Title: Won't Get Fooled Again
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: gen
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: R
Table: G1, 5_prompts
Prompt: 2, Who do you think you're fooling?
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Tenth Doctor, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

***

The Doctor ambled down the street, hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, a fixed smile on his face. He nodded at two people who passed by close to him, smiling and stepping aside for them as they hurried by without a second glance.

Could they tell that there were unsettled emotions roiling inside him? He was sure that they couldn't; he'd gotten fairly adept over the centuries at keeping those feelings bottled up inside him, making sure that they didn't show on the outside.

He could fool the world with his facade of nonchalance; there wasn't anyone around him who would be able to tell how he really felt. No one would see the loneliness that was at the core of his being, the hurt that still consumed him even though he tried to bury it.

That loneliness had been his constant companion since the day that Jack had left; he'd thought that he would never have to deal with it again, but that hope had died the moment that Jack had turned his back and walked out of the Tardis for the last time.

It seemed that he was doomed to embrace that loneliness, whether he wanted to or not, the Doctor told himself bitterly, looking down and kicking at a pebble in his path. It skittered across the pavement, bouncing a few times before it landed in the center of the street.

He was a bit like that pebble, the Time Lord thought with a sigh. Sometimes he felt as though fate kicked him this way and that, holding out something that he'd always wanted and then snatching it away, mocking him and leaving him vulnerable.

Nothing had ever hurt him as much as Jack's leaving had. He'd thought this man would stay with him forever; and as an immortal, Jack was the only person who could give him that. Jack had even said that he wanted to stay forever.

That hadn't been the truth, had it? He sighed again, looking down at the pavement as he walked along. Maybe Jack had actually wanted to stay with him at one time, but something had happened to change his mind.

Was it something that he himself had done or said? Try as he might, as many times as he went back over the time he and Jack had been together, he couldn't think of anything that would have overtly driven the other man away from him.

He'd been sure that his hearts were both breaking in his chest when Jack had saluted him and walked out of the Tardis, closing the door behind him. The pain had been overwhelming; for what had seemed a long while, he hadn't felt that he could move, or even breathe.

The pain had lessened, but it was still there. Whenever he thought of Jack, his hearts clutched in his chest, his breathing becoming labored and painful. He could feel those hearts breaking all over again; he was sure they would continue to do so with any thought of his former lover.

But he fooled everyone around him with his cool exterior. No one who looked at him right now would guess that he was bleeding inside. No one could possibly know that he wanted nothing more than to have his former lover back in his life.

Even Jack wouldn't know. If he happened to see the immortal again, he would keep a cool distance; he wouldn't let the other man know how badly he was hurting. He wouldn't betray his feelings by so much as the flicker of an eyelash.

He was quite good at that, wasn't he? He'd managed to get himself out of bad situations before many times in all of his lives by being stoic, by not betraying what he was feeling inside, be it fear or any other emotion that could assail him.

He'd learned to keep his emotions buried deep within himself when he was very young; he hadn't been encouraged to let his feelings show. He'd been berated for that more often than not when he was at the Academy, told that he was far too emotional for his own good.

Maybe that was so, but he'd scoffed at those words. He had never thought that bottling his feelings up could result in anything good; it was much better to let them out and suffer the consequences than to hold them in and let them fester.

Of course, he'd found out that such an attitude wasn't always the right one to take. And over time, he'd learned that holding his feelings in became easier as he grew older. He'd saved himself a great deal of hurt by doing so, and he was grateful for that.

Over the passage of time, it had become easier and easier for him to hide his feelings -- until he'd been so good at it that people hadn't been able to guess at what lay beneath the surface. And he'd wanted it to stay that way -- until he'd met Jack.

The immortal had broken down the barriers he'd built up so carefully around himself, even though the Doctor had tried to keep them intact. But it had been impossible to do -- and he'd let himself fall in love with Jack, against his better judgement.

Now, he had to build up those walls again -- only this time, he had to make sure that they were higher and stronger than they'd ever been. He wasn't going to let anyone else in; he wouldn't go through the pain and heartache that Jack had left him with again. Not for anyone.

He wasn't going to be fooled by anyone's declarations of love ever again. It had happened once -- and he was still struggling to get over the ache that he still felt in his hearts whenever he thought of Jack. It wasn't something he wanted to happen a second time.

Fooled once, shame on the person who had done it. Fooled twice -- shame on him, the Doctor thought, lifting his head as he came to the corner of the street. He wouldn't be fooled again. He was smart enough to learn that lesson the first time around.

And what a painful lesson it had been, he thought wryly. Even after all these months of being without Jack, he still woke in the night with the taste of his lover's kiss still on his lips, the memory of those arms around him .... the feeling of Jack inside him, making love to him.

That was never going to happen again. Jack had made that all too clear when he'd left; he would always consider himself the Doctor's friend, but their physical relationship was over. And the Time Lord couldn't help wondering if the love had all been one-sided.

Had Jack ever really loved him? That was a question that had been on his lips ever since that fateful day when Jack had walked out, but he'd been afraid to ask it. He didn't want to know what the other man would say; it might be something he wasn't ready to hear.

Maybe he would ask that question one day. He'd stand in front of the immortal and put it out there front and center, regardless of what he might hear. And if the answer to that question caused more pain -- well, he'd just have to learn to live with it.

Sighing, he turned slowly back in the direction he'd come, heading towards the Tardis. He'd been here on Earth long enough. It was time to go back out into the stars, away from the planet that Jack existed on, and leave his memories in the past where they belonged.

Yes, he was managing to fool everyone into thinking that he was a man in control of his destiny, a man without a care in the world, someone who was satisfied with how his life was going. It was too bad that he couldn't also manage to fool himself.

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