words.

Or was he just making excuses, telling himself what he wanted to hear? The Doctor sighed again, wishing that he had some sort of insight into how Brendan's mind worked. Even though he was a telepath, he couldn't see that deeply into another person -- even his own lover.

He was just going to have to talk to Brendan about this, even though he didn't really want to. If the other man wanted the Doctor to end their liaison, take him back to Earth, then he'd have no choice but to do so. He certainly wasn't going to keep Brendan with him against his will.

The Doctor let out a gasp and jumped slightly as strong arms slid around his waist from behind and he was drawn back against Brendan's body; he hadn't heard the other man come into the room, and he was startled by the sudden, unexpected embrace.

Almost immediately, he relaxed and let himself lean back against Brendan. This might be unexpected on his part, but he wasn't going to turn down any chance that might present itself for him to bring up the subject he'd been ruminating on and get it out in the open. The question was -- just how was he going to do that?

He had no idea how to approach Brendan about what he'd been thinking. He didn't want to make the other man angry, make Brendan demand that the Doctor take him back to Earth. There had to be a way to bring up the subject diplomatically, without making it sound as though he was somehow accusing Brendan of anything.

Which, of course, he wasn't. He simply wanted them to have a discussion -- and to be able to rid himself of the feeling that Brendan was holding something back from him. He wanted them to be completely open and honest with each other about their feelings.

To his surprise, it was Brendan who brought up the subject first, without any sort of prompting on his part. The other man bowed his head, those soft lips brushing against the Doctor's ear, his words soft and husky in the silence.

"What's bothering you, Doctor?" he asked, raising one eyebrow as he regarded the man in his arms. "You've been awfully quiet the last few days, and I get the feeling that I've done something to make you think twice about wanting me to be here."

The Doctor's first reaction was to shake his head, but he kept himself from doing that. After all, he was bothered, and he had to be honest with Brendan about how he felt. The problem was trying to put that bothersome feeling into words, without sounding accusatory.

"I .... can't help feeling that you're holding something back from me," he began, trying to phrase his words carefully, picking his way, as though he was treading across a minefield. "I know you're a very private person, Brendan. I don't blame you for that. But I feel as if you're not opening yourself up to me completely -- and it's very frustrating."

Brendan heaved a sigh, his arms tightening slightly around the slender figure clasped in his arms. "You're right, I'm a very private man. It's hard for me to open up to anyone, Doctor. Least of all someone who I care about. You see, I'm not a trusting sort."

"I can understand that," the Doctor said softly, his mind going back to that girl who had treated Brendan so horribly. Was she the cause of this? "I know you've been hurt before by people in your life who you cared for, Brendan, but you have to remember that I'm not them. I'm not any of the people you've known before. I'm the one you know now."

"It's not just that." Brendan's voice was as slow as his own, as though the other man was also searching for the right words. "I'm not the nicest person in the world, Doctor. Not at all. I've done a lot of things that I'm starting to regret. Things that I'd rather not have to admit I've done."

The Doctor shrugged, thinking back over his own long life and all the choices he'd made -- some of them good, some bad, and some that he'd lived to bitterly regret. "I've done things that I'm not proud of, either, and things that I regret and would rather not be associated with. We all have those regrets, Brendan. I don't hold anything in your past against you."

"You would if you knew about it." Brendan's voice was flat, the words falling like stones into a quiet pool. "You wouldn't be so willing to give me a chance, believe me. And if I were you, I wouldn't give me a chance either. I wouldn't blame you if you pushed me away."

"Brendan." The Doctor turned around in Brendan's arms to face his lover, his expression serious. "I don't know what you've done in your past, and I'm not going to ask. It's not for me to judge you. I can only go by what I know about you since you've been with me -- and what you choose to tell me. And so far, I haven't seen anything that would make me even think of walking away from you."

"You haven't, I know," Brendan said, sighing and not meeting the Doctor's eyes. "But you don't know everything about me. I should probably tell you -- but I don't want the past to come between what we have in the present."

"And it won't, because you don't have to tell me about it," the Doctor said firmly. "My life with you began the day that we met. Anything that came before that is part of another life you led. If you're not happy with who you were in the past, then you can change. Anyone can change."

"It's not just the fact that I regret that past that's making me change." Brendan's eyes finally locked with the Time Lord's, not looking away. "You're changing me, Doctor. You're making me more than I thought I could be -- and it's a little frightening for me."

"Don't be afraid of changing," the Doctor said softly, laying one small hand against Brendan's cheek. "I know it's frightening to move away from who you thought you were -- but if you're not happy with that person, then you owe it to yourself to change. And Brendan -- I couldn't change you if you weren't willing to accept that change."

"I suppose you're right," Brendan said, sighing again and placing his own hand over the Doctor's. "I want to change. I don't want to be the same bastard that I've been in the past. I've been cold and calculating, and I've done things I don't want to remember. I want a chance to start over."

"You have that chance," the Doctor told him, his gaze still locked with Brendan's. "You accepted it the moment you stepped into the Tardis and agreed to come with me. And I'm not going to take it away from you -- unless you tell me that you don't want it any more."

"I'd never tell you that," Brendan said, his voice nearly a whisper. "I might be afraid of how you're changing me, but I know it's for the better. You see .... I've never felt this way about anyone before, Doctor. I've never been a selfless man -- but I am with you. I just have a hard time showing it because I'm not used to feeling this way. I'm afraid of it."

"That's all I needed to hear," the Doctor murmured, a smile curving his lips. "I'm not going to ask you about your past, Brendan. I don't need to know about it. All I need to know is that you want to be with me. Anything else you want to tell me is your choice. I won't pry it out of you."

"I've been a selfish bastard in the past," Brendan told him, the words seeming as if they were forced out of him reluctantly. "I've done things calculated to hurt people. I've only thought about myself and not others. I'm not like you, Doctor. I'm not self-sacrificing."

"There have been times when I've done things to hurt others, too," the Doctor said softly, wishing that he didn't have to admit to that failing within himself. "I'm not perfect, Brendan. No one is. And I accept you the way you are. I don't expect you to be some paragon of virtue for me. The past is the past. What's important is the present -- and the future."

Brendan nodded, looking relieved. "So, we're starting fresh, right? From the day we met, the past is behind us. Whatever we were and whatever we did in the past is whitewashed and our lives go forward from here. All the regrets are left behind us."

"Yes." The word left his lips on a breath of a sigh; the Doctor wanted to ask Brendan a million questions, but he was going to leave that for the future. He didn't need to know everything about his lover now; the most important question he'd had was answered.

Brendan wasn't holding back because he didn't want to be here; he was doing it because he was afraid that the past would color their future. Maybe it wasn't the best answer he could have gotten, but it would do for now. Hopefully, he and Brendan would be able to talk in the future, let out their painful pasts and come to terms with them.

As Brendan had said, the future was before them, and they were starting fresh. Maybe it wasn't going to be the easiest future the Doctor could have chosen for himself -- but it seemed that it would certainly be an interesting one.

***